CANCER FREE

Simply put... 

I am cancer free

Everyone...

yes YOU 

and YOU 

and YOU

YOU carried

YOU comforted

YOU caressed

YOU cradled

YOU empowered

YOU healed

You gave me the courage to do what I recognized in my gut, heart and head, needed to be done.

Thank you. 

I love you

I love you

I love you

Always, 

xoMonkeyME

“When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning. ” 

― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

Pi and I

Today, the sun is strong and there is not a cloud to be found. I am on the deck, dressed in a wide brimmed hat and a loose fitting nightgown. It is more than just an unseasonably warm day, it is PI, a date that reflects an irrational number and corresponds with Albert Einstein and my husband's birthday.

This time last year we were numbed by images of Japans devastating Tsunami. The year before we were beaten by the wrath of a fierce nor-eastern storm. Hurricane strength winds toppled trees while a steady surge of rain caused town wide flooding. It was the worst recorded storm in Connecticut's history. 

But today, on this happy Pi day, I am focused on my healing.

Today... I feel as sleek as a salamander. I have always admired salamanders.

I remember how, as a young girl, I would spend endless hours in search of salamanders. They would hide in moist dirt shadowed by overgrown vegetation. I would focus on the bend and twist of tethered leaves - evidence of their scurry. I would dig for them with my bare hands. Dig deep below the surface. Dig past slugs and worms and disjointed roots.

I loved the look and feel of packed dirt beneath my nail beds. I still do.

I am thrilled with my new, sleek, salamander physic. Bra's, no longer a necessity, are an optional accessory.

I am that happy little girl again - frolicking in the simplicities of my youth.

Miss Pegged surprised me today with two flats of pansies that I bare-handedly and methodically intermingled with cascading shafts of ivy. Together they will flourish in the sun drenched copper planters that line our 5th floor balcony.

I ignore twinges of burning and tearing and throbbing, and instead, focus on the simple pleasures of digging into rich organic soil. Smiling as it, once again, nestles in my unpolished nail beds.

This greenery shields me from our neighbors across the river. It shields me like a salamander.  Here I can hide topless, or bottomless, or, I can simply rest.  Fully dressed.   

I am a far cry from the misery of last Saturday. Saturday was painful and pathetic.  Saturday was the day I read my post surgery instructions that included the 1-800-suicide hotline number.

I medicated myself all day Saturday and most of Sunday. Got high on valium and vicodin, hoping I'd wake just in time for Tuesday.  Tuesday (yesterday) was my first post-op doctors appointment.  Tuesday was the day they yanked the four drains that sank into the center and surrounding walls of my chest. Tuesday was the day I removed my surgical camisole and released the detachable mini jugs filled with sludge from the oozing wounds of my missing breasts.

Tuesday I was set free.

Today I enjoyed a super sleek me.

Tomorrow, I receive my full pathology report - a microscopic view of the dissection of three of my lymph nodes, both of my breasts, my nipples and my areola.  Even a section of "suspicious looking skin" from the under-fold of my right breast.  Tomorrow, I get a glimpse of what my future holds.

xo, MOnkeyME

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.  Albert Einstein

Cat in a Cage

I've got nothing clever or profound to say but I want you to know that my internet is very slow. Either that or I am very slow.

The song, What's new Pussycat is stuck in my head. It's better then We at the Pizza Hut, which, thanks to Jay was stuck in my head for over two weeks, but still, that Pussycat is stuck there.  In my head.

I want to go OUT just as the cat and the dog want to go OUT, but I don't know what I'd do if I went OUT and besides, I've got these four obnoxious drains that resemble mini milk jugs, dangling from the bottom of a surgical camisole.  If I walk on all fours and moo I look like a cow with sagging teats. (I need to stop eating cow). They fill up with gunk that oozes from my chest.  I used to pretend the gunk looked like a french martini but now its more pineapplie and it's disgusting.  Maybe if I bedazzle the drains - make little socks to slip over them so you can't see whats in them, but I don't have the energy for that so I guess I'll just stay here in my bed.

I don't need the painkillers. What I'm feeling is more annoying then painful (except for the shots of pain that sneak up out of nowhere or the burning sensation that spreads across my chest and makes me think I caught myself on fire because I know what that feels like).  The only reason I take a painkiller is if I want to sleep and most of the time that is all I want to do.  The painkiller does give you a nice buzz, but still... nothing beats a glass of wine.  So most often, I opt for a sip of wine and a splash of pain over numb to the point where I don't know if I have toes.

Besides, there's nothing wrong with feeling things.

The cat is meowing.  She wants to go OUT. Please stop meowing cat! YES, I want to go OUT too but you don't hear me meowing.  Or maybe you do.

I'm alone for the first time since my surgery.  Mark went OUT.  Part of me wants to do something bad, like eat a bag of potato chips and wash them down with a stick of butter and a bottle of rootbeer.  But I don't have an appetite. I want to watch whatever it is that I want to watch, only noise of any kind annoys me.

I'd call someone but I don't have the energy to talk and everyone's voice annoys me, except for Mark's voice because he's very quiet and he barely talks.  Remind me not to complain about that when I get better.

It's daylight savings this weekend and I am super excited about it! To me, this means one less hour with my drains.  One less hour before I get my pathology report.

The phone is ringing, I hate the sound of the phone ringing and NO I'm not going to answer YOU. Please don't leave a message.  I hate the beep beep beep sound of the answering machine, warning me that I have a message.


I might be suffering from TMA (too much attention). This doesn't mean you should stop reading me, or telling me how wonderful I am, but I am starting to feel undeserving of all the cards, flowers, gifts, food, etc.  I need to thank you all personally. Each gift lifts my spirits but I'll need to do that on my own one day and today, I have no idea how I'm going to do that.

Oh my god, my phone is ringing AGAIN, and now my cell phone is ringing!!! no, no, NO, I'm not going to answer you.  You are just a phone, you can't tell me what to do!!!


How is possible that there is a new Dr. Seuss movie?

I twirled yesterday and today. To me, it seems like a good way to exercise my shoulders so I don't get that "shoulder lock up" they talk about it.  That doesn't sound like fun.  I asked Mark to videotape it and its OUT there somewhere in youtube land - me in my surgical cami with my drains dangling. (if you REALLY want to see it search for greenmonkey27 twirl drains on youtube - but I must warn you, it isn't pretty)

I'm going to take a nap now.... but first I'm going to eat a special shortbread cookies that somebody very special sent me!  YUMMMAYYYY!!!

LOVE to you from Healing MonkeyME........ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mother Daughter Pre-surgical Moments courtesy of Ling Fong's laptop