Tuesday, January 17, 2012

LIGHT BULB ON, OFF, ON


(updated to reflect a less vile version of me) 

When I was 2, my parents separated and my father was no longer a daily presence in my life.

When I was 14, a boy broke my heart. He told me I was the only girl for him and then he impregnated the preachers daughter.

When I was 23, a man broke my heart. This man did not walk away. I chased him away. I was too afraid to love him. Loving him made me feel vulnerable.

Allowing him to love me, frightening me. I held my stomach in when he was near. I stood up straight. I could not let him see my weaknesses - my needs, my fears, my flaws.

When I lost this man, I did everything I could to get him back, but silly me, you can't make a man love you. You can't control a man, and so... I set out to control my world.

Silly me, you can't control your world. You are not that powerful. I am not that powerful.

When I was 23, after the man broke my heart, I lost 90% of my hair - on my head, and in other places too.

I spent the rest of my twenty's trying to get someone to love me for who I was, not for what I looked like.

I did not look good.

I went on cortisone. I grew some hair but I also grew a second chin, a hump on my back, and 20 pounds.

I went off the cortisone and wore a wig.

One day I woke up and decided I would WILL my hair to grow.

And it did.

Then I met a GOOD man. A man who proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that he could love a woman who was sick, vulnerable, and in need - that he would never turn his back and walk away.

I married that man. I had a child with that man.

Years later, no fault to the man, I realized I could not live with this man.

So I left this man and found another man. A broken man.

I am attracted to this man because I am broken too.

I married this man and together, we schlepped through many trenches.

Tonight, I asked this man to leave and he has agreed.

He will go to Aspen, where his brother is waiting for him.  Always waiting for him.

We will revisit our relationship in the spring.

And I will heal myself.

This cancer is not about me dying. It's about me learning how to love myself.

I hope he finds whatever it is he needs to make him feel happy.  Because I love this man and always will.

And I need to focus 100% on me.


xoMonkeyME


47 comments:

  1. I don't know why it's so hard to love ourselves and to act out of that. Raising my glass to you, GM.

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  2. thank you Em... I so need it! it makes sense. it breaks my heart but it makes sense.

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  4. allow,

    allow healing, joy and all good, dear friend


    fond Aloha and healing energies
    from Waikiki
    Comfort Spiral

    > < } } ( ° >

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    1. thank you cloudia - I miss visiting you in Hawaii!

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  5. you have a mission. thanks for bringing us along. your healing will be ours too. May luck be with you on your journey....J..

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    1. thank you jaybird! ((((monkeyhug))))))

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  6. The timing is interesting with your husband's job loss, isn't it? He is free to go to Aspen, and you are free to embrace yourself and use all the strength you have (and your strength is PLENTIFUL) to get to the other side of this experience. I await the next installment of your journey (and more pictures of kitties!). Love to you.

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    1. Love to you too Katie! the timing is interesting and I am still amazed at how it all made sense once I spelled it out.

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  7. The poor mouse! I hope the kitty becomes friends with it.

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    1. Ben! that kitty loves the mouse. thats why she sent him flying :)

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  8. I 2nd Katie's thoughts, you ARE stronger than you know. You'll always have the love of 2 bunnies in the west. xoxoxo DB & BB

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    1. west coast bunny love, it doesn't get any better than that! xoxoxo

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    1. monkey me is going to lean on you hard. so glad you're on the wrong coast with me.

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    2. Always here for my Monkey Mama!

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  10. I'm not sure you needed the PS. I suspect that if you didn't love this man, you wouldn't be letting him go right now. You're in my heart hon.

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    1. :) see..... you are brilliant. thank you sarah

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  11. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. You are one hell of a woman. You took charge. You did what you needed to do. Oh, baby. You inspire me.

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    1. and you inspire ME Betty! so glad you're back blogging. you know I'm watching!

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  12. Well...I can follow much of this with my own bouncing ball. Love is just one big question mark at this point. But you're right. I need to focus 100% on me. It just sounds so selfish. "Selfish: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others." Sheesh. That can't be right. I do not care ONLY for myself, and not REGARDLESS of others. I REGARD friggin plenty. I REGARD to my own detriment. There must be another word. It's a rough road, this living. But we are learning at every intersection.

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    1. yep, yep, yep....!!!! sip, sip, sip! EXACTLY!!!

      "ME, ME, ME" practice along with me

      xoxo

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  13. Wow...so much in your life beautiful lady! I admire you. You've been on a long journey. If I may, I'd like to suggest a book called THE HEALING CODES. It has helped me and many people I know. I can't explain all that it's about so you can Google it...but I will say, after years of therapy, the concept in this book has helped the most to figure out ME. And it was my therapist who suggested it.

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  14. Heartbreaking, Shannon. I hope you find what makes you happy. Sending love your way...Dawn

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    1. I know what makes me happy! I feed that part of me every day. he needs to understand that he is depressed. depression is not a choice and it has nothing to do with not loving me. as much as I love him I ca't fix him. that has to come from inside of him. its a lot like living with an addict.

      knowing my illness makes him more unhappy is a lot of extra pressure. I am doing whats best for both of us.

      thanks for reading and commenting Dawn! xoxo love and light to you dear, sweet, lady

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  15. I wish I had a tiny sliver of your courage and strength. When I first checked out your blog, I thought, this woman is my hero! Every post proves it more and more.

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    1. oh Jamie, its not easy being super monkey! I'm going to make myself a cape this weekend - wear it to all my doctors appointments :) this cape will be green - maybe even have some sparkles on it. and there will be a giant monkey face on it! me feeding my creativity makes me happy! Thank you Jamie for encouraging me.

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    2. You should! I hope you'll post pictures to inspire us all to make our own.

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    3. LIKE!! super monkey has super powers! xoxoxoxoxoxo no, not "like". LOVE!!!!

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  16. We're only 19 days into the new year!

    Even before recent events, I have been amazed how much you've been through and how you've managed it all.

    Amazing. Thanks for sharing it all!

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  17. Wow ... and I was bitching this morning because I was out of coffee.

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    1. thanks for reminding me to pick up mild Chris!

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    1. Call me, I'm not afraid.

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  20. Sometimes the best way to heal ourselves is to focus on only ourselves. All the distance in the world doesn't make a bit of difference if it is meant to be.

    (((HUGS)))

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  21. You sure have some great blog fans MOnkey! I agree w/ Julianna too. This catstir may have been the catalyst for what's going on w/ husband, it may have eventually come to that anyway. Not for me to speculate but good on ya for your keen perception. I'm so proud to be your friend MOnkey. You have no idea. xoxoxoxo DB

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  22. Good to talk to you. No advise from me, just good thoughts.

    When you have some down time, check out...
    http://atlanticuniv.edu/free_intro_courses/freeintro.asp?ID=contents.htm


    David
    strtnlvl@earthlink.net

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    1. Thank You. Will check it out this weekend.

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  23. My heart is still with you Shannon. Keep focusing on yourself.

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  24. I don't write to hurt... I write to heal. Even so...I hurt many people this week. I am not sorry that I spoke my pain but I am sorry that I caused pain.

    I have been posting here for 3 years... putting it OUT there, every ounce of me. But there is a major shift now, and I don't know what to do about it.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison