Have you seen my Bird Porn?
In the spring of 2009, after accidentally filming two birds fornicating, I uploaded it to youtube and posted it on my Facebook page.
It got a lot of hits and I was amused by the online bantering it generated.
Later that summer, my husband and I were invited to a birthday party hosted by one of his coworkers - an elegant rooftop affair overlooking Time Square. Even though he worked for his company for several years, I had yet to met any of his colleagues.
Contrary to MonkeyME, my husbands is calm, quiet and conservative. Determined not to taint his professional image, I prepared for the party by purchasing Jimmy Choo, 3 inch shoes, raisin red pumping lipstick and studying well-behaved, trophy wife's watching both versions of the movie, The Stepford Wives.
If nothing else, I would be plumped-up, tame and stoically, in pain.
The party was in full swing when we entered the 42nd story rooftop. Because there was only a hint of a railing, I held my husbands hand tightly and steered us away from ledge.
I wasn't certain what to expect from this band of bond traders.
A general surveillance showed an equal split right down the middle - wife's huddled on the inside, husbands teetering on the edge.
The dance was perfectly timed:
and 1, 2, 3, 4 couple enter left, host enters right
and 5, 6, 7, 8 leads wife to herd and husband to bar
I was left with a brood of blond bobbed, overwhelmed, stay at home mommies.
Bored by the details of labor pains, play dates, diaper duty, and sore nipples - I slowly moonwalked my way towards the edge.
AND there, in the center of our men, stood a curvaceous Russian beauty. Her name was Lena. She had wild eyes, never ending legs, and a contagious smile.
It took some work on my part to corner her, but I was determined to find out why she chose finance of fashion model.
My husband, Mark, made no mention of a female coworker and I never thought to ask.
"Mark is married?" she asked
"Yes, thats why I call him my husband" I answered.
After an intense interrogation, I discovered that Lena laughed with her mouth wide open, dated a doctor, smoked cigars, is a classically trained pianist, and was once detained on the suspicion of being a spy.
It's hard to top that.
"Want to see my bird porn?" I asked.
Well of course she did.
We spent the next few hours, tossing back scotch, puffing on stogies, and guessing the cock size of her coworkers based on the size of their hands.
"Mark's is HUGE" I assured her.
Lena left the company a few months later with no forwarding address.
In doing research for this post, I googled "bird porn" and to my surprise, this is what I found.
A pop, smooth punk recording artist, and owner and founder of the "Thank You For Your Sex" brand.
I guess I made a lasting impression on Lena.
Hey, want to see my Bird Porn?
photo found on Google Image