Wrecked Tail

"The Jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be... 

because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap" Maryanne Hershey

After 3 years and 367 posts, THIS is the moment where you start to doubt me - where you question if all the pain I've professed has been nothing but pure fiction. 

On Monday, May 20th - 8 days after Mother's Day, 7 days before the anniversary of my son's death, and 18 days before my 54th birthday - I went for a routine colonoscopy and was told I have cancer.

I am in shock.

I asked the gastroenterologist if we should wait until the biopsy results came back. She told me the tumor is large and it's "advanced" and that if it was in a better spot (as if there is a good place to have cancer) I'd already be in the operating room.

I was going to hold off telling you but I need your help. Please send me light and love and positive energy. 

I am having a test on Wednesday that will determine the stage of the cancer. We need it to be STAGE I.  The lymph nodes, liver, lungs, kidneys and ovaries should not get involvement in this wild ruckus. We need these confused, out of control cancer cells to CALM THE FUCK DOWN! 

I have rectal cancer but we monkeys call it "wrecked-tail" cancer. I have no idea how my tail got wrecked. So far, no one does. 

I put off having my colonoscopy at 50 because I hated the idea of drinking that ill-tasting concoction and hovering over a toilet for 24 hours. I hated the idea of someone shoving something up my ass while I slept. But let me tell you, that was a walk in the park compared to what I've experience these past 4 days and what my immediate future holds. 

I'm trying to get all the doctors to agree on my treatment but ultimately the decision will be mine.

My choices are radiation and chemo prior to surgery or surgery first and then chemo and radiation. If we can keep it at STAGE I, I will only need surgery. We need to keep it at STAGE I. 

The surgeon will need to remove my entire wrecked-tail and part of my colon. I will have a colostomy bag for 2 or 3 months and then there will be another big surgery to reattach and build new body parts. My surgeon is 90% certain I will walk away not needing a permanent colostomy bag IF I do not have radiation first. My oncologist believes I have a better chance of living if they do the radiation and chemo first.

Tough choices, right?

My main focus right now is (((LOVE))). Please surround me in love - rich, rapturous, radiant love. A LOVE that transcends. A LOVE that heals. A LOVE that is eternal.

Love and Light, MOnkeyME

There are four questions of value in life...

What is sacred? 

What is the spirit made of?

What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? 

The answer to each is the same.

Only love.

Johnny Depp

Monkey Me sketch by Lars