Wednesday, August 18, 2010

SPANX My Dear?

With Burning Man less than two weeks away it's a mad rush to complete a host of crazy costume creations and well intentioned playa projects.

Last year I managed to keep everything caged in the "cat room" - a spare, second floor bedroom.  This year the cat put her paws down and insisted that her room be kept clean (minus the clumps of cat hair).

Uncluttered Cat Room

Faux fur, fishnets, boots, bandanas, goggles, gloves, tutus and tails...due to the cat's demands, a calamity of chaos litters the loft ...

all the way down to the living-room.

This corner is reserved for faux fur, animal attire, hats and tutus.

No more formal Sunday dinners - our once dull, drab, dining room table has been transformed!

A line of boots, predetermined zip-locked daywear, and gothic garb.  

Not ALL this is mine you know.  Check out my husbands tiger hat, tail and boot cuffs. 

As hard as it is to imagine, I still have a few stray items that I need to pick up so yesterday - in celebration of Connecticut's "tax exempt week" - I headed to a local department store armed with a 15% Off Total Purchase coupon.

First on my list - a playa staple - black boots.  After 7 years of service, my bad-ass black pleather boots disintegrated and I had high hopes of snagging Fryes.

I was greeted by an overly eager senior sales manager who insisted on calling me "DEAR."  The only person I want to hear call me dear is my mother and my husband.

I am a rare breed of woman who doesn't like to shop.  As a rule, I don't like to be SOLD anything.  I prefer to be left on my own until its time to ring me up but, against my wishes, I was being assisted by TWO sales clerks.

I especially don't need a frumpy, sixty something sales associates opinion on what looked good and what is in style, AND I certainly didn't expect to be insulted when I reached for a studded, knee high, 50% off flat heeled boot and was told I was "too old" for that.

THIS is why I shop online - zero chance of slapping someone!

All I could see was RED.  I tossed the boots aside and, in a pumped up rage, told my sales associate that not only did I not NEED or ASK for her opinion, but that I had an opinion of my own. I then informed her that her over-caked makeup did NOT match her skin tone nor did it compliment the hue of her outdated suit.  (I get mean when I'm mad - not something I'm proud of)

I was half way out of the store when I remembered I still needed power panties.   There was no other way I was going get the snaps closed on my black pleather nurse's costume without SPANX.

The people at Spanx are evil geniuses.  Their latest undergarment is ultra sheer and, according the label, a delight to wear.  So much so, that the "directions" give you 3 options.

Wear 1 to firm...
Wear 2 to support...
Wear 3 to TRANSFORM!

Who in their right mind would wear 3 pairs of panties AND at $42.00 each, thats... (let me get my calculator).... $126.00 dollars for (lets be honest with each other and call it what it is)... a girdle!

Exactly how many panties will it take to close the snaps on my nurse's outfit?
And, how much am I willing to pay?
Where does the extra flesh go?
Am I too OLD for costumes?

I left the department store with nothing but my 15% off coupon, a bad attitude, and a less than perfect opinion of myself.  

photos of Spanx, Fryes and rubber undergarments courtesy of Google image

Green Monkey Tales © 2010 Shannon E. Kennedy


  1. Your Friend FlickaAugust 18, 2010 at 1:19 PM

    Hey, Shannon--

    I am so with you on not liking to shop. That was quite the exit you made from the store. That saleswoman clearly had not idea what Burning Man is all about. Too old for those boots??!! Harumph!

  2. I am so proud of you right now. I would have totally lost it with the bat at the store too. nobody is too old for boots. beotch.

  3. I found myself laughing hysterically at your reponse to the associates! I'm going to remember that the next time I go shopping -- something I rarely do, but now I'll be armed with the humor and feistiness needed to ward off pests.

    Well done -- eh hem -- my 'dear'. ;)

    Peace and serenity,

  4. Well HELLO JO! ohhhh I'm so glad you thought it was funny :)

    Thanks Dazee and Flicka!

  5. haha, im just jealous that you are going to burning man! I think I am too Anyway have a blast!

  6. hi there, you are not alone, I HATE SHOPPING TOO! Online shopping is my thing and can't stand the phrase "If there is anything I can assist you with, my name is Shayla (or any other "classy" name)... I'll be right here breathing on your neck". I love your gutsy response to the freaky assistant - good for you!!

