Friday, January 4, 2013

JUICY Singles


It's Friday and I'm trying my best to settle down and write but first I have to check facebook, then oursalon.com, then breastcancer.org.

In the middle of all this social hub hopping, I noticed this advertisement for Christian singles: 



                                                         Is it just me or is she scary? Sort of Alien-head-ish. 



And why is she wearing a wedding dress? Did she show up for her first date in that dress? Why is she squinting her eyes? And, is that a photo flaw or is she curling the left side of her lip  like a rabid dog?

Clicking "BROWSE for FREE" feels like a trap. DON'T DO IT!!! 

If you had to choose between SINGLE CHRISTIAN in wedding gown and ANASTASIA in a red dress who would it be?



And (can't stop laughing)... what's the better tag line (or whatever you advertising geniuses call it)... 

"Genuine and affectionate women" or "find God's match for you" ? 


And if being a "senior" Christian means having the skin of a 35 year old, then I'm going to start drinking holy water. 

Jill looks more like Dan's daughter than his "life partner." And what is it about Christians wearing white? Do they own any other colors? Is black or navy allowed? 



This women/child, didn't even bother to put a shirt on.  Are we to assume that she too is a Christian because of her white undershirt? And WHAT is free to look at? And why doesn't she just go to the pep rally to meet a guy? 

Look how much fun this one is having on OKCUPID.COM. White, white everywhere! Even her computer is white. It's like she's floating on a cloud of happiness. My pragmatic attitude makes me question why the bottoms of her feet are dirty? Why her champagne is not bubbling? Why no one removed the thorns from her rose? And why her sheets  are so crumpled? Is a lily-white vibrator tucked under there? 

What is the ONE thing all these single women have in common (besides their white attire)? 



>>>> Give up? <<<<


They're all BLONDE!  Why is that? My best guess is that these toe-heads took the "blondes have more fun" phrase to heart and somehow lost their way.  Were they too busy having fun to settle down?  If so, what made them change their mind?

And what the hell is going on at WHENWOMENCHEAT.COM? (Blonde hair no clothes)



This vixen claims, "I cheated on MY man, several times in 30 days! WITH SEVERAL DIFFERENT MEN!!!"  Clearly she's excited about it. 

According to MARRYMESUGARDADDY.COM there are over 5,349 registered members in my town alone! No wonder why Katia, my housekeeper, is a no show for 3 weeks in a row. 




Come back Katia where ever you are! My sheets are a crumpled mess! 

It's the crazy monkey in me that MUST...KEEP...SEARCHING! Surely there must be a dating site that supports roots of a different color?

My persistance paid off - I finally found one...





Now SHE is lovely AND this non-christian is sporting navy. Coincidence? I think not.


jewcier


Brilliant! Hands down the best internet dating site name of all times.

Jew = juicy
or juicier
regardless
Jew = Clever


Okay.... now that I got all that out of the way...  time to write about how I flipped a kitty in less then 15 minutes.



XO,MonkeYME

48 comments:

  1. 34 year old blonde clones have taken over! They got the Today show! So much for joyous diversity
    Aloha

    ReplyDelete
  2. O.M. G. That's hilarious. I guess even when you're a senior you're supposed to appear virginal. :P

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Good thing I don't consider myself Christian, because I can't wear white. After 5 minutes in a white shirt, I'd have spilled coffee down the front. It seems to happen every time! Guess that means I'm super non-virginal. I have two kids, so that might also be a giveaway.

    Thanks for the hilarious post!

    ReplyDelete
  5. There's something for everyone on teh interwebz!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wear black and I am Christian.

    Funny u should bring this up. My hot friend that is a 50-something Jewess Goddess and wealthy to boot just broke up with her 30-year old boyfriend and said "Dawn, do u think I should go on the Jewish dating internet." I'm like "Just sit ur bum down in this Coffeehouse. There is nothing but men in here." But I said u can go online too if u want.

    I don't judge. It's hard to meet people nowadays.

    Personally, I'm leaning toward foreign men. They actually talk to u. Communicate with u. Tell u what they feel. Romance u. Treat u like a woman. Give u compliments. Seek u out. Chase u. U know all the things I thought men were suppose too. Lately, all my American men have been too wounded to love again. I mean they are all wounded.

