Wednesday, May 19, 2010

About Me, Honestly

I'm disappointed in myself today.  I continue to wander away from my writing.  I'm so fucking competitive and needy.... needy of your approval.  Needy of your comments and your praise.  I have to stop bullshiting and just, fucking, write.

I feel like swearing today.  I don't care what you think about that.  I'm angry.  This is what I do when I'm angry and its better than fixing a drink or kicking the dog or cheating on my husband or shopping or eating obsessively.

I've been prostituting myself (again).  Joining sites, commenting, in hopes that they'll follow me.  I feel dirty today.'ve guessed it....I'm emotional.  Kerry's death anniversary is hitting me hard this year. I can't tell you why, it just is.  And thats okay.

He'd be disappointed if he knew how far I've strayed (he knows).  I'm sorry Kerry.  From now until the 27th (see, I'm trying to be realistic) I promise to write from a deep place...write as though no one is reading...   I love you Sparky, I know you're here but I miss you TERRIBLY....

"Self Portrait" by Kerry Magann

I started my day trying to redefine myself.  I wanted to update my "About Me" so that it showed a more honest me.  If you've been here before, you'd probably never read it, so I'm making it today's post.


About Me, Honestly...  written a week before the 8th anniversary of my son's death.

I am having a difficult time defining myself - even at 50, and after intense therapy.

Writing is something I kept hidden until I read Kerry's eulogy to a half filled church.  

I was so angry that day. 

WHAT, you couldn't take time off from your busy fucking schedules to come to my son's funeral!  FUCK YOU!!!  FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!   

What I wrote for Kerry was my truth, in that moment - honest, heart wrenching, frantic.  

And so, with that said...

My name is Shannon E. Kennedy.  Without the "E" its hard to say.

I am married to an extremely patient man.  I worry about him dying.  Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night to check his pulse.  I don't want him to leave me.  I need him.

I have a seriously beautiful daughter with a fierce, forgiving, nurturing, spirit.  I'm trying really hard NOT to worry about her.  Each night before I go to bed and first thing each morning, I surround her with glowing, healing light.  I visualize her healthy, happy, whole and thriving.  

My son, Kerry, guides me from an all knowing place.  His death teaches me how to live.

My loyal companions - Kittay and Miss Lucy, support me (emotionally, neither of them has ever had a job) through the warmth and depth of their eyes.  

I live in Greenwich, Connecticut because my father is here. His approval, love and attention has always been important to me.  When I'm near him, I feel safe. 

I want to write a book and yet, I don't read books.  I'd like to.  I'd love to say, "Oh, did you read THAT...wasn't it WONDERFUL...isn't she BRILLIANT..." but I can't seem to focus long enough to finish most.  

I haven't given up.  I'm currently reading Galway Bay, by Mary Pat Kelly.  I've been reading it for 6 months.  It's a LARGE historical novel.  It's wonderfully written and easy for me to follow - but whenever I'm reading it I walk away feeling small. 

I honestly don't know if I'll ever finish this book of mine - especially since I have no FUCKING idea how to write a book.  I'm damn good at eulogies, and letters to close friends, and I've been pretty proud of some of my blog posts - but I have no FUCKING idea how to write a book.  

Don't suggest I read a book on it (that would be silly).  Yes, I've attended workshops and lectures, and classes...I've talked to writers, I've listened, but I still don't get it.  

I haven't given up.  I recently started watching a VLOG about writing - short snippets of information -perhaps that will help. 

Alright, thats enough purging for one morning.  Besides, I'm bored with tears.  Please don't feel sorry for me.  I am not a victim.  I am a mother, wife, friend, writer... [following] my a true, authentic, path. 

Time to focus on that book of mine.  


in an effort to find an opening image - I typed "HONEST" in a "google image search" and this is what appeared...

Kerry (Mr. ALL about 27) hated the cowboys, he was a HUGE Redskins fan.  

Proof, to me, that he supports my growth, daily.  

(hey, thats body paint - incase you didn't notice)

Green Monkey Tales © 2010 Shannon E. Kennedy
Images courtesy of Google Image

for reading and commenting


  1. Ya know what? It's ok to be angry, it's ok to sometimes curse, hell, I do. It's ok to be YOU.

    I am insecure and quite neurotic at times, and I realize it's ok, I am ME.

    And I don't know how to write a book either, have had a lot of starts, but it's the middle and end that well, never get done.

    I lose focus often. It's ok, I am just me.

    And followers, hell yeah, nothing wrong with that, but I learned a long time ago to just write whatever comes in my head, and to hell with those who don't approve.

  2. I love the honesty. Maybe you should write a book of letters?!?!?! Ohh, I just got a plethora of ideas...I hope you did too.

  3. Tears are streaming down my face...The worst kinda pain I can imagine is the death of a child. I can barely stand to think about it. You are the strongest kind of woman. You've earned the right to curse, scream, pull hair, and kick the dog!

    To read a book, get out of your own head for awhile! It's an awesome escape from reality. If you figure out how to write one, let me know!

    I will be thinking of, and worrying about you. Hang tough...Hugs...

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. call me silly but I love that "Sweet Angel" took the time, maybe even butt in line, to comment. The mother in me knows this is another sign.

    To all of you who have lost someone you love (pets count!) - if you keep your heart and eyes open, they are EVERYWHERE.

    Angie - you are so sweet. I will say strong (promise)..thats part of who I am and YOU are a natural born nurturer :)

    Jennee - hmmmmm, ohhhh, wow, now THAT makes sense to me :)

  6. There's nothing I can say that will help, but I'm offering my thoughts and my hugs. You have the right to feel EVERY feeling you have right now. Kick and scream and cry. It's okay.

  7. the other picture that came up under "honesty" was a plunger.

    eventually, I decided on the mask.

    I just finished trying that "cowboy" pose..even with both hands up, my breasts are NOT like that... perhaps some body paint...

    see, I'm okay, my humor is intact.

    Mercurial - promise me you'll read me and I promise not to cry. (((hug))) to you!

  8. I love to read your blogs. I love that you say fuck, and how honest you are. You make me laugh, and I've needed that a lot lately.

    I haven't lost a child, and can only imagine the pain. My husband lost both his parents by the time he was 15 and to this day, on their birthdays, he goes through a bad depression.

    I'm not going to tell you to write a book. As long as you keep blogging I will be extremely happy.

  9. I'm so glad I make you laugh Dazee! I've always enjoyed making people laugh and I'm not always certain if I "read funny"...

    to lose both parents at 15 is very hard. Death is hard.

    its about to storm here. I'm still in my jammies. I think I'll allow myself to say here...all day and read some are, after all, part of my family

  10. I have read that to be a truly great writer you have to be a little bit fucked up...guess you got that.

  11. I've only read a couple of your posts, but when I do, I feel insecure about my writing ability! You're fucking brilliant!

    I don't think I could tackle a book, but I love to write blogs. Maybe if you change your concept of what you want your book to be like, you'll be able to write your book. Be unconventional!

  12. HA!!! well said Michelle... :)))))

  13. Thank you Cheryl, but I'm not even sure what THAT means (it does sound good though) Thank you! and I do like your site and your writing...I do, I do, I do (that was me, being the cowardly lion)

  14. again, i think you are an ideal candidate for a tattoo. one that will honor kerry. one inked into your skin, always there as a positive reminder of his fire, his spirit, his being! your son.


  15. always a joy to read

    btw we stole stuff

  16. This was such an interesting post, it's great that you are so open with you readers, willing to let your emotions known.

    I often have the same feeling too - like I should stop worrying about commenters and followers and start focusing on content. I guess it comes with experience.

  17. joyfully unhinged.... transformation sure feels frightening and powerful sometimes. So glad that I am somehow still supported in this wacky world. I miss you and wish to be in playa world immediately.

  18. Jelly - piko says we have to wait 3 months and bla, bla days.... IT'S BULLSHIT I TELL YOU. what if we just showed up claiming to be part of DPW???

    Girls - I love that you're KLEPTO'S

    Sam - thank you :) really, do you think we'll relax in time? I hope so!

  19. My dad died when I was eight. I began my life as a survivor that day. Through all the tragedies and hardships over the years, I've always found a way to survive. I think you have, too. On occassion I get angry, too, but I rarely show it, publicly. You getting it out and then moving past it is probably a better way. Over time, it usually fades.

    People react to and are shaped from tragedies in different ways. For me, I became one who lives life for the day or the week. Long-term planning for me is where to go on vacation in six months. Planning and saving for retirement has no meaning to me because life can take that from me in an hour from now, or next month. I embrace family and friends in the present. That's what matters.

    Now, if you need any help with applying that body paint, just let me know. ;-)

  20. Okay question... how is body paint on a model "honest"?

    Everyone is allowed to feel pissed off at times like this. If you didn't you wouldn't be human.

    New to your blog, came from WOW.

  21. Great and funny post. If you mean it about the reading...

    Just a suggestion - to read a book, why not try going to the book store and read the first page or two of lots of books - not necessarily the ones you think you'd like and don't look for "well written" look for what you just HAVE to read the next page of... and the next... and the next?

    THEN you might just find what you're looking for and didn't know it...

    Like I said - just a thought! :)

    To write a whole book - it sounds pompous, but just DO it and keep on doing it till it's done (then the hard part starts - editing - ugh!!)

  22. you know, I don't know how that happened Domestic... I think I typed in "honestly" by mistake... I'd have to read the article...let me see if I can make it happen again.

    okay, I've got your answer: here is the link. its part of a blog.

  23. AF, its much deeper than that. The last book I devoured was Lovely Bones, but I wasn't writing then, I was simply wallowing in self pity and obsessed with death. I've read 3 of Obama's books because they motivate me. I've read lots of books on suicide and depression, etc. But to relax with a book is very hard for me... its a personality abnormality I believe, mixed with focusing issues. I just tried to read Netherlands, hated it. Also The Golden Notebook - fell asleep. Could NOT get into Eat, Pray, Love, or any of the Steig Larsson books or that apple holding book....hmm..oh, yes, Twilight. Don't like vampires, or any of the scifi stuff. I read a book about Coco Chanel that I loved..I guess I like nonfiction. which is what I'm trying to write. this is just me, trying my best to be honest, with YOU and myself. HELL, I'm not pretending I'm perfect here....

  24. Thanks for sharing Sam. For someone I've never met, I feel like I'm starting to get to know you.

    Sam, is Mr. Cooked's (aka the husbands) college roommate and great friend but he didn't come to our wedding (bastard) and we have yet to meet.

    the OTHER Sam is brilliant at 15 - unless I read that wrong (I'm dyslectic, maybe he's 51) I read him but I'm too intimidated to comment. He writes great magpie, among other things.

  25. This is such a poignant post. I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. I get so angry over the loss of my sister sometimes--it's almost all consuming. I think you just have to submit to it; let yourself feel it and go through it. You'll come out the other side--survivors always do!

    I also fear that my husband will die, and I almost have panic attacks trying to imagine what I'd do without him. Sometimes I swear he's the only reason I have survived and that I'm here today, seemingly in one piece. I also fear something happening to my sister's son. He's our last little piece of her, and I don't even want to imagine the devastation of losing him too. It's just inconceivable.

    I can't comprehend what is "honest" about that picture. The internet can lead us in strange directions, can't it?

  26. Know this. . . you are loved if you write a book, and you are loved if you don't write a book.

  27. Sugar Bear. First of all, you go right ahead and ride the roller coaster that you are sure to be on until at least the 27th. Normally, I don't encourage cussing, but in this case, you have my blessing--Betty's Blessing, which she does not give freely.

    I used to be absolutely tormented by my writing. I wanted to write, but when I did I would freak out because what if I did it and it was bad, then where would my dream have gone? So I didn't write and then I suffered. Oh, it's a vicious circle. Hideous.

    I am happy writing my blog posts now and have no need to write "The Big One" but if the opportunity came along--OK. You of all people know that life is just going to play itself out. It's going to be ugly sometimes and it's going to be beautiful too. I am rambling now, but I guess what I want to say is don't focus on your writing so much. It will come when you are ready.

  28. I opened the laptop, refreshed the site, and there they were.....


    this is particularly interesting because when I went to sleep last night, the internet ate my last two comments. They posted and then disappeared. POOOOF Domestic can attest to this, so no...I did not imagine it.

    I looked at the cable boxes digital clock


    The sun is strong today, yesterday it was overcast and gray...all day.

    I feel refreshed.

    you each played an important part in that. honestly

    Elle - I can not tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your fears with me (us), I'm not the only one who worries about losing loved ones. Interestingly, I don't worry about Jackson because Kerry mentioned in his last note that he KNEW Jackson would be fine.

    Oh Bossy, I hope I never said bad words in my comments to you. Thanks for telling me, I'll behave when I'm on your page...I promise :)

    Jack..... :) I am pretty sure I'll be disappointed in myself if I don't do this book. I've been talking about it since I was 14. But, I could always self publish a book of all my posts. :) right Jennee :)

  29. I have read thousands of books, including many written on “how to write a book.” I still don’t have a fucking clue on how to write a book. I have a hard time finishing the dishes.

    Sharing your grief with the world touches every person who has the privilege to read it. Your courage to get out of bed and not be shit faced drunk by noon every day, keeps me going on days I’d rather just lay back down.

    I love you Monkey Girl, sending some golden healing light to you., Pinky

  30. At lest your comments came in... mine are still missing on my blog. I rebooted and still nothing.

    Writing is a hard thing to do. But as someone on here already said in the comments, editing is the hardest part. If you have an editor you are golden.

  31. My sister-in-law lost her daughter only 4 days after she was born. She could not sleep at night because of her grief and did not want to call upon her friends and family in the middle of the night. Her terrible loss happened before the internet came into existence so she could not just go on line and blog or chat with others about her grief. She somehow discovered a wonderful organization called "Silent Unity". They offer 24/7 prayer lines that anyone can call. You do not have to be religious and it is not just for prayer. She called them every night at all hours to talk about her grief. She met others on the line who shared her experience and others who just offered a kind word. Whenever I a feeling down she reminds me to call them or go on line (Yes, they have a website now!)
    I hope this offered you a little bit of help. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  32. Shannon, you have every right to feel what you are feeling..I lost my first child before I even got to know them, I know it is not the same but a loss is a loss, My heart goes out to you sweetie! Allow yourself to feel, scream, curse...hope!

    Shannon @Faith, Hope and Love

  33. Oh by the way I tagged you on my blog post today!

  34. Wow! What a powerful and honest post. I popped over from Shannon's blog to say hello. I'm always happy to meet a new Shannon. LOL! :-)

  35. The Shannon's are out in full force!

    All lose is painful... The one thing I try to remember is that children are not ours to own, they are a gift but they have their own soul, lives and destiny.

    Brooklyn - what an excellent resource. Thank you. It's so important to have someone to talk to. Shortly after my son passed I met a mother in a grief support group who lost her son to suicide 3 weeks earlier. We pulled each other through the first year and we have remained close friends. Your sister must have felt incredibly isolated - how sad. I trust she is doing well now?

    Pinky :) that was HYSTERICAL! I'll help you with your dishes (ya, right, me, the woman who doesn't know how to work the dish washer)

    It's the end of a beautiful day. I spent some time at the nursery today (buying deck flowers for the summer to spring transformation) - flowers make me happy. Mr. Cooked just returned home from a long day in the city and changed into a KILT.... :) I'll be sure to post a picture.... Cheers and Monkey Love, ME

  36. Tasty Mark meat all dressed up in a Kilt, just add a splash of tabasco and you have dessert!

  37. You know how much i admire and adore you!!! you are an awesome writer, dont give up I love reading your feed my soul...when i think im having a bad day ..I think of you and say WTF ??? am i wining about (pun intended) Much luv and lite to you and the Mr... Its funny tho...I have a bunch of flowers i bought a week ago and havent even planted them and you know thats not me ...I as you .. adore flowers but today just wasnt the day I luv u Shan my little green monkey XOXO Cat

  38. new here - I think writing a book would be such a complete accomplishment but I don't have any plans at the moment. My sister's husband wrote a non-fiction book. I'll only read a little bit of it - put it down - it sucked. I read in your comment that you like non-fiction, so do I and so do many people. The Devil and the White City was a good one. Right now I'm reading the Poisoner's Handbook (don't read too fast I thought it read Prisoner's)
    all the best

  39. CAT...I was thinking about you today! looking at that little green monkey you gave me with the red heart :) (((((love))))) so much (((((love)))) to you

    lisleman :) I like the sound of "The Devil and the White City" your comment about your brother-in-laws book made me laugh! I love the honesty in that.

    Pinky - what a great idea!

  40. found you on SITS...
    Thanks for stopping by my blog... I came by yesterday but had to stop and take some time to process your story before I could post...
    My brother died in an accident at age 22- nearly 30 years ago now, but for my mother it is like yesterday... I cannot know your pain, but I can understand it and hope that you continue to find yourself as you move thru it.

  41. I think you're right to rage once it awhile and it's definitely okay to feel what you're feeling. I love the fact that you're able to share yourself so openly here. Every time I come here, I am incredibly moved by you. If you finish your book, I'm definitely eager to read it!

  42. Very honest post...Maybe you need to take a sabbatical and come see a beautiful place like my Ireland, and then you will be truly inspired to write....In addition, you get a great holiday, meet new people, and have a blast.
    I love to paint and write, so this is coming from someone who knows.

  43. You have no shortage of fans. After I read this (found you through Rebecca) I went back and read the posts regarding your son. You are a gutsy mom and have the ability to convey your feelings in a very strong, yet beautiful way. Reading the suicide note said so much about Ryan...he sounded like such a good man. When I put myself in your shoes my stomach aches.

  44. I can't imagine the depth of your loss.

    I'm stopping by to welcome you to SITS.

  45. ohhhh MICKI, I have goose bumps~ what a GREAT idea. This is ANOTHER sign.

    I've only been to Ireland once. I flew from Kennedy to Shannon and on return...Shannon to Kennedy. I did my best to snag a free ticket, or a drink since my name is Shannon Kennedy :)

    Kerry wrote that he wants his ashes tossed from the Cliffs of Moher so its definitely on my list.

    I've done writing workshops in Paris - Ireland should be next :) and the exchange rate is certainly improving! Thank you for the suggestion.

    Also, thank you Lori, Dawn, Mimi, Emily.... :) things are beginning to shift. I spent most of yesterday in a short story that is meant to be light and somewhat humorous... Today, I'm going to dig in the dirt - this always helps. Knowing this new found blogging community of friends is out there has made a HUGE difference. when I first started, non of you felt real, as I get to know each of you I feel grateful and inspired and comforted and entertained!

    Hope you enjoy every moment of your day and I will try my best to do the same :)

    Monkey LOVE and LAUGHTER, ME

  46. Thank you for stopping by my blog. Serendipity indeed. I'm so happy for the words you left. It definitely gives me a different perspective on what I do. I'm sorry about your loss. There is no set time for the healing of wounds. I completely understand the anger and hurt of loss. Keep writing from the heart.

  47. Jesus Christ my son is on a plane now and I am tracking the damn plane on flight tracker until that sucker lands. I am so damn scared. How could I every understand your pain?

    Cuss and swear all you want.

    I love the book of letters idea not only because I thought of it too but I think through that medium you'd be super honest.

  48. You've been given a Beautiful Blogger award! Check out my site!

  49. Good for you for being authentic and open! That's the only way to be (at least in my eyes). I hope you start to feel better. I know things can be tough, especially around these kinds of anniversaries, and that's okay. Be angry, be sad, be happy. Be you!

  50. Thank you Holly! I am convinced the reason I was able to move through this is because of everyone's support. me writing, you reading and made me feel...validated.

    I planted flowers yesterday, we're on the deck. Its warm and sunny when the mornings forecast said cool and rainy. I was able to focus on what I feel grateful for....mostly, LOVE

    Ms. Understood... we're going to be grand friends :)

    CHERYL D... :) how lovely!

    DEE...lets see where this takes me. Thank you for reaching out!


Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Shannon E. Kennedy


Photo by Joan Harrison