NO means...

Somewhere between the hours of 2:00 and 4:45 AM, my husband of almost 10 years announced that he was leaving me. When I asked him why, he said, "I don't like the color green."

The rest is pretty fuzzy - something about kitchen tiles and shades of green. But his car is green. Why would he buy a green car if he doesn't like the color green?

I started to cry. I cried so hard that I woke myself up. And then I woke my husband up.

"Are you leaving me?" I asked.
"Yes," he admits.
"When?"
"Around 10:30"

I remember now. He is headed to Philadelphia in the morning. He and a friend are going to a baseball game and he won't be back until late.

Is that what prompted my dream? His day trip to Philadelphia? Or is it Christians dismissal of Anastasia in Chapter 17 of 50 Shades of Grey. It was the last thing I heard before drifting off to sleep (I have the audiobook version, convinced it would cure my insomnia).

I have allowed this ridiculous, poorly written, implausible erotica to take hold of my life.

I consider myself an open minded, adventurous women, but never have I imagined anything as wild as whats going on in the sadomasochistic "red room of pain." It's disturbing and above all, its HOT.

The thought of someone controlling me is sickening. Every time Christian tells Anastasia what to do I cringe. And how do you sign a contract that allows someone to "fuck you hard" without the ground rules of mutual respect and love (as in a marriage contract)?

In the world according to "oh baby Grey" NO does not mean no, NO means "nipple orgasm." 

Remember how I doubted them? Well, to my dismay, nineteen women have come forward claiming that their N spot is sweeter than their G spot.  I'd be quick to dismiss them if I didn't find 90% of them on breastcancer.org. Interestingly, most of them have dense, smaller sized breasts. It's as if breast tissue interferes with your ability to climax.

Many women worry their husband/boyfriend/sex slave will leave them when they lose their breasts. Is that what caused my nightmare?

"My doctors appointment is at 1:30" I remind my husband. "When you get home I'll be bigger!"

How many times does a man hear that? Today is the first saline injection into my new tissue expanders. The saline stretches the skin and muscle, eventually allowing room for implants.

It's been two months since my double mastectomy, two weeks since my revision surgery, and I'm finally starting to feel good, normal, happy, spry, and thanks to 50 Shades of Grey, sexual.

When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. My new, little mounds are adorable and now that I've had revision surgery, they are perfectly positioned. From here on in, all of my reconstruction decisions are exciting ones. First, how big do I want my foobs to be (full B?) and then, how will I adorn them - nipples or imbedded jewels, tattoo's that mimic areola or detailed works of art?

My scars reflect my courage. My courage inspires personal growth. And with that growth comes a more confident, more resilient, a more radiant me.

So what if it's too late for me to have a nipple orgasm. It's time to explore other erogenous zones, and number one on my list is my brain.

A Friends classic:

Top Seven Female Erogenous Zones according to Monica

xoOHBaby where'd I put my

brown braided riding crop, MonkeyME

And while you're at it...
Blame it on Grey

"Sorry Mom, I forgot to send you a Mothers Day card, I was busy shopping for a brown braided riding crop."


"Yes, I know its way past midnight, but I want to listen to Chapter 18 one, more, glorious, oh baby time."


"Tell me again why there is a 5 year wait to lease a black Audi R8 coupe, TT, sedan, spyder?"


"I know you just had a baby, but please don't say, "Oh baby!"


"Red room" has taken on a whole different meaning!

xo,MonkeyMe