    However, I will put ur husband in a different category. I like him very much for u. Y'all seem to have fun together.

    So I can't knock these dating online things because it is just not easy anymore to meet men.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have a new quote too

    "If u are a pussy (meaning u don't do anything), u will never get pussy again."

    Meow meow meow--

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for the comments Green Monkey. I got them. Hahahaha--

    Let us make it into a bumper sticker. I can think of one car in particular that it needs to be slapped onto. That would be hilarious.

    Truly I have lost interest in a particular man. I don't even want him in the friendship category anymore. He is untrustworthy in my book. He definitely does not know how to communicate. I have a feeling now he was the problem in his marriage and his relationship. Not the women. It's of no consequence to me now. I closed that door for good. I put some extra nails into it so I don't desire to ever open it up again.

    I am happy that u speak ur mind. I speak mine as well. For better or worse, I say what I feel whether it be nice or ugly. But at least, we don't lie to ourselves about who we really are. No?


    ReplyDelete
  9. Do all single christian men want young blondes? and if so, why are there so many single male christians on the internet looking to get some?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am laughing so hard I can hardly type, Shannon you kill me!!! And I think the Christian Single Blonde has a snaggletooth....not to be mean or anything but who want that grazing their.....whatever....God's match for me, wow, what a concept. Let's see based on my two failed marriages, countless one night stands in my twenties...and thirties...and, crap I can count on one finger the one night stands in my forties...damn it!!! Anyway, I'm envisioning Jack Nicholson from the Witches of Eastwick, only rottener.

    Thank you for this laugh!!!! You better keep writing, I don't think the world would be nearly as interesting without your wit!!!

    xoxoxoxo

    MG

    ReplyDelete
  11. So that's why I'm still single! I'm not blonde...HAR!

    I have used a couple of date sites but all I use now is a site called Plentyoffish. I'm surprised you didn't use that site but I have no idea who they have posted on their website.

    I just met a nice guy on there but I'm not holding my breath that it will go any where.

    xo
    E.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, one thing is certain, if any of us become single, we better start investing in white clothing. Or red dresses and red single roses!

    This was great!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You're hilarious, haven't been here in a while. So glad to connect with you now. Hope all is well.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lol! You are so funny. Glad to reconnect with you ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was hysterical. Hm....I'm not blonde. Uhoh. ;) (I've got to get myself over to the salon thing you are in to at some point. It sounds fun.)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey Shannon...obviously, I agree with everyone, and I've known it for a couple of years now...YOU ARE A FABULOUS WRITER AND HAVE A FANTASTIC WIT!
    One thing, though....I think you missed pointing out, unless I just somehow missed reading it.....WHY WOULD GORGEOUS, YOUNG, BLONDE WOMEN NEED A DATING SERVICE??? Can't they get enough dates just sitting around in public??!!
    Love ya, and glad you are so hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  17. ROFL, love it! I'm sure if you joined one, you wouldn't see any of those women. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Musicwithinyou--

    Please be careful with the PlentyofFish site. I have a friend that has hit everyone of these sites and now I make her bring her dates to the Coffeehouse for me to check out. Her PlentyofFish dates have left me a wee bit uneasy. The only one that I am aware of that does any type of in depth inquiries is eHarmony. I am now just finding out about the Jewess one because I have a Jewess friend whom said she might go on to it as well. My requirement of my friends is bring him up to the Coffeehouse for the first date and let me check him out. His demeanor--as well as some other info I won't divulge. At least, we know where they live and if they are married or not married and if they work where they say they work. I do it all legally mind u but I do check them out. Please be careful with Match.com and PlentyofFish I just think they throw people together based on ages truthfully.

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  19. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  20. I'll have you know that this morning, as I was "sleeping in" (that's code for don't you dare disturb me on Sunday morning) I saw a commercial for the Christian Singles site... it was all brunettes. But lots of white clothes and hands on screen that always ended up intertwined into some sort of praying position. So maybe there's been some progress.... or maybe not. Since my email is flooded with emails about all the hot sexy christian singles that want to meet me... little old me!

    Wonder what my husband would think of that?

    ReplyDelete
  21. I've never dated a blonde but I'm optimistic now ;-)

    ReplyDelete
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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

***

Photo by Joan Harrison