  7. Do you know Jim and Rhonda Bunkleman? Jim is a dear friend that lives for Burning Man lol I haven't met his wife but she looks like she's super into it.

    I have a problem with stupid sales people too. My son tells me I'm horrible so I'm trying to cut down on the cruelty. I have no idea what happens to me but I turn into Cruella De Vil when they start to annoy me. I just can't believe some of the words that come out of their mouths.

  8. Lynn - Jim and Rhonda probably have "playa names" - mine is "Green MOnkey" I would know them by that. Do you know where they camp and the name of their camp? ours is OrphanEaters and we camp at 7:35 and I

    OJ - glad to hear I'm not alone on my loathing to shop!

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  10. I used a word in my last post that could insensitive, caught myself only after it posted (in case you are wondering why I deleted).

    I bought a knock off spanx cincher and wore it once. I nearly fainted/couldn't breathe wearing that thing. LOL @ your can putting her paw down and you complying. :)

  11. haha that is so not a nice ~angry~ person either and have a tendacy to go straight for the jugular lol are you kidding me with the 3 pairs!!!! omg seriously 3 pairs.......i think not! where does it all go? I tend to have a case of the ~ no-ass-at-all~ or I say im wide not deep (= so that tends to make me think a muffin top would be good because i think with 3pairs on itd be more like a valcano!! well have fun-post pics and tell me what this is your going on? costumes-hats-spanx....sounds veryyyy interesting!!

  12. Looks like you've got it all together! Accept, I would go back to that store and buy those darned boots! Wear a silly hat or something, and HOPE you see the same lady.

  13. Jelly - I went to "the mall" yesterday (soooo not a mall girl) and after 5 shoe stores, walked out empty handed.

    Went to Saks, which is next to my office and fell in love with a boot that looks similar to the frye boot. bought it, but will take it back if i find something more "reasonable" hitting neighboring new york today .... wish me luck!

    Thang - I did not YELL or swear. so.... am giving myself credit for that but I wish I didn't pick on her suit. Imagine working in a department store and not being able to buy the things, perhaps due to financial restrictions. she is probably so desperate for commissions that it overclouded her thinking. I need to be more tolerant. I should have told the male clerk that DEAR is offensive and then I should have stopped after I told the second clerk that her commenting was insulting and unnecessary and that because of it, I would buy nothing. then walked away. I'm a work in progress :)

  14. Wow, I can't believe a sales woman would say that. Wow, you do get mad.


  15. I HAVE THE EXACT BOOTS IN YOUR PICTURE!!!!! They are awesome!

  16. I'm sorry! I can not imagine you wearing (or needing) spanx! Move those snaps :) XOXOXO

  17. Sorry you didn't get the boots, but this was a hilarious recounting of your adventure. What a stupid sales person!

  18. Haha! Your bad shopping experience made me laugh....I also hate shopping and try to get by with internet purchases as much as possible.
    Look forward to hearing all about Burning Man....have fun :-)

  19. OMG, you didn't! THAT'S AWESOME! ROTF!!

    Nothing worse than being chased around a store by some clerk determined to sell you something you don't want and need.

    My worst experience? Victoria's Secret. I can still hear the clerk say, We have bras to match those panties.

    Well at 30 bucks a pair, I can't afford either, lol.

  20. Thank you everyone for not being disappointed by my behavior :)

    more on this in a blog post....

  21. Oh Shanny you are so talented.........but i so get you.....a similar incident happened to me i was shopping for Rachel(a few years ago) and sales people every where....breathing down your neck...but where the f....are they when u need somethin NOWHERE...when i fianlly was ready to check out the girl said "did you try these on? you may want to try a larger size"?????????? Larger size ?? Oh know she didnt just say that.....hell im 110lbs soakin wet right so i went off.....wont get into what i said it would be soooooo un-lady like but picked up the items i had dropped them on the floor stomped on em and said..hmmmmmmmmmmmm nope better not post but im sure you can imagine ..but it was kinda like "did you try your clothes on today before you walked out the door becuz you my friend are the one that needs a bigger size HAH


Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Shannon E. Kennedy


Photo by Joan Harrison