Thursday, December 6, 2012

Confessions of a Sexy Housekeeper




With a wide open weekend devoted to writing, I wasted most of it wondering if my housekeeper is a prostitute.

If you discovered your housekeeper was a prostitute would you fire her?

What if she was a stripper?

What if she was a sexy housekeeper?

Did you know there is such a thing as a sexy housekeeper?

According to Confessions of a Sexy Housekeeper, a sexy housekeeper wears sexy outfits, whether it be a french maid outfit or luscious lingerie, while performing light housework. There is erotic conversation and flirtation, without bodily contact. It's 85% visual and 15% physical.

I suppose that means scrubbing your pot is out of the question, but what about tickling you with a feather duster?

A professional sexy housekeeper arrives in plain clothes and changes into a costume of your liking. She has perfected the art of vacuuming, without bending her knees, in 6 inch stiletto heels, and can polish a wood surface using the heat of her breath and the wax-on wax-off beat of her hands.

If you're feeling hungry, she'll bend over a hot stove and cook for you. Then she'll serve you and clean up after you - gently wipe lingering morsels of gooey goodness from your mouth and chin.

If you want to be a sexy housekeeper, you must have the face and body to match a man or woman's fantasy. You must be dexterous and deft, cool under pressure, and unwilling to rest (sorry Dr. Seuss).

You must be compliant, clever, and complacent - be able to handle unruly customers who complain their flatware isn't polished enough, their carpet isn't vacuumed enough, or their marble floor isn't slick enough.

Most of these women work for all service companies and according to their desired skills and resume criteria, you need to have excellent conversation and organizational skills.

Really? Why?

There are companies in larger cities that hire "out-of-the-norms," meaning cross-dressers, transvestites, full-figured men and women. Even...dare I say it, middle-aged women. So"sexy" isn't limited to cute and perky.

Ironically, after an exhausting google search, I have yet to find a sexy housekeeper who's duties include ironing. I can't even find a royalty free photo of a sexy/hot women ironing.

Which brings me back to my first question...

Would you fire your housekeeper if you found out she was a prostitute?

What if she ironed your sheets?

I love crawling into clean, fragrantly sweet, well pressed, sheets. But as much as I love them, I'm not willing to do them and I don't want dropping them off at my dry cleaners to be one of my duties. Besides, I'd still have to put them on.

This is the main reason why I have a housekeeper. That and she talks to the cat.

So why do I think my housekeeper is a prostitute?

Besides the fact that she's a slender, fair skinned, european beauty in her mid 20's, with legs up to her ears and hair to her waist - she drives a BMW and has had more cosmetic surgeries than anyone I know and I live in a superficial city overpopulated with trophy wives who worship botox and peroxide, and spend their days flitting from the gym, to country club benefits, to squandering small fortunes at garish boutiques.

Last week, when housekeeper Katia, failed to show up I called her. It was a bit too late on a Friday night and I was on my second bowl of wine. To my surprise she answered her phone in a breathy tone.

"Helllllo, how may I help you," she moaned.

Feeling awkward, I disguised my voice and asked for Rebecca.

"Yah, tis is Rrrrebecca... what I can do for you?" she eagerly baited me.

I had no comeback, no clever retort. So I hung up.

Clearly, I have no proof, no solid evidence. And even if I did, is that grounds for dismissal?

I say YES, based on the fact that prostitution is illegal and the willingness to partake in such an act of crime alludes to a certain amount of desperation and if someone is desperate enough to sell their body, what is stopping them from selling my jewelry?

My husband, on the other hand, is intrigued by the idea/fantasy of Katia having a side job. He no longer focuses on lingering dust bunnies or complains about mismatched socks. Instead of grumbling about her shortcomings, he wonders what other chores she performs.

With each of us having a 50% stake in household decisions, we are deadlocked. So I'm turning to you my clever, insightful, devoted readers of all things monkey...

Should she stay, or should she go? 




XO,MonkeyMe
UPDATE:
Katia called my office yesterday to say that she would not be able to come this week. She said she was very sorry. It was difficult to understand her explanation. There was a lot of emotion in her voice. But it had something to do with court. This changes everything. If someone or something is struggling my natural instinct is to help. This time, all I have to do is sleep in dirty sheets. I can do that.


49 comments:

  1. If she's making enough money from whatever to drive a BMW, what the hell is she doing working as a housekeeper? Seems odd to me.

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    1. maybe she does the cleaning to stay in shape??? it's very odd indeed, but so is most of my life. It's like the oh so powerful monkeys of the universe design it this way so that I'll have something to post about. :)

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  2. Oh Hell NO!!! She definitely STAYS!!! ;oD

    ~shoes~

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    1. I'M SHOCKED!!!! this coming from Shoes of all people! :)

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  3. Why on Earth would you fire her based on your perception or mere suspicion of what she might do with other customers? Either she is a good housekeeper or she is not. I am pretty amazed that a Burner would ever think this way. I am CERTAIN that there are people out there who would fire their housekeepers in a SECOND if they found out that they were proponents of and attendees at a drug saturated, free love, fire obsessed annual orgy of free expression in the middle of the desert. Would you? I think or hope not. So why fire someone because THEY might also be a sex worker if your sheets are clean and your house is dust free? I say people should be free to earn their living however they want as long as no-one else is HURT in the process. On the other and hand, you should definitely at least THREATEN to fire her over the fact that she did not show up last week and obviously did not call you about it. That is pretty inexcusable and deserves at the very least a threat to fire her if not a joint spanking by you and your husband. :-)

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    1. ohhhhhhhh my!!! Look at the mess I made. I am in BIG trouble now. Clearly, I am tainted and deserve a spanking! Maybe I should insist she clean my costumes to make up for me having to clean my own toilet bowel. Either way... I'm guilty of using my cleaning women as a prop to prompt a blog post. Monkey BAD, BAD, BAD!!!

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  4. I say if you see this as a sign of desperation then give her a raise.

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  5. hmmm 2 questions. why is prostitution illegal and is this service national?
    ;p

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    1. yes, this "sexy housekeeper" service seems to be nation wide and I don't think its illegal!

      the whole prostitution illegal thing is crazy. I predict Colorado will be the first to legalize it. Second, of course, will be Nevada.

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  6. I would definitely not fire her.

    I think this brings up a need, though. Middle Aged Moms : We clean your house and tell you to get your feet OFF the coffee table. And close the door. Were you raised in a barn? ;)

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    1. and flush, lets not forget to flush. And while we're at it... floss. Flush and floss... :)

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    2. And put the toilet seat DOWN!

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    3. Who the hell leaves just two squairs on the roll! ...come on do you want me to wipe ypur butt to? It takes two seconds to swap out the rolls!

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  7. PS: Your new design is gorgeous! I love your header & the background colour and everything. How beautiful!

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    1. Thanks Em! I found the header and added the monkey and heart. The background and template is blogger but I can't get the header or the description under the header in the center. And THAT is what I honestly spent all my weekend obsessing about.

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    2. Oooh, I love the way it looks though. It's wonderful. (And I so get obsessing about that. I'm like that with my blog myself.)

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    3. I got it Em, I GOT IT!!!! well, I googled it and then I got it. Next, I need to figure out how to center the "configure text" which appears after the header. I think you have wordpress so its a monkey of a different color.

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  8. It is my experience that the mere act of housecleaning gives my man a boner. If I wear an apron he can barely contain himself. I think most men would be happy enough if anyone cooked them a nice meal in a push up bra and tube socks, men aren’t as picky as we think. They just like being pampered.

    I say keep her! She sounds fabulous! I have had my housekeeper for over 15 years, she is adorable and easily 10 or so years younger than me. Her official title is “Housekeeping Monitor” What she does is mostly is demand that my husband and I keep out house within minimum standards of cleanliness, so that she can dust, clean windows and mop once a week. She has much greater expectations for us than we do for ourselves. My husband and I dance around high fiving each other with relief anytime we find out she will be unavailable for a week, even my dogs are scared of her.

    I don’t usually worry about her parading around in a sexy costume as she doesn’t allow my husband in the house while she is cleaning (one of her many rules). Frankly, my husband is bored with sexy costumes. (as I am sure your husband is too).

    As for being a prostitute, who cares, I personally think giving a blow job is much less work than doing the dishes, however the clean kitchen does often lead to some tasty meals.

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    1. Pinky I might be the only women in america who doesn't own an apron! I asked slice if he thought it was a turn on and he got a HUGE smile on his face :))))))

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  9. Yep there is such a service where you can hire a sexy lady who is dressed ummm in hardly nothing and cleans tour home but of course it states no physical contact is allowed. Ya right!

    I remember that flordia has it but that was a few years ago so I'm sure it's in more states now.

    Lol I knew Shoes would say she stays.

    I say unless you have better proof she stays but make her dress like s nun

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    1. :))))))) ha!!!! nuns can be very naughty!

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  10. Look at it this way.. If you fire her, you're going to have to do all the cleaning yourself until you hire someone else. Why risk it? Dishpan hands are terrible (I've heard).

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  11. She should stay. Eye candy is eye candy, after all.

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    1. okay Honey B, but if I catch her in my black pleather naughty nurses costume she's OH YOU TEE !!!!

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  12. The title to this post is going to be a Google goldmine. You might be better at picking Google-candy titles than anyone I read.

    As a very sexy person who is sometimes out of breath when I answer the phone, I should resent this post. I laughed anyway.

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    1. and clearly I need to practice sounding more sultry .... either I jump up and down or pick up smoking. I can't decide.

      and YES, YES, YES.... I do put energy into the title. Oddly, my post with the most hits is simple titled "THANK YOU" (weird, right?)

      so glad I made you laugh ~

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  14. You are right. YOU deserve to be spanked. By the naked maid.

    Pictures or it didn't happen.

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    1. OHHHHH MY!!! OHHHHHH MY!!! spoken like a true monkey should. Does photoshop count?

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  15. Lmao...really Shannon this fricking cracked me up!
    Keep her...then if you find out she is hoing on the side blackmail her for a story series called Ho-usekeeping, how to bend over and keep the stalkings clean

    Wander

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    1. she's due here today. what are the odds that she reads my blog???? i'm nervous!

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  16. I say she stays. And also, what's her phone number, my place is a little messy!

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    1. ahhhhh if only you were still in da shity! Thanks for visiting :)

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  17. um, I had all those jobs except prostitute. . . . . back in the day. . . .


    Friendly Aloha from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral

    ~ > < } } ( ° >

    > < 3 3 3 ( ' >

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    1. I have got to find out what all your symbols mean. Thanks for visiting Cloudia.

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  18. I know why she was missing...she was at MY house ironing my sheets!!!! And she charges by the thread count....'


    MG

    Ps. that means she IS a prostitute!!!!!!!!

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  19. Hey, as long as she's not doing whatever she's doing on *your* freshly laundered (and pressed) sheets, who cares?
    ;-)
    PS Clean sheets is the main reason I have a housekeeper too. Though mine only presses the pillowcases, it's still more than I would ever do. I love into fresh sheets!

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    1. good point, Katia has been slacking off ... skipping the fitted sheet. Glad to hear we have more in common then cancer and TE troubles!

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  20. I don't care what she wears while doing it, I just want someone else to clean my house! I live only with my sons, I don't care if she is a prostitute - my bed should see some action other than me rolling side to side in discomfort and as long as she leaves me bed rental on the side table, she can have her sexy other life.

    But I wont pay her for anything other than house cleaning :)

    ......dhole

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    1. ahhhh! that was great! thank you for stopping by Donna :)

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  21. there are so many reasons she would not be fired by me...
    a, i wont have one until i earn enough money
    b, i dont want a pretty one, too jealous
    c, i wouldnt call in middle of night, if she messed up she'd be history by my hub (but a bowl of wine sounds good!)
    d, i am too naive to think of that...

    that was a fun post! do you think she read it? ha! maybe she has her own website!

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    1. ohhhh now that is a thought! I'm going to google "Katia, prostitute" and see what I find. HEY, this could be a whole new blog post!

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  22. *dies* Ohmygawd, this post is hysterical. Who even knew such a thing existed? Why are there not ads for hunky housekeeping men who will clean your home in their skivvies. That's what I'd look for.

    As to the question, though... I wouldn't have a problem with a housekeeper who was a hooker on the side... adds a little color... (and I'd feel good about providing her with a legal income strand because the hope is she isn't a prostitute because she HAS to be, but chances are she IS. Rational people aren't prostitutes unless they are STUCK)

    The exceptions? If there was any indication she was eying my husband or stealing...

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    1. I love it when I make people laugh. Thanks for stopping by Hart. I enjoy your site as well (even if it is legal)

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  23. Horndog with a Disheveled Domicile in DisarrayDecember 17, 2012 at 7:25 PM

    UPDATE PLEASE....... ??? Is your housekeeping hottie still purifying your polluted pad or has she humped off to more productive pastures peversely producing more profuse profits?

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    1. how clever are YOU!!! since you worded it so eloquently... Katia, or someone with her skills, arrived somewhere between the hours of 10:30 am and 10:30 pm last thursday - while we were at the hospital. The sheets are crisp and sweet, no evidence of cat hair... so.... it looks as though she's still getting down on her hands and knees

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  24. Update from the domestic den of iniquity? Still no pictures offered I see.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

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Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
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Shannon E. Kennedy

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