TOP SECRET BEAUTY TREATMENT

Burning Man is a lot like intensive therapy.  During my week in the desert I subjected myself to a bevy of spiritually profound, enlightening, uplifting experiences.  I battled deeply rooted fears and insecurities.

I returned joyous, content and deeply fulfilled.

I was living in a puffy bubble of  PINK.

Everything was wonderful, life was grand, and I was the BOMB!

Until.... a not so news worthy story caught my eye...

The HBA Global's Positively Beautiful Awards 

Now, instead of settling in to write about my life altering experiences, I'm back in the pit of my belly, exposing yet another one of my BAD ATTITUDES.

This one involved Christie Brinkley.  

This photo of Christie was taken in September of 2010.

Let me start by stating the obvious....  She is tall, thin, trim, taut, BLOND, with impeccable taste, and grace. She is breathtakingly GORGEOUS!

Now, let's take a closer look...

Flawless complexion, sparkling blue eyes, radiant smile, fabulous locks.   Pure perfection!

Oh, what I wouldn't do for those cheekbones.  If only my mother had given me good bone structure. (yes, I blame mother).  Instead, I have a high forehead, a horsey overbite and a weak chin.

I remember my mother telling me, over and over again, "Shannon, there is always going to be someone prettier, so stop comparing yourself."

Yes, its true, I spent a big part of my youth comparing myself to beauty queens - focusing on my flaws and in the fruitless pursuit of perfection.

And I realize that, with each passing day, my skin will continue to wrinkle, fade and sag.

But NOT Christie Brinkley.  

Lets pull in, just a bit closer...

Call me petty or call me crazy, but this is NOT the face of a 56 year old woman.  I know because I stare, vacantly, at the reflection of a 51 year old woman daily.

I don't care about her gene pool, how often she exercise, or what she eats.  This is some sort of scientific breakthrough.  Someone, somewhere, has found an anti-aging miracle drug or procedure and they're keeping it top secret.

It can't be about lifestyle choices, with 3 failed marriages and one, very messy, very public, divorce, this beauty has had more than her fair share of personal drama.

Surgery? Injections? Lasers? Fillers? Peels, scrubs, exfoliators?  All of the above? 

Perhaps it's the 24-carat GOLD anti-ageing treatment I've heard so much about.

Living in an affluent area, I am surrounded by pampered women with endless supplies of time and cash and access to the best Park Avenue doctors, yet none of them look like Christie Brinkley.

This photo of Christie, set me over the edge.  Perky breasts, tiny waist and

ZERO under arm giggle. 

This is physically impossible! 

I know what you are thinking... her photo's have been altered and/or the lighting was just right.

Well, here she is in natural lighting, unposed, checking out the U.S. Open, AND drinking a Guinness!

Guinness...really???  Christie Brinkley drinks Guinness?  Was she setting her golden locks in it? I don't think so.  Her sweater has fallen off her shoulders and her hat is tilted a tad too much, proof that she's sloshed.

Here she is again beside the talented actress Edie Falco.

Who, by the way, is 10 years younger than Christie.

WHAT IS CHRISTIE BRINKLEY HIDING?  

I'd be willing to "grow old gracefully" if we were all on an even playing field.

Here she is with a real pony, trying to copy one of my Burning Man outfits.  And is that a crop in her left hand? Why Christie, you naughty girl!

I think a purple bow on a pony is redundant and sorry, but your belt does NOT match that adorable dress and the cuffs are overkill.    (yes, its true, I'm oozing in pettiness)

So tell me Christie Brinkley, and I'll decide if its worth it, WHAT IS YOUR BEAUTY SECRET???

Until then.... I'll keep my bad attitude hidden behind a team of moisturizers, exfoliators, brown spot eliminators, pour minimizers, firmers, lifters and plumper -  all available at your local, neighborhood drugstore.

Green Monkey Tales © 2010 Shannon E. Kennedy

Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images North America




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BUT

here is the catch boys...

once you go Christie, you can't go back! 

Billy during Christie 

Billy after