If Only In His Dreams

What this story needs is a photo and I'm sorry to say I don't have one. As soon as I saw them I knew I needed a picture.

Katia had been missing for over two weeks. Her frantic, breathy, voicemail message coupled with her thick polish accent was difficult to decipher. "So... sorry," was all I understood.

Katia is my housekeeper. In a recent blog post, Confessions of a Sexy Housekeeper, I contemplate whether or not she is a prostitute. The circumstances surrounding my suspicions are presumptuous at best. True, she is a slender, fair skinned, European beauty who's lips have doubled in volume since her employment, but I have no evidence other than the fact that she disappears from time to time, is a member of SugerDaddy.com, and drives a BMW 3 series.

Katia finally surfaced last week. And with her came the explanation.

I was six days post nipple surgery. I could barely get out of bed. When I explained my dilemma to Katia, she quickly confessed that she too was recovering from surgery.

And then she showed me hers.

All I could think of was...... Must get picture.  Must relay latest development to Boris.

Illustration by Sarah Mcllwaine

Boris is my talented, successful, single, handsome, freakishly tall, blue eyed friend whose only downfall is his attraction to emotionally unavailable blondes.

And I am Boris's Wing Woman. My job is to round up as many beauties as I can, woo them with tales of Boris's charms and then introduce them to my Adonis acquaintance.

Boris and I first met in a park over five years ago. It was a brisk, fall morning when he introduced himself. New to the neighborhood, he wore flip-flops, a beat-up patriots baseball cap, a lucky brand t-shirt and light weight sweat pants. He carried a home brewed cup of coffee - an unusual sight considering that Starbucks was less than a block away.

We were both walking our dogs - his a beautiful golden retriever and mine an adorable, 5 pound shih-tzu. Both appeared disinterested in each other and annoyed by our chatter.

To outsiders, our friendship seems mismatched but to us, we were well-suited. Boris was the first person I contacted when I was delivered the devastating blow, "you have cancer." And I knew he would respond appropriately.

"I have cancer," said I.
"I'm coming over," said Boris.

My idea of beauty includes more than the physical appearance. Women worthy of Boris must be kind, truthful, self-confident and come with a minimal amount of emotional baggage.

Despite what Boris may think, Katia does NOT fit that description so I have done my best to keep them apart. And yet, when she showed me her new breasts all I could think of was... Boris is going to love these!

"Do you think they're too big?" She asked.

Oddly, my husband and I had just caught an HBO Katie Morgan, post implant, special - so when I say, they are HUGE by porn star status, I know what I'm talking about.

"No," I lied, knowing that this is what Boris would want me to say.
"I don't like them," confessed Katia.
"Don't be silly," I assured her, "they're lovely!"

It's not every day that a women exposes her bare breasts to me. And I knew Boris would be disappointed if I didn't at least TRY to get a picture of them. So I showed her mine. Then I showed her pictures of mine in various stages - from my sunken, horrifically bruised, post mastectomy picture, to my most recent.

My implants are almost double the size of Katia's but without breast tissue they are a mere morsel compared to what Katia is carrying.

"I love your nipples," professed Katia.
"They're new," I said.
"Where is your areola?" asked Katia.
"That comes next," I assured her.

Not only had Katia had her breasts enlarged - she also had her areola reduced.

"Why did you do that?" I asked.
"Too big" she declared.

"Well, I'll be picking my size as well as my color and I only get one chance to get it right," I elaborated.

Ah...that's it! I have the perfect wing women line!

"Can I take a picture of yours so I can show my plastic surgeon?"

I couldn't go through with it. I failed as a wing woman.

I have no photo - no proof of Katia's development.

But if you dare to dream, this is Katia. Pre-implant Katia. The Katia in Boris's dreams...

xo,MOnkeyME

P.S. Katia is a NO SHOW again this week. 

For those of you entertaining the idea of dating a porn star visit

"10 Reasons You Don't Want To Date a Porn Star"


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