I am someone who is looking for love.
Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, all consuming, cant-live-without-each-other love.
Carrie, Sex and the City
Zip, Zip, Zip...
Three zips is all it took. Everything deemed necessary neatly placed into two, oversized suitcases and one carry-on bag. Steadily he loaded them into his MINI-cooper, topped it off with a six-pack of beer and a bottle of wine and off he went. He didn't look back. He didn't wave.
To punish myself, I stood at the kitchen window and watched his every move⎯adjust rearview mirror, remove baseball cap and straighten hair, two hands on the wheel, rev engine and release.
His complacent expression signaled relief but then again, it's hard to read that poker face.
It is arguably more difficult for the one who stands guard than the one who is struck down. I have often said, I am glad it is me. I don't want to live a day without him in it. And yet I asked him to leave.
Those in my inner circle, including my doctors, know the details of our debacle and all agree that, though terrible timing, I have no choice. I can't heal him and he can't help me.
He is a good man. He has a good heart. I pray he finds his way.
It's been almost four weeks since he left. I don't know how to be sick without him. I don't know how to stop loving him. But I have to learn.
They say if you have your health you have everything. They say all you need is love. I am desperate for both.
What I fear most, next to dying, is pain, rejection and loneliness. For the first time in my life I am alone. I am alone in my home. And chemo is knocking at my door.
"The most frequent question people ask me is why I think I got cancer. I can sum up the answer in one word... FEAR. What was I afraid of? Just about everything, including failing, being disliked, letting people down and not being good enough. I also feared illness, cancer in particular, as well as the treatment of cancer. I was afraid of living, and I was terrified of dying."
DYING TO BE ME, Anita Moorjani