Saturday, January 4, 2014

Real Men Don't Let Friends Fuck Frogs

"It's the quiet ones that are the most fucked up."

"You can't fix a psychopath."

"Has there ever been a man in your life that hasn't disappointed you?"

These are a few examples of why, after only two months, I dumped my therapist. He is way too profound.

But the main reason I dumped my therapist is because he's a man.

Historically, I go to therapy to entertain because I'm complex and a fucking mess. And, I get a kick out of watching their wide-eyed reaction to the twisted tangles of my life.

But I don't go to therapy to do any actual work. I do that by myself - a restorative, psychological masturbation of sorts.

So I lied to my therapist, told him I wasn't dumping him, that I was simply taking a break so that I could focus on my physical ailments by attending weekly acupuncture sessions.

In essence, it wasn't HIM it was ME. But I wonder if he could see right through me?

Especially difficult to hear this man say were words of praise and admiration with regard to my strength and resilience.

A women could have said that and I'd think, "Yep, that's right bitch, I'm tough as nails!"

But when a man says it... I'm not sure I trust him.

I'm not accustom to a man expressing himself with a concoction of words that, when placed together in a sentence, are insightful and charitable.

I have so many bad choice stories - one disastrous dating debacle after another. One sad sap of a man lied and told me his wife was dead when in reality she was a PR executive for Aerosmith and on tour with the band. Hell, I probably would have fucked him if he had promised me front row tickets.

Another dumped me because I attempted to leave a blow-dryer at his apartment. And another blamed his penile rash on me when it turned out he had masturbated with lemon juice on his hands.

Maybe this should be the premise of my memoir. Call it... Why I Fucked Frogs or Just Say No To Frogs or Caution, Frogs Cause Cancer.

There were so many obvious warning signs when I started dating my husband but instead of focusing on the obvious, I focused on an original piece of art that he owned and hung on a wall in the basement of his mothers home, where he - at the not so tender age of 38 - still lived.

Forget the fact that he slept in a bed that had a wagon wheel for a headboard, this man had an appreciation for the arts and that was enough for me.

How ridiculous is that.

Later, I discovered a darkness about him that was disturbing, dysfunctional and deceitful. But despite all that, I was convinced I could change him.

How ridiculous is that.

The details of his behavior doesn't matter, but what it says about me does.

Clearly, I didn't think I deserved anyone better. My mind told me I wasn't smart enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. And my mind is very powerful. One could argue that this was the poison that fed my cancer.

One thing I know for certain, all we have control over in our life is our thoughts and I am in the process of reprogramming mine.

I asked my husband to leave fifteen days after major surgery and two weeks before starting chemotherapy. I am so fucking proud of myself.

I am not bitter. I am thankful because the loss cracked me wide open. It left a void that I know the universe will fill with an abundance of joy and love.

It doesn't matter that my breasts are gone, that my crap seeps into a pouch, that I have more scars on my body than a convicted felon.

It doesn't matter that I'm old now, that chemo has pushed me into menopause.

It doesn't matter that my skin has lost its elasticity or that my hair has lost its shine.

What does matter is that I have found my SHINE.

But, back to the original question asked of my now, X-therapist ...

"Has there ever been a man in your life that hasn't disappointed you?" 

My original answer was no, and then I burst into tears. But on the way home I realized I was wrong. 

There is Jay, my freakishly tall friend and there is Jesse, my shiny, silver friend. These two men have never disappointed me. True, they are friends not lovers. True, they are closer to my son's age than my own. But they have aligned themselves with me and they are kind, and generous, and truthful, and good. They are supportive, and nurturing, and giving of their time and heart. 

Together, they guide me and remind me of what a real man is - something every woman deserves.



With Love and Gratitude, MonkeyME


  1. Friends are the best. I should stop having girlfriends and just have friends. At least they couldn't cheat or break up with me that way... I feel empowered now. Thanks, Monkey ;-)

  2. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Concise and true (like always....) and insightful.

    But then, that's you!!!



  3. True love is not seeing someone and thinking that some one's perfect. It's seeing them, KNOWING their flaws and darkest secrets, and loving them more. It does not matter how scared, old, or undesirable you may feel, KNOW that there is that someone who will see those things and your SHINE and know they can't live without you.

    My own personal life has been much the same.... making choices for a "boy". The day I made the choice to have my (ex)husband leave when I had no job, $7, and 2 boys under 2 to support, was the first day I realized that I had two men in my life that deserved the BEST of me. It was the day I broke my rosy glasses in half and started talking to the little woman in me who knew better.

    This year is your year darlin.... I can feel it.

    1. you know I don't normally "pimp" myself, but this was today's post...

      Thought you may enjoy it. :) -J

  4. We've all been there . . . learning the hard way not to ignore red flags or jump to unfounded conclusions. Every bad relationships teaches us valuable lessons.

  5. There's a fabulous line from "Perks of a Wallflower:" We accept the love we believe we deserve. Damn, I wish someone had told me that when I was 20. I would have thought a lot more of myself a lot sooner.

  6. "And another blamed his penile rash on me when it turned out he had masturbated with lemon juice on his hands."

    It's a damn good thing he didn't masturbate while eating Cheetos and watching porn... or he would be blaming his rusty-looking pecker on you... just sayin'...

    You have had a tough tough time, dear... and I am confident you will prevail!!!

    By the way... who wants to be a frog fucker??



  7. Friends seem a lot cooler than significant others... Maybe the bad stuff just looks better from a distance. Regardless, people who make one's life better in some capacity should stay in one's life in that capacity...

  8. You've got me for life. Where else would I ever find a Green monkey?
    I'm still saving to come over there. Laughter is the best medicine, and we'll laugh ourselves clean as a whistle!
    I would just jump on a freight train, but I've been asked not to by several people.

  9. dear Shannon,

    whenever you've been in the deepest depths of troubles (and honey, I know there sure have been a shitload of troubles)
    you dig yourself out, and summersault up right to standing - with your arms flung out. damn. amazing.

    to be able to say you are reprogramming your thoughts, are so fucking proud of yourself, and that you have found your
    SHINE just makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. (hysterically happy!)

    next time you see Jessie and Jay, won't you please hug them for me to thank them for being so good to you?

    much love and light to you, Monkey Shannon


  10. I'm glad you thought of your friends Jesse and Jay, and can appreciate them for the good guys they are. That's a gift you've given yourself! With all you are going through, by yourself, it seems likely that you will stick to some very high standards in future relationships. But if you like I'm sure your readers would be happy to screen your dates for you. We'll scare off anybody who's not pure of heart!

  11. I love u Shannon. Love your honesty. Love your guts. Love your willingness to let go of a man that didn't understand and love u. And help me "for letting go before it started" of a man that would bring me more heartache than peace. This blog could not have come at a better time. As I am having to let go of him this very day.


  12. Falling about laughing after reading about the wagon wheel bed and the lemon juice masturbator... wonderful.

  13. Indeed, finding YOUR shine is what matters most. It's nice to know you have a couple of supportive, nurturing and giving 'real' men to hang out with from time to time. Hope the New Year is kind to us all. And good for you for dumping your therapist if he wasn't a good fit. Will you look for another or keep doing the work by yourself?

  14. Thinking of you Green Monkey. Hope chemo isn't keeping your head (or your spirit) down.

  15. SHANNON! Am just catching up with my blog reading. I love this post. I love your SHINE!

  16. Shannon! Your post was thoughtful and funny I'm stealing your title...anytime someone says something (that I think is stupid) I will respond with your words --Real Men Don't Let Friends Fuck Frogs ...that should shut them up for awhile ;)


Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Shannon E. Kennedy


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