Friday, May 24, 2013

Wrecked Tail



"The Jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be... 
because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap" Maryanne Hershey


After 3 years and 367 posts, THIS is the moment where you start to doubt me - where you question if all the pain I've professed has been nothing but pure fiction. 

On Monday, May 20th - 8 days after Mother's Day, 7 days before the anniversary of my son's death, and 18 days before my 54th birthday - I went for a routine colonoscopy and was told I have cancer.

I am in shock.

I asked the gastroenterologist if we should wait until the biopsy results came back. She told me the tumor is large and it's "advanced" and that if it was in a better spot (as if there is a good place to have cancer) I'd already be in the operating room.

I was going to hold off telling you but I need your help. Please send me light and love and positive energy. 

I am having a test on Wednesday that will determine the stage of the cancer. We need it to be STAGE I.  The lymph nodes, liver, lungs, kidneys and ovaries should not get involvement in this wild ruckus. We need these confused, out of control cancer cells to CALM THE FUCK DOWN! 

I have rectal cancer but we monkeys call it "wrecked-tail" cancer. I have no idea how my tail got wrecked. So far, no one does. 

I put off having my colonoscopy at 50 because I hated the idea of drinking that ill-tasting concoction and hovering over a toilet for 24 hours. I hated the idea of someone shoving something up my ass while I slept. But let me tell you, that was a walk in the park compared to what I've experience these past 4 days and what my immediate future holds. 

I'm trying to get all the doctors to agree on my treatment but ultimately the decision will be mine.

My choices are radiation and chemo prior to surgery or surgery first and then chemo and radiation. If we can keep it at STAGE I, I will only need surgery. We need to keep it at STAGE I. 

The surgeon will need to remove my entire wrecked-tail and part of my colon. I will have a colostomy bag for 2 or 3 months and then there will be another big surgery to reattach and build new body parts. My surgeon is 90% certain I will walk away not needing a permanent colostomy bag IF I do not have radiation first. My oncologist believes I have a better chance of living if they do the radiation and chemo first.

Tough choices, right?

My main focus right now is (((LOVE))). Please surround me in love - rich, rapturous, radiant love. A LOVE that transcends. A LOVE that heals. A LOVE that is eternal.


Love and Light, MOnkeyME



There are four questions of value in life...
What is sacred? 
What is the spirit made of?
What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? 
The answer to each is the same.
Only love.

Johnny Depp




Monkey Me sketch by Lars

73 comments:

  1. Much love coming your way.

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  2. I am sad. I will turn that around and send you lots of love for healing, but it will take me a moment to shake off this feeling. Sometimes a monkey has to endure more than her share of bad stuff, and this is just enough. More than enough.
    Okay, now I am shaking off my own feelings and focusing my energy on sending you love love love. And more love. Doctors can do amazing work and they will do that for you.

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    1. THANK YOU DENISE! ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  3. Miss Shannon- Where most of us weak people find fear you always find light and humor. The light has and always will be all around you wrecked tail and all.

    xoxo
    Miss Claudia

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    1. thank you Miss Claudia! ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  4. Monkey Gurl love arriving in person at 7:30pm. Tonight. Get ready to be hugged. Really hard.

    I love you.

    xoxoxoxox

    MG

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    1. you are here, I see you...

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  5. I was just sitting here thinking and I remembered your hug that you had recently from your boy. He knew, and he is sending you all his love to you to help get you through this time. That is so so very special. I'm sure you already thought of that, but it just crossed my mind while I was getting ready for my day:-)

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    1. EXACTLY!!! soooooo love that you picked up on that Denise!

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  6. I cried some last night and then I fell into one of your vivid dreams. I remember thinking a couple of times that it was your dream, because I don't usually have dreams like this. We were sitting in large black inner tubes, next to each other, floating. The sun was just starting to set in the west over a mountain. The sky was golden. The water was gently rocking us back and forth, and we were quietly enjoying the peaceful evening in silence.
    I woke up thinking this is how I will visualize your healing; we are floating in a golden peaceful place, surrounded by beauty, drinking wine. Ok, I added the drinking wine part, because it seems more realistic that we would be drinking wine while floating on our inner tubes.
    I love you and will be focusing on stage 1 or less than stage 1.
    Inky

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    1. oh my monkey I LOVE THAT!!!! I am listening to this visualization/relaxation /healing tape and I always have to go to my "healing place".... and I swear to you, I couldn't come up with one. It's like you KNEW on a spiritual level. Also interesting about this is that the "bubbly blue water and divine sunlight was in my mother's day dream from kerry so I know the light and the water is healing. THANK YOU INKY!!!

