Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Waiting Place



This was my week to wait, wait for answers I'm afraid to hear, decisions I don't want to make.

I watched water boil today. It's more interesting then you might think. It doesn't just bubble. It foams and rolls, splatters and splashes. The steam is invigorating. I waved my hand through its healthy mist. I leaned in, felt the rush of heat on my skin. I opened my mouth too it, and took a long, deep breath.

I put hair thickening lotion on my face. I tossed my dirty socks in the dish washer. I left my 5 lb dog outside, in the cold, for the hawks to get her. I bumped my head on the kitchen cabinet. I drove away from the gas station with the hose still in my car.  I chased my husband away.

I made a mess of this entire week.

Some of you look so happy walking the streets, shopping for groceries, or waiting for the light to turn green. Many of you look sad, just like me.

I am sorry if you think you were the one who made a dumb-ass statement. It wasn't you.  But even if it was you, it's okay. It really is better then saying nothing at all.

Wait... here's one more dumb-ass thing you should never say to a person who has catstir...

"...I will pray that you will seek God."  

I managed to fall asleep somewhere around 11:00 pm last night.  But then I woke at my usual time of 3:00 am. It's a long, lonely time from then to the first hint of sunlight. Sometimes the geese act like roosters.

I don't watch TV anymore. It sounds too much like noise.

The waterfall is half frozen. It's roar is muted.

The cat won't leave my side. The dog hovers near Mark. I suppose they know we need them.


Imagine if there was such thing as a crystal ball.



Oh... I see many failed relationships Shannon - friendships, lovers, husbands, family.
And I see death.  Your son will die at the age of 23.
And you'll go bald at the age of 23.
And look here - it's cancer. 

You'll crash a car - roll it over three times before it lands on its roof. Don't fret, you'll be fine, but the car is totaled.

You're daughter will be diagnosed with RA at a young age.  She will struggle with loss and pain and things to dark for her to speak of.  But in time, she will find the words.

You will be lied to, you'll be played.  You'll be the butt of everyones jokes.

It will take you longer then you think necessary, but you will learn from your mistakes. You will learn to recognize the fraudulent, the pretentious, the self absorbed, the bitter, the evil, the people that suck the life out of you, and you will stay away from them.


Eventually, after kissing a few too many frogs, you will find a good man who loves you completely. You will not be afraid to love him back.

You will surround yourself with splendor.

You will travel the world and meet fascinating people. You will choose your favorites and form them into a family.

You will see things that scare you but you will not turn away. You will conquer. You will soar. You will teach. You will laugh. You will love...deeply. You will be happy.






xoMonkeyME

35 comments:

  1. Shannon, on my daily walks I find myself thinking of you, of what you're going through, how unfair. I hope my loving thoughts somehow do some good.

    Thank you for chronicling your own thoughts.

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    1. Myran, In your honor, today I went for a walk at the park. It was cold, very cold, but as I mentioned before, I do not feel like cold like I used to. yes, your loving thoughts do comfort! I carry them with me.

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  2. Huh. Cryptic. Mine's black and usually has this little piece of plastic that floats up and says "Maybe". I have to shake it. My fortune cookie said "Ever tasted tabby before?" from my Vietnamese restaurant. I shook mine for you. It said yes with a little happy face on it.

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    1. I love those big yellow happy faces! you've got the magic touch Curmudg!

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    2. OooKaaay! Here,s one out of character for me. I lost my son when he was eight in a fire. I couldn't get over it. Not even twenty years later. I started writing him letters. It made it, a huge difference. What I'm trying to say is, maybe if you personified catstir and wrote vituperative letters to it and then visualize (I did that too, in a different way) beating it down. It might actually help kick it's ass. I've done that with healing after surgeries. (I've been cut on more than a thanksgiving turkey recently, I'm thinking of having Velcro installed where the scars currently are.) It helped the pain and I'm sure I recovered faster. Insurance from the job should cover you for a month. Check and see.

      That's my one serious comment for the year. More happy faces.

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  3. I have read your blog for a short while and found your diagnosis so shocking as I'm sure so many did. And I did not know what to say because I don't know you. But I remember when my husband, who was sadly not a survivor, was diagnosed with the awful disease. I felt better that people said something rather than nothing at all. And so I am saying that I am sorry one more person has to suffer through this scary diagnosis. It is such a roller coaster ride, and not a fun one. You are obviously a very strong woman, enough to make a very tough decision about your husband. I know this, though, as I have suffered through a lot of loss in my life. Thinking that things are going to be okay is the best path in life. We may not know exactly what's in the crystal ball, but we should believe that it is going to be good once again after we get through the pain. Sending my best healing thoughts to you.

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    1. Thank you Denise. I am listening. I appreciate when people tell me what helped them get through difficult times. They don't tell me what to do, they don't offer advice, they simply tell me how they coped.

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  4. "...I will pray that you will seek God."

    These kinds of words offend me much more than words like, "you are in my prayers..."

    When my Mom was dying, someone told me that they worried about my Mom's salvation because my Mom didn't go to church... Had I killed that SOB then like I wanted to, I would be out of prison by now...

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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    1. Touche ~shoes! I can't kill my commenter because its my sister. Besides, she's going to pray for me every day! I have this pack of vultures flying above me - people who, for whatever reason, do not like me and now come to me, circle me, look down on me. they want to see the pain in me. they want to watch me suffer. they want to say, "Oh I knew she had it coming" they wait for you to grow weak and then they pounce. Some people suck. Some people don't suck. So glad I have figured out who is who.

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    2. I think people mean well with their comments. My colleague, Michelle, has her surgery on Monday... and I've had to watch my words when i speak with her... try to not say something that can be misconstrued,etc...

      If there are, indeed, people who like to watch others suffer, there is a special place in Hell for them...

      *huggles*

      ~shoes~

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    3. every time I see those red shoes of yours I smile. Thank DOG they are not PINK. If they were PINK this relationship of ours would be soooo over!

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  5. Don't lose that beautiful strength...I know you won't. How? Because, well, "them's fightin' words". And what's more? People are stupid. It's true. Not me, though...I'm always on top of my game. You too, I'm sure. ;-)

    I think I'm going to hope that someone who prays will pray that "someone" will pray to find God. Or some such nonsense.

    And if that ridiculous squirrel outside can climb up a metal pole in pouring down rain, to eat the birds sunflower seeds? Then you, my friend, can do anything!

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    1. :))))))) you're such a nut! quirky nut! yes, I saw that squirrel. I prayed he'd be able to climb that metal pole and the lord answered my prayers!

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  6. Shannon...

    please know.


    that you are loved..

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    1. thank you susan! it feels good to know you are loved.

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  7. If anyone can kick catstir's ass, it's you.

    Sending you positive thoughts for healing and peace.

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    1. thank you Tracie! yes I can, yes I can!

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  8. This post was heartbreaking and beautiful. You are a fantastic writer, and through your writing I can see a dear brave soul.

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    1. being able to write about all this has been a blessing (not a fan of that word, but thats the best I can come up with right now). Thank you for reading and commenting Karen. your words hold weight in my insecure writer mind.

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  9. In some ways you're teaching now, with your raw and honest writing. I love the video, and each time I watch it (3 times, now) I notice something different and come away with a different feeling. Today's message to me was: sometimes you'll struggle, but then you fight through it and rise again, better than ever. That sounds like the story of your life!

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    1. I love the video too! I have watched it so many times. It is by far the best burning man video out there.

      A dear friend read part of "Oh, the places you'll go" at my son's funeral. So when this came out I knew it was for me. A message from my son Kerry


      (I just made myself cry...happy tears)

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  10. Your "fortune" reminded me of Garth Brooks song "The Dance". Because we all could do without the pain of life, but then we'd have had to miss the dance.

    And life, my friend, is about dancing. Through the good times, and bad, through the disco era, 80's bad hair, and throwing out a hip imitating Elaine from Sienfeld on the dance floor.

    Don't stop dancing.

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    1. not the 80's bad hair!!! :) I promise you I won't stop dancing, and twirling!

      my goal this weekend or maybe next, is to make a bright green cap and matching mask to wear to chemo. There will, of course, be a big monkey face on the back. I promise to blog about it.

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    2. OH! I love that! Be sure and make yourself a winter one too... with ear flaps!

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  11. Man. Thank you for keeping writing.

    I love (???NotTheRightWord???) your use of the crystal ball as a way of looking back at life. Can I borrow it for a post of my own at some point? I will offer due credit, of course!

    Again, thanks for the honest words. I don't know what to say, but this is how I feel: uwoeijskfhiosdk-329 3w]3-=u309jfdsl

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    1. you expressed your feelings perfectly... q[[u vqotuhld;gjadfg i ogadtu-2358=76[0ijhg lkg'fg! that is EXACTLY what I was thinking!

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  12. Uh huh...it's all too much like noise. When we need clarity, we seek silence. When we seek peace, the world vacuums space. All that is left.... all that is left is all.

    ((Hugs))

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    1. oh boy you're good! ...... beautiful, just beautiful! ((((love))))))

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  13. Shannon,
    I am so angry, sad and overwhelmed. I have had tears in my eyes for the past few hours after reading your last posts. I was both laughing and crying while reading them. Your writing is so powerful. I have been thinking of you constantly and want you to know that I am with you. When you wrote in a comment that you signed up for this I was thinking of our conversation from so many years ago. I love you, Shannon.
    Your friend, Bev

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    1. wow...... you used your real name! this catstir stuff must be serious!

      Dear my friend Bev,
      YEP... that DOG we figured out years ago that we signed up for this. It's why I don't feel sorry for myself. We need to go back to our place where we are simply "The Wall Ladies". That place where we can cry and laugh, and sip wine for hours.
      Love, your friend Shannon

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  14. Yes, thank Dog. But sometimes I wonder what we were thinking. Looking forward to seeing you.

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  15. Wonderful writing. I will be following you.
    All my best,
    -Serendipituous

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  16. Shannon, you are smart and strong, funny and feisty. I'm glad to know you.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison