Friday, February 26, 2010

Fancy Pants

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I’m not into labels, unless we’re talking about the inside tag of an "oh so soft" undergarment.  My favorite line of intimate apparel is a brand called Natori.  They are not, by any means, the most expensive line of lingerie.  That would be a tie between Wolford and Hanro. Back in my days of frivolous, pamper me purchases, I’ve been known to acquire a pair or two.  The average cost of a Hanro pantie is $58.00.  A Wolford will run you anywhere from $60 to $120.00. That’s one hundred and twenty dollars for two panels, and a crotch.  Sure, they’re comfortable, and oh so alluring, but unless we’re talking mink or a fine grade of Italian leather, I can no longer justify the cost.  Imagine if you accidentally soiled a pair, or your pup ate the crotch (pugs will do that).

I stopped buying them the day I calculated how long I had to work to buy a pair of those fancy pants.  I’ve tried the brand known as Hanky Panky, they were HUGE last year. Great name, fun colors, but they don’t hold up well in the wash - even if they never see the inside of a dryer.  Mine only averaged 6 and a half delicate cycles before the seams starts to unravel.

My favorite style of panties is a low-rise, boy-cut brief, in a silky spandex blend with a soft-touch laced waistband.  Pretty, sexy, in an understated sort of way.  They fit my 50 year old frame and my personality.  Typically, I wear a shade called “champagne” (a fancy way of saying beige).  I have a hard time buying only one pair.  “I‘ll take a bottle” I told the sales associate. She quickly shot back with, “don’t you mean a case.”  I hate being out humored while shopping.

I lost my desire for the hot pink and chartreuse print panties somewhere in my late 30s.  If I’m feeling wild, I’ll wear black.  I own one, well fitted black bra, and 2 matching panties.  Lets just say, that my “special occasion” days are limited.

I still have the slate blue sheer laced thong I wore on my wedding day - my “something blue.”  Pretty to look at, but by far the most uncomfortable undergarment imaginable. They gave me a rash! (enough said)  Note to the manufacturer…stiff ruffed lace on delicate skin is NEVER a good idea.  When I hold them up, I can’t believe they once caressed both my legs and my waist.  I suppose cheese and wine, and thong, don’t mix.  I know I somehow, shimmied them past my thighs because I distinctly remember the uncomfortable ride.

I never understood the appeal of a “thong.”  I don’t even like the word THONG.  Which reminds me, my second husbands last name was Fong.  Did I wear thongs back when I was a Fong?  I doubt it.  Too poetic for my taste.

Oh, and here is a secret for my male readers (if you’re out there) don’t think you’re doing your lady any favors when you shop at Victoria Secret. Lets just face it - its not for her, its for YOU.  You want her to look just like those stiff, plastic manikins in the storefront window.  You know the type - tall thin, never ending legs, long flowing hair and a mouth that doesn’t move.

If I want to shop locally for intimate apparel, I only have a few choices.  Saks, Victoria Secret (not a chance) and a chic little boutique that is so welcoming even Mark (the husband) will walk in.  The owner is, of all things, a MAN.  Something I never, in my life, would have thought was a good idea.  He’s knowledgeable in a way that doesn’t make sense, and not at all intimidating.  He is an expert at woman's body’s.  He knows what style of panties will fit you best, and, with both hands tied behind his back, will size you up for the perfecting fitting bra.

Sadly, I have been informed that he is no longer carrying the Natori brand.  Something about a manufacturing meltdown.  Out of sheer desperation I drove out of town in search of my favorite panties.  The cold, cruel reality is that they are now, officially, extinct.  Once again, I have fall in love and completely dependent upon an item that is discontinued.

I came home and googled Natori, hoping to find a close out discount website like Zappo’s or Direct Buy, for panties.  I came up empty.  I decided my only choice was to give up wearing panties all together.  Its winter, so its easy to transition from panties to cotton crotch tights.  But what do I do come spring?

Spanx tights are flattering, but when combine with dry, wintry skin, the comfort component is removed.  Perhaps if I found the perfect moisturizer. Something that will allow the spandex to glide over my not so silky smooth legs.  And again, for you men who are wonder what a “Spanx” is - sorry, I can’t tell you (and no, its not what you‘re thinking).  It’s a middle aged woman’s best kept secret. Forget I mentioned it.

It was there, beside the ultra hydrating Lubriderm, and moisture masking Eucerin, that I spotted the drug store pantyhose.  Did you know they still sell L’eggs but they’re no longer packaged in eggs?  When exactly did that happen?  Did the popularity of Spanx overcome the egg?

I studied the hosiery items - reading the fine print and inspecting the packaging as though I was standing in the mystery section at Barns and Nobel.  There, next to the L’eggs, were the “not so fancy panties”  - Hanes cotton briefs.  They were labeled as being “soft, comfortable, underwear that feels good all day, every day with a superb fit, wash after wash.”  As appealing as this sounded, I was completely turned off by the price tag.  Three  pairs for $6.75, that’s $2.25 per pair - a dollar per panel with a .25 cent crotch.  There is no way I’m going to buy these, my ass is way too spoiled for practical panties!

Under further inspection I uncovered the “will stay in place or your money back” guarantee. Not sure what side of me found that appealing - probably the side that wished I had applied myself more and become a lawyer.  However, as much as I enjoy a healthy debate, what would I do if they didn’t stay in place? Repackage them (after/before washing?) and ship them back to the manufacturer?  After much deliberation, I decided I was up for the challenge.  I casually tossed them in my basket, then hid them under a pile of moisturizers.

Two days passed before I decided to give them a try.  I wore them under my “Not Your Daughters Jeans” (denim blended with spandex - a true miracle) sat in them at my desk, for almost 6 hours straight.  Came home and  recovered them with well worn sweats and ran (walked, trotted) in them for one and a half miles.

I’m here to report that these not so fancy pants are true to form.  Comfortable, non- binding, AND they know their place better than any pantie I have ever owned.

I went back the next day and bought 3 more packs, this time in a crazy array of patterns and colors.  If I am going to be fiscally sensible, I am going to need to step up my style! 

Please don’t judge me by my practical panties, underneath, I am still an adventurous, free spirited, 50 year old - comforted by the soft touch of cotton.


Green Monkey Tales © 2010 Shannon E. Kennedy

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51 comments:

  1. hahaha, loved it! You've found out what I've known for years. Hanes are great. Granted, this is coming from someone who NEVER pays full price for a piece of cloth and regularly gets 5-10 years out of a decent piece of clothing. My clothing budget is extremely small. Have to save it for those regular car changes, you know. But, I never buy fancy clothes when regular is just as good. Oh, and in case you're wondering, boxer briefs.

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  2. P.S. - that, of course, is when I actually wear clothes. Skin is a much more comfortable outfit. ;-)

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  3. Thank You Sam!!! I didn't know if I was funny :) I mean, I think I'm funny, but I didn't know if I'd read funny.

    briefs??? hmmm...can't picture it.

    and of course you're right, skin is where its at!!!

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  4. Boxer briefs, my dear. Much better than tighty whitey briefs. They stay put, but have lots of room for the boys. Can't stand regular boxers. It's like wearing something to bed. Majorly uncomfortable because they shift all over and do their own thing. They go whereever they choose. Hate that.

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  5. so glad I've created an open pantie dialogue! :)

    its almost cocktail hour and I've been dry for 4 days straight - I picked giving up wine, over cheese. (just so that I can get in panties shape)

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  6. Shannon...ask Sam about his pink heart boxers. they are priceless.
    I concur though it is funny!

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  7. Love it, smartypants!!! xoxo

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  8. darling century 21 in manhatten has the cream of the crop in underwear selection...its a great store at good prices ..loved your post !

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  9. Loved the article.. I wear Jockey silks hipsters (the most comfortable in the world and no lines show) it's like wearing nothing, but nothing is great also.

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  10. okay...Sue L is Mark's sister...right? cause she gets the Bailey state of mind.

    Century 21 - Nancy???

    its like a game...this is so much fun!

    Thank you all for reading and commenting. xo

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  11. SAM........SAM..... tell me about those Pink heart boxers!!!

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  12. "cheese and wine, and thong, don’t mix." they do for me and my babe...

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  13. jaybird!!! so true, so true :)))) silly me.

    okay...I'm going to put this out there before one of my family members beats me to it.

    It's one of those infamous family tales... back when I was a very, very young girl - young enough to be innocent yet old enough to start taking care of myself.... I was caught wearing 5 pair of underwear. One on top of the other. Apparently, when "mom" instructed me to put a clean pair on, I was to assume that I should take the old pair off. YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC parents!!!

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  14. hahaha, that's a riot! How many do you think you could have gotten on?

    I've met Mark's sister, but it's been 25 years. Good to see we made a lasting impression. LOL

    The pink heart boxers will need a post of their own.

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  15. Too funny. Enjoying your writing. Keep it up.

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  16. Great story! I am in complete agreement about THONG underwear. My daughters talked me into test driving thong panties for a week. It was the most uncomfortable week in recent memory, not to mention that only a 20 year old ass looks good in a thong. My ass just looked hillarious in them.

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  17. OK, I am still trying to get over $120.00 underwear! Enjoyed this post!

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  18. Comfortable, non- binding, AND they know there place better than any pantie I have ever owned.

