Confessions of a Sexy Housekeeper

With a wide open weekend devoted to writing, I wasted most of it wondering if my housekeeper is a prostitute.

If you discovered your housekeeper was a prostitute would you fire her?

What if she was a stripper?

What if she was a sexy housekeeper?

Did you know there is such a thing as a sexy housekeeper?

According to Confessions of a Sexy Housekeeper, a sexy housekeeper wears sexy outfits, whether it be a french maid outfit or luscious lingerie, while performing light housework. There is erotic conversation and flirtation, without bodily contact. It's 85% visual and 15% physical.

I suppose that means scrubbing your pot is out of the question, but what about tickling you with a feather duster?

A professional sexy housekeeper arrives in plain clothes and changes into a costume of your liking. She has perfected the art of vacuuming, without bending her knees, in 6 inch stiletto heels, and can polish a wood surface using the heat of her breath and the wax-on wax-off beat of her hands.

If you're feeling hungry, she'll bend over a hot stove and cook for you. Then she'll serve you and clean up after you - gently wipe lingering morsels of gooey goodness from your mouth and chin.

If you want to be a sexy housekeeper, you must have the face and body to match a man or woman's fantasy. You must be dexterous and deft, cool under pressure, and unwilling to rest (sorry Dr. Seuss).

You must be compliant, clever, and complacent - be able to handle unruly customers who complain their flatware isn't polished enough, their carpet isn't vacuumed enough, or their marble floor isn't slick enough.

Most of these women work for all service companies and according to their desired skills and resume criteria, you need to have excellent conversation and organizational skills.

Really? Why?

There are companies in larger cities that hire "out-of-the-norms," meaning cross-dressers, transvestites, full-figured men and women. Even...dare I say it, middle-aged women. So"sexy" isn't limited to cute and perky.

Ironically, after an exhausting google search, I have yet to find a sexy housekeeper who's duties include ironing. I can't even find a royalty free photo of a sexy/hot women ironing.

Which brings me back to my first question...

Would you fire your housekeeper if you found out she was a prostitute?

What if she ironed your sheets?

I love crawling into clean, fragrantly sweet, well pressed, sheets. But as much as I love them, I'm not willing to do them and I don't want dropping them off at my dry cleaners to be one of my duties. Besides, I'd still have to put them on.

This is the main reason why I have a housekeeper. That and she talks to the cat.

So why do I think my housekeeper is a prostitute?

Besides the fact that she's a slender, fair skinned, european beauty in her mid 20's, with legs up to her ears and hair to her waist - she drives a BMW and has had more cosmetic surgeries than anyone I know and I live in a superficial city overpopulated with trophy wives who worship botox and peroxide, and spend their days flitting from the gym, to country club benefits, to squandering small fortunes at garish boutiques.

Last week, when housekeeper Katia, failed to show up I called her. It was a bit too late on a Friday night and I was on my second bowl of wine. To my surprise she answered her phone in a breathy tone.

"Helllllo, how may I help you," she moaned.

Feeling awkward, I disguised my voice and asked for Rebecca.

"Yah, tis is Rrrrebecca... what I can do for you?" she eagerly baited me.

I had no comeback, no clever retort. So I hung up.

Clearly, I have no proof, no solid evidence. And even if I did, is that grounds for dismissal?

I say YES, based on the fact that prostitution is illegal and the willingness to partake in such an act of crime alludes to a certain amount of desperation and if someone is desperate enough to sell their body, what is stopping them from selling my jewelry?

My husband, on the other hand, is intrigued by the idea/fantasy of Katia having a side job. He no longer focuses on lingering dust bunnies or complains about mismatched socks. Instead of grumbling about her shortcomings, he wonders what other chores she performs.

With each of us having a 50% stake in household decisions, we are deadlocked. So I'm turning to you my clever, insightful, devoted readers of all things monkey...

Should she stay, or should she go? 

XO,MonkeyMe

UPDATE:
Katia called my office yesterday to say that she would not be able to come this week. She said she was very sorry. It was difficult to understand her explanation. There was a lot of emotion in her voice. But it had something to do with court. This changes everything. If someone or something is struggling my natural instinct is to help. This time, all I have to do is sleep in dirty sheets. I can do that.