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  7. I'm sending you tons of love, envisioning your good health and good humor.

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    1. THANK YOU MYRNA! ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  8. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3MONKEY<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
    Shannon, I want to say so much that all of the words are piled on top of each other. I'll get them straightened out, and then say them.
    Jesse

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    1. we are so lucky to have each other Jesse!
      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  9. Bad news indeed, but do not lose hope. Sending white light your way and best wishes always. I had colon surgery 3 years ago and had a foot-and-a-half of intestine removed along with the Mother of All Polyps that was threatening to become a blockage. Didn't need chemo, radiation or the bag so I have experienced only a bit of what you will go through. But take heart and be strong! You can beat this.

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    1. hope.... i will add that to my list. thank you Debra! I have so much to learn. I am so glad you are healed !!!

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  10. Love. Love. Only love is real.

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I've got my fingers crossed tight and am wishing you stage one.

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    1. thank you Catherine!

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  12. Love, love, love coming your way, Shannon. Wishing you courage, calm, and occasional crazy as needed.

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    1. oh I love that! thank you Blissed!

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  13. Shanno,

    I am sending you love. Feel it??

    Love Sue

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    1. oh I sure do Sue!!!! xoxoxo

      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  14. Love and Lots of prayers coming your way!! I know if anyone could deal with this its YOU! You are a true fighter! Keeping fighting Shannon!

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    1. thank you. i will give it my best monkey shot! ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  15. What. The. Fuck?

    Okay now that that's out of the way...

    Nothing but love darlin' and big squishy hugs.

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    1. WHAT THE FUCK is right! thank you Juli!
      ((((((((LOVE))))))))

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  16. If your life was a TV series, I'd call foul. I'd say, "This much stuff doesn't happen to one person in real life."

    As it stands, though, all I can do is send good vibes your way...

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    1. ((((((((LOVE)))))))) thank you Katy!

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  17. You have jumped the shark Downtown Abbey! But seriously, and the rest of this is serious - you are amazing to share in the face of such harsh challenges. I am just an introvert who rages through the worst from a hidey hole. I am sending love, light, healing energy and mojo's of mojo to add to all that already emanates through your posts. I'll look forward to reading about you wrecked tail reconstruction and hope it isn't necessary to spin a new one.

    Many hugs, Amy

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    1. Amy, Thank you for the extra dose of mojo mixed with love!

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  18. I knew you wouldn't let me down. I feel your love. please keep me in the light. i will let you know how the test goes on Wednesday - when they'll tell me the stage. It will probably be late Wednesday afternoon - the procedure is scheduled to begin at 3:00.

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  19. xoxoxoxxo LOVE xoxooxo LOVE XOXOOXX love xoxoxoxoxo LOVE XOXOXOXXO love xoxoxoxooo LOVE XOOXOXX lickies from Luna,Monkey and Swee'Pea xoxoxoxo LOVE oxoxoxxoxox LOVE XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXXXO LOVE, ad infinitum.
    Minkey,you have been on my mind since I read this. I am replacing the color Green, the word Monkey, and every thought and image and memory of you into pure loving energy...a stream of love has been floating towards you and flowing freely with peace, light, and most of all LOVE. Go out on your balcony. Turn yourself and face west. Look up. Close your eyes, Breathe It In.........let it infuse you. Every cell, every pore, every hair, every molecule. You are saturated in PURE LOVE.
    I love you! xoxoxoxoxoxoo
    Love, DB

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    1. DB, I did exactly that... went to the balcony, turned west and breathed you in! I also went to the top of the waterfall and received shooters blessings. It's so powerful. xoxoxo

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  20. Shannon, I am sitting here In. Complete. Shock. WTF? I am so, so, SO sorry to hear this my friend. I have been out of town and away from bloggy things for the past couple of weeks, and before bed tonight I thought I'd catch up on a few blogs and saw you had posted recently and thought... Mmmmm, haven't heard much from Shannon lately, wonder what's up in Monkeyland?

    And so I am sending you huge hunks of love, and calm, and peaceful moments in the midst of the absolute horror of The Waiting Game. This unknown part, as you well know, is the worst. It SUCKS. I cannot believe you are dealing with another cancer diagnosis. It is So, so, so, so, so not fair.