    Should read:

    Comfortable, non- binding, AND they know their place better than any pantie I have ever owned.

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  19. some great imagery here... so you never heard the rule if you blog and need images you gotta take your own... hmm i mean i need to visualize this. ; p

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  20. Da.........(rewrite) dah, flew!!! you (dot, dot, dot)

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  21. Panty, panty, panty party! Love the article, and thanks for somehow convincing me that someday I should try splurging on some shee-shee-pantees. For now I am loving Ross dress for less, because they have lots of fun varieties of colours and patterns for 3 or 4 bucks each. I particularly enjoy the Honey Dew brand boyshorts. Thongs are okay, if it's a strip of fabric up the back and not a string... but boyshorts are best. Under-where?

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  22. Haaaa... you're "under-where?" and eyefleyes "smartypants" clever burner chicks ya r!

    and Jelly...lets not forget...pantie masks for burning man....

    and I feel like I can do another who article on new relationship panties! lets face it, the only time we invest real time and money in panties is when we want a NEW man to take them off! (wait, is this just in my world??)

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  23. shanny....reminds me of a story about "panties" i used to have a name for the cute little frilly girly typesthat were more more show (lets face it,Mom always said to have clean & cute panties on) including thongs.....they are called "rather bees" they would rather be up your ass than where theyre supposed to be......most of the time id like my but to be covered thank you...and Hanes makes a good "boyshort" type

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  24. however years ago Victorias Secret carrid a lign that were like a second skin...no panty lines comfty etc but they were like 3 pair for $50 and that was alot of $$$ back then....then they discontiued them havent been able to find anything close to them sine.but hanes (for the $$)theyre ok i guess

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  25. great story Shannon. Wonder what kind of panties the "underwear" bomber was wearing. His rode up in a different kind of way.

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  26. Thank YOU Worldmed for the commenting and reading.

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  27. do you know Kelsey Timmerman, the author of Where Am I Wearing? He's basically a global underwear inspector (well, he also covers other clothing!). you two seem to have overlapping interests...

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  28. Ha! No I don't know Kelsey. Sounds like I should. Thanks for reading and commenting Moonrat.

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  29. I'll admit, Shannon, you had me on the edge of my seat with this one....loved it. You mean Thongs aren't comfortable? lol. Did you write this especially for Sam and Me? I think you did.....

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  30. Hey Chris!
    I tell you, Sam did NOT cross my mind. I see Sam as a man who wears as little as possible. I wasn't even sure he owned undergarments :)
    Truth is my recent Hanes purchased generated all sorts of inner dialogue on underpants. And I didn't even touch on the subject of "Love You, Look at My New Panties"

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  31. Hey, does Miss Pegged have a favorite brand? She likes to show hers off so much.

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  32. Good Question Sam! I'll ask her, tomorrow at during normal business hours. :) (please tell me the Olympics are over)

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  33. Yes, we now resume our regularly scheduled porn. Pay special attention to the panties. There will be a quiz, later.

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  34. Monkey, I laughed out loud. But one of the funniest lines I am hoping was unintentional. When you wrote; “When I hold them up, I can’t believe they once caressed both my legs and my waste.” I am hoping you meant waist not waste. The word gives a whole new and graphically unsettling meaning to the sentence. Or were you referring to an instance of gross incontinence? With love always, Ponder.

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  35. Okay, now you have corrected your spelling and it is less funny. I favor the scatological reference. I liked the image of underwear that touched your waste.(I am still smiling).

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  36. Oh, oh, just one more word... Depends.

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  37. PONDER...

    so great to hear from you! and yep, yep, I'm hysterical!waste/waist...oh so monkey me!!!

    of course...all of this would make soooo much more sense if only, we were under the giant parachute.

    monkey, ponder, butter, honey, brownies .....oh my!!!

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  38. I went through this too! Only I'm in my mid twenties with a baby and decided I'd rather be able to chase him all day and not bother with uncomfortable panties. I have a few thongs, in case I need them for an outfit but I'm a Hanes cotton stretch boy shorts gal. I too was turned off by the price and buying in bulk (a 3 pack) BUT I love them!

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!!

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  39. I can't believe I am reading this just now - it is hysterical! And the comments are great also! I am also surprised by $60 panties. Me? I wear different kinds, depending on my outfit. But I like the silky Vicki's Secret ones that don't show panty lines.

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  40. Hysterical! But $60 panties?? WOW!

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  41. My wife doesn't shop at Victoria's because they don't sell flannel with feet on them.

    The L'eggs quit becoming popular when girls in hot pants quit stocking the merchandising trees.

    Men have a special relationship with their underwear. I still wear the ones I had on my wedding night twenty five years ago.

    Oh no! You probably don't think I'm classy any more.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

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greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison