Monday, January 24, 2011


Recently, I asked the question...

"If life were an episode of SURVIVOR and you could vote one person off, who would it be and why?"

The answers varied. Some people pounced on the question. Others avoided it.

Some responses were clever and quite humorous, while others were down right diabolical.

I stressed that the question did not perpetuate violence.  The person voted off would be asked to leave immediately, but would not be harmed in any way.  This was an act of empowerment.

Some people asked questions.  They wanted to know where the downcast degenerates were going.  Were the accommodations luxurious?  Would there be chores?  What would the typical day of an ostracized individual be like?  Would they be joined by others and how long would they remain there?

Clearly some people over thought this and I, was one of them.

After several mindful cocktails, I narrowed my choice down to 3 people.

The first is an unreasonable, egocentric client.  I cringe at the thought of our posture perfect meetings.  The pickled pitch of his piss and vinegar voicemails and open ended emails are exasperating.  There is no way I can please him - nothing I do is good enough.  Despite my professionalism, or maybe because of it, he treats me like a disobedient dog.

The second, is a well ridden, over baked, soul sucking, psychopathic, once-upon-a-time homecoming queen, who destroyed a 35 year friendship by jumping into a one night stand with the openly declared, love of my life, when our courtship took a brief intermission.  She told me, "I'll get you two back together!"  She told him, "You'll like ME better."

The third is my downstairs neighbor - a grumpy, member of the Good Old Boys.  This curt, curmudgeon interprets any given moment as utter misery.  Even his dog looks depressed.  If the sun is shining and the birds are singing, he'll squint hard and complain they crapped on his car.  He has solutions for all of life's problems but doesn't care to implement any of them.  His way is the right-winged, right way, and if you're misguided enough to stand at his attention, he'll insist you "get his drift."

So... which one did I choose?  

As difficult and as demanding as my client is, I knew I couldn't vote him off because he's a client.  I need all my clients - even the beastly, backbreaking ones.

As for the neighbor, he slams the front door hard enough for me to know when he's coming.  Besides, who would take his place?  The thought of a racy, well endowed divorcee, thriving on a diet of home cooked curry, is enough to force me into seeing the sunny side of Mr. Grumpy.

That leaves the de-friended, psychotic succubus, right?  She does seem the obvious choice, and it would have been a slam dunk if a jaded lover hadn't already voted her off.

I started thinking BIG.

Sarah Palin, Osama Bin Laden, Bill O'Reilly, Lindsey Lohan...

But I figured, given enough time and rope, they'd probably vote themselves off.

My head was spinning.  Everyone's choice was straight forward and simple, except for mine.

Until one cold, bitter night, when a depraved, deviant, soiled the freshly fallen snow of a sleepy, coastal Connecticut town.

Somewhere between the hours of 11:31 pm and 5:25 am, in the height of a bellowing full moon, a callous crime was committed.

Someone snatched the wreath from my front door.

It was round, approximately 24" in diameter and was punctuated with noble fir, blueberry juniper, incense cedar and three, ponderosa pine cones.  There was no bow.

It was NOT dead. It was not thriving, but it was not past its prime.  

It was doubled wired to an ornate, wrought iron wreath holder that was screwed into our storm door's hardware.  

The perpetrator took his time.

An inspection of our dumpster, along with trash receptacles in a 2 mile radius, showed no evidence of the crime. After interviewing neighbors, I discovered this was a crime of large proportions - 12 other wreaths were missing.

What pissed me off the most is that someone not only stole my wreath, they stole my thunder. 


Every year, a week before Easter, I put on my bunny uniform - grab my handcuffs, whistle and official bunny badge, and comb the neighborhood for outdated holiday decor.  

Lights, garland, wreaths, deflatable Christmas characters, baby Jesus's, all warrant a cleverly worded citation.

Feeling underwhelmed by the lack of warmth and sunlight? 
Hands always free when you walk in or out of the door?
Call 1-800-LAZY ASS 
We'll gladly dispose of your holiday eyesores. 


But I never steal our neighbors belongings, no matter how tacky or tattered, and I certainly don't go on patrol before Valentines day or even Saint Patricks Day. I patiently wait for the crocus's to POP.  

Once I found a rotten pumpkin, on the third stoop of a slippery step.  I would have been doing them a favor by tossing out their jack-o-lantern, but even this constitutes a crime, punishable by law, and worse - my name, front page in the police blotter.

As of today, the assailants identity is still unknown.  

But that doesn't mean I can't vote him off the island.  

And because I assume my wreath was considered an eyesore, I've replaced it.  

It's wired tight, alarmed with sound, and sure to catch everyone's attention.


  1. OMG, I'm laughing my ass of!!! I want to be a member of Wreath Police. Maybe I'll start a KY chapter,or better yet I'll just leave your little card on the door for fun. :)

    I have to go washing the laughing tears away now. Have a great week Shannon :D
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  2. oh...thank you Jules! I really cannot tell if I'm coming across as funny. Nasty, yes.... funny, not so sure. :)

  3. You're insane. Hysterical, but insane. Blec, um blec, blec, blec, um blec!!!


  4. wreath police. hahahahaha

    I'm glad you went with the so-called friend. I was voting that one off. beotch

  5. That bunny police can arrest me any time. I can picture you patrolling the neighborhood looking for offenders. hahaha

  6. Sam - JimQuinn is going to photoshop my face in the bunny outfit!
    Dazee - I still have to see her from time to time. Not easy taking the high road.
    Boris - and an um Blec Blec to you too!

  7. I'd forgive the friend..Seems she needs more for the client he seems much more exasperating...theré always another rich bastard to replace him. Love ya Shannon....btw....I'd put on bunny ears anyday! Hysterical!!xxSue

  8. what an interesting perspective Sue! THIS is why you're so lovable!!!

  9. I love the new wreath,... it's Eggceptional! Fun to read, as always !! Jelly

  10. Thank YOU Jelly, Jelly!
    Pearl, Soooo glad you saw the funny!

  11. You are so funny. I am going to think all night about who I would kick off my island : ) And I am going to tell Kaish NEVER to touch anyones wreath.

  12. That's terrible! I'm glad my husband FINALLY took our Christmas lights off the roof. I wouldn't want a robber to fall off and hurt himself. These days he'd probably sue me.

    PS I LOVE your Easter wreath!!!

  13. I love this wreath!

    I would vote out my exhusband... no question. But since we can't do that... in real life, I just renew the restraining order. :)

  14. Loooooove the wreath! Also, I'm with Julianna. No QUESTION I would vote off the ex-husband. I feel I'd be doing the whole PLANET a favor!! LOL! Thanks for the laugh, I needed that! xoxo

  15. I don't know what it is, but I really enjoy hearing everyone's responses! We may have to start a separate island just for husbands.

    I'm giving everyone in my neighborhood "larry david eyes"... I don't believe its a kid crime - kids don't notice wreaths. (and Kaishon would NEVER do such a thing!)

  16. This is hilarious! The evil doer definitely needs to leave the island.

    I vote off my three year old son.

    Also, I read your comment on SITS today and I am SO glad you're getting back to writing. You definitely have a talent here and you don't need a psychic to tell you that! Keep it up!

  17. OMG....loved this!! You are so funny and sarcastic...and sweet and kind, etc..etc..!! Rock on! And I love your NEW wreath, too! :D

  18. Wow... A hilarious read!!
    I would not want to be a wreath police for sure...
    Have a great day:-)

  19. shanny shanny shanny.........the beotch was my vote......u know why~~~~ luv u =^..^= and...........nevermind......tee hee

  20. I think that the Wreath Police should institute a SWAT division to remove lights from the houses of those who insist keeping them on all year. Good luck, bunny.

  21. Thank you so much for your sweet comment on Not Twenty-Seven Yet. I loved this post and I'm following you back :)

  22. i say we have an island just for husbands of the like ....AND.....a seperate island for you know who........with alligators surrounding it....or a moat.....tee hee

  23. Thank you for joining my blog. You are extremely funny, and have a sharp wit. I love to write, and I especially enjoy humor. You have a gift. Keep it up. Take care

  24. Wreath thieves? How vile! They not only need to be voted off the island, they need to be forced to listen to Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad" for the rest of their life, continuously.

    I think I would vote off the little bitch at my daughter's school who's been calling my sweet 12 year old girl, Four Eyes because of her new glasses.

    That and Miley Cyrus because I can't stop at just one if it means getting rid of Miley Cyrus.

  25. I would vote myself off.... Sometimes I need a break from me!
    Keep up the witty posts


  26. Woah and WOW. This wild post brought out a lot of emotions in me. I'm not one to "vote off" anything or anyone because I don't believe individuals should ever be held responsible for what's inherently wrong with the state, country, or planet. That being said, I do believe that Dick Cheney is the devil incarnate. He is the terrorist who should be groped quite thoroughly at every airport. He is the reason that bosses are mean, marriages are broken, and wreathes are stolen. He is a BAD example. But he doesn't sweat the small stuff, and sadly, for too many, he is therefore a "good" example. When SURVIVOR casts for another planet, I might sign up...

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Shannon E. Kennedy


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