    I am going now to blog about you and send some of my loving readers your way. Hang in there my friend. You are awesome and amazing and I will hold you in my heart.
    xoxo

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    1. it is shocking, isn't it. and none of it makes sense, at least not to me. all we BC girls have an increased risk of all other sorts of cancer but if I look at the lifestyle choices that cause wrecked-tail cancer, none of it fits. that plus no family history. Thank you so much for pushing the love forward on your blog! xoxo

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  21. dear shannon,

    i am new to your blog, enchanted by your writing, touched to the core of my being with all you have experienced. i felt compelled to come back and read this latest post. i just lost my husband who had multiple myeloma. while he was recovering from his last stem cell transplant i was dx'd with st IV met breast cancer. we both acheived remission at the same time - we were lucky. but even before cancer came calling for us both we lived a life of the most brilliantly lit light of love, even more brilliant after we entered our dual struggles to live. that love is now my compass to find my way through the loss of my beloved. the great thing about love is that when it is shared, it becomes even more powerful, and it will never die. i will share it with you, this wise, beautifully seasoned, joyful, and nourishing love that fell upon our shoulders like a golden mantle and took us both to a place of big hope and the joy and gratitude of life lived fully and well at all times, and has been the stunningly shining and deeply flowing river that has and still is coursing through us with no end, no death to extinguish it. take it into your heart, your mind and your soul and feel it making it's way through the universe, to you, dear shannon, to help you whenever you need and want it.

    with that LOVE, XOXO

    karen, TC

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    1. thank you Karen! knowing my words and experiences touch people is a beautiful reminder that WE are all ONE. ONE LOVE....

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  22. I am meeting you via Renn. I uplift you in love and prayer, surround you with light (within and without). I hold you close in heart and mind and will follow along on your journey.

    from Holly in LA

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    1. Hi Holly! Thank you so much for visiting and for your prayers and love and light! I feel it. Truly I do.
      Shannon

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  23. Prayers, good thoughts, good energy and lots of LOVE being sent to you from The ATL (Atlanta)xxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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    1. :))))))))))))))))))) breathing it in!

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  24. You are on the top of the "super powerful good thoughts for well-being and strength and more" list...

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  25. Sending love, clarity and healing thoughts! ~ Kate Has Cancer

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    1. Thank you Jim and Kate. And .... I appreciate the extra dose of clarity. nice garnish indeed!

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  26. Shannon - I don't read blogs, but I've always enjoyed reading your posts on BCO. When women step away from that site for a while I always hope that means they are moving on with life, moving on to good things and closer to "normal". When I caught your BCO post to Renn this morning my heart was saddened. Please know that you do have lots of people sending good thoughts and positive energy and love your way. Life is quite a ride...

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    1. what a ride indeed! Thank you Tina ~

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  27. Replies
    1. yes.... I know and I know you know I know. and I know you know as well.... xoxo

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  28. I will pray for you. I will. And I am. Endure lady.
    Kim

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  29. Sending you so much love, healing love, healing thoughts, and don't forget the hugs. Be well, dear Monkey, be well...

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    1. THANK YOU EILEEN!!! I soooo appreciate it!

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  30. oh Shannon, I am so sad to read this terrible news! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday~ You are a vibrant and strong woman and will beat this as you have survived so many life hurdles. Stay strong and always positive~ Love ~LOVE~ LOVE <3

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    1. Thanks Barb! I really appreciate the love!

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  31. You write so well~amazing

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    1. it's the only complement I'm good at receiving. I'm glad you think so!

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  32. Sending positive thoughts and lotsa ((((((((love)))))))) and energy to you, Shannon.

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    1. ahhhh Sharon! thank you!!!!! ((((((((((feeling it)))))))))

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  33. Sending love and light your way...
    By the way, love the picture of you on the bed. :o)

    JDC

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    1. Joan took it. She's so talented. It was taken pre cancer, when life was simple.... I so appreciate your love and support! xoxo

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  34. I read this blog on the day u posted. I have been waiting for the right words to come to my mind and soul that I could express to u. Ones that would ease ur pain and ones that help us understand why so many things seem to be on ur shoulders and within such a short period of time. Today u get ur results back. I am praying that they are results that can be worked with and fought for. U are on my mind and have been for several days. U are very much loved. U are very open with ur love and understanding of others. I hope we can return this love to u especially in the days and months ahead. Will be waiting to hear about the results.

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  35. Shannon, I was SURE I'd left a comment here for you, but then remembered I e-mailed you instead. (I hope you rec'd it.) Now, I'm going to read your newest post. Hugs and love...

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  36. Headed right over here after I read Renn's post. I'm sorry about what you are facing. It totally sucks. I hope things went well on Wednesday. Sending lots of supportive thoughts your way. I won't say stay positive and all that, not that you should or shouldn't. I will instead say, feel however you need to feel. I think that's always best. Take care. Nice to meet you.

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  37. Sending you love. Lots of love and peace. I hope things went GREAT.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison