Acceptance

My research is complete. My decisions are made. My bag(s) are packed.

It is time for me to turn inward.

I wanted to write to you all week. Instead I stored everything in my head.

On Friday I had pre-op testing and was told I have a heart murmur. When I asked for more details I was told my heart should go "flub dub" but instead it goes "dub flub." The doctor, a petite asian woman, sounded so adorable saying,"flub dub, dub flub" that I had her to repeat it several more times.

I explained that this could be a side effect of listening to too much dubstep. She didn't get it. I tried to explain dubstep. Still, she didn't get it.

Bassnectar photo courtesy of moviespad

It happened again. This is the second time it happened. The first time it was the radiologist that asked. This time, it was the nurse.

"Are you related to THE Kennedy's?"

"Your resemblance to Eunice is uncanny!" said the radiologist.
"The look is so distinctive" said the nurse.

photo courtesy of google image

The first time I said nothing but gave a coy, don't tell a soul look. The second time I answered, "Yes, on my fathers side."

I'm afraid of what I'll say the next time I'm asked. ("Please don't let another Kennedy die!")

I have been given an arrival time of 9:30 am. I am to report (on time) to the nuclear medicine department where they will inject my breasts with dye and scan me. After the dye reaches its destination - estimated time of arrival one and a half hours -  I will proceed to surgery.  Once I'm under, they will inject another dye that will aid in determining what sentinel lymph nodes will be biopsied.

This is important, I need CLEAN NODES!!! CLEAN NODES!!! Multifaceted, crystal clear, shimmering, clean, lymph nodes.

The breast surgeon will remove the tissue from both of my breasts along with my nipples and areola. Then the reconstructive surgeon will insert tissue expanders that resemble a deflated, non-regulation sized, basketball. About 8 weeks after surgery, and every week or so thereafter, they will slowly inflate them with saline. Four months after that I will be ready for my second surgery where they will remove the tissue expanders and give me my implants. I'm sticking with a full B cup size. If I opt for double D's it will take a year and a half.

At my request, my husband photographed my breasts from every angle. For one shot, I balanced a mimosa in the center of the chest.

I strung your cards on silk ribbon and draped them from a wood beam that stretches across my bedroom ceiling. They are a constant reminder that I am loved.

Yesterday, I shaved. To avoid infection, this is the last time I will use a razor until I'm healed. I also started using a disinfectant cleanser the hospital recommended - guaranteed to keep me germ free for up to 6 hours.

I took my fingernail polish off.  I took my jewelry off.

I burned all my bras. One house guest burnt her panties. I can't tell you who. (see hint in next line)

Miss Pegged bought a ice blue silk pajama's.  They are beautiful. They make me feel pretty and they will make siding in and out of bed easier.

I spent the last week visualizing and affirming positive, radiant, health.  I found a wonderful reiki practitioner who worked with me during the week and will continue when I am home.  I have been reading a book called Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster by Peggy Huddleston which speaks to me on many levels.

By chance, I discovered my breast surgeon and my reiki practitioner are friends. They both go to the same church. They both have great respect for each other.  Knowing my breast surgeon is a spiritual being is very comforting.

I feel lighter.

I am ready.

All I need now is your prayers. I am asking that you visualize me wrapped in a radiant blanket of love. You decide what that blanket looks like.

By doing this you will prepare me for surgery. You will open me to healing. You will bring me peace and clarity. You will allow my soul to shine.

I love you.

xoMonkeyME