Sunday, October 20, 2013

Do Us Part



I am someone who is looking for love. 
Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, all consuming, cant-live-without-each-other love. 

Carrie,  Sex and the City



Zip, Zip, Zip...

Three zips is all it took. Everything deemed necessary neatly placed into two, oversized suitcases and one carry-on bag. Steadily he loaded them into his MINI-cooper, topped it off with a six-pack of beer and a bottle of wine and off he went. He didn't look back. He didn't wave.

To punish myself, I stood at the kitchen window and watched his every move⎯adjust rearview mirror, remove baseball cap and straighten hair, two hands on the wheel, rev engine and release.

His complacent expression signaled relief but then again, it's hard to read that poker face.

It is arguably more difficult for the one who stands guard than the one who is struck down. I have often said, I am glad it is me. I don't want to live a day without him in it. And yet I asked him to leave.

Those in my inner circle, including my doctors, know the details of our debacle and all agree that, though terrible timing, I have no choice. I can't heal him and he can't help me.

He is a good man. He has a good heart. I pray he finds his way.

It's been almost four weeks since he left. I don't know how to be sick without him. I don't know how to stop loving him. But I have to learn.

They say if you have your health you have everything. They say all you need is love. I am desperate for both.

What I fear most, next to dying, is pain, rejection and loneliness. For the first time in my life I am alone. I am alone in my home. And chemo is knocking at my door.





"The most frequent question people ask me is why I think I got cancer. I can sum up the answer in one word... FEAR. What was I afraid of? Just about everything, including failing, being disliked, letting people down and not being good enough. I also feared illness, cancer in particular, as well as the treatment of cancer. I was afraid of living, and I was terrified of dying." 

                                                            DYING TO BE ME, Anita Moorjani



xo, MonkeyME



36 comments:

  1. alone is hard. it takes time to adjust to. not fair having to adjust to alone and chemo at the same time. it's hard and painful and too too real.

    I love you. I am here.

    xoxoxoxo

    MG

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  2. My heart hurts for you. The trip to Martha's Vineyard, was that only a month ago? I have plenty of strength to send you, dear Shannon. I wish he had more, but I guess he does not. It's all too much and he should have found the courage to stay, at least for a while longer. That's how I feel anyway. And now I need a glass of wine. Will you join me?

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    1. yes Denise, thank you. I didn't want to drink alone. Yes, Martha's... yep. I know, it was just a month ago. In fairness, I asked him to leave. I can't go into details here because its not fair to him but its been two weeks and I've had time to digest the big chunks and I honestly don't feel like I have a choice. UGH....fuck.

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  3. I'm sad to read this but not exactly surprised. You had said it was over, and then you went through hell and I was glad you weren't alone. I hope you'll find a way to not be lonely. So sorry....

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    1. thank you blissed :) I just noticed that the "L" in BLissed is capitalized. sometimes I'm so slow... :)

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  4. OMGosh, I was not expecting that, but why should I. I'm a computer observer of your experience. So sad for you, and wish I could give you a real hug! Fear, yes, fear, I do understand!

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    Replies
    1. if it wasn't for double stuff oreo cookies and sex and the city reruns I would be a sloppy mess. instead, i'm just a mess.

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  5. We all love you, anyway. Keep rolling, this too will pass!

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  6. oh, Shannon, I am so sorry. all I can do is send you my love, and then, even more love, and then beams and beams of the light of big hope, to help you find your way. love,,,and light,,,xoxoxoxo

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  7. I wonder about you, when you're away for a while. Are you healing, body and soul?

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  8. Shannon, so sorry to hear this~ remember though it is true what doesn't kill you does really make you stronger( It is true)-, you will get by, you will survive and come back stronger and wiser! If it is meant to be it will be. You need to focus on YOU getting stronger, better and even more incredible than you already are! It is ok to be sad- just stay positive about your health. You will get better! XO

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  9. Shannon, sometimes love is not enough and neither is hard work. After 37 years of marriage, I think I can speak to this, it is much healthier to accept what you cannot change in your partner, than to spend one more minute trying to fix what will never be fixable. You have so much amazing energy to share with everyone. You are more courageous than you even know.
    Fear of being alone and failing has allowed me to stay in a relationship I should have left 36 years ago. I believed I could fix this, man. I thought I could Love him enough for both of us. I thought if I worked hard enough I could solve any problem. I was wrong. I don’t regret the lifetime of marriage and family I created with him, however, I will always be sad and disappointed in myself, for settling for less than I needed and deserved.
    You did not settle, and for that you are my hero.

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  10. Someone once said that "Life is Hell..."

    I believe it.

    You have been through SO much... and yet come through to write and harass yet another day!

    I am pulling for you, sweetie...

    As for lonely, I haven't been as lonely since my divorce as I was the last four or five years I was married... Did it take some getting used to? Yes... Did I expect to still be single this many years later?? No...

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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  11. Shannon. Words.... looking for the words. The amazing woman who I've yet to meet but love dearly. You are in boot camp for something big, Girl. Thinking of you and sending huge waves of Love and Strength your way. Food for thought: I just started this e-course - may be a good distraction, as well as, nurturing your inner creative self. Brene Brown - The gifts of imperfection. Check it out. XOXO http://www.oprah.com/own-brene-brown-course/brene-course-detail.html

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  12. Pretty much everyone who has been in your shine has felt love for you. I know it is all different kinds, but we would all be happy to help you reap what you have sewn.
    My business is almost to the point where I can travel, if you'd like some company.
    SilverJesse

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    1. my door is not only open but I'm standing there, waving my arms and bouncing up and down like a wild women. please come!!!

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  13. How would one answer a question like that? Why do u think u got cancer? Personally, I don't like that question. U didn't do anything to get cancer. But I would say this--stories come out because of this journey u are on. Stories are being written by u. Once upon a time, I told u about Green Gables and Anne the character in it. She wanted to be a writer with something to be published. And her good friend told her "Write what u know about." I say to u are writing about what u know about and we are interested in reading ur stories.

    I'm sorry about ur husband. Truly I am. But remember u are not alone. U have us and I'm pretty sure u have some good friends where u live too. Friends will be ur lifesavers in times of rough seas. Hold us close so we can hold u close.

    StormyDawn and the pup

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    Replies
    1. thank you Stormy, and yes, I do have friends like you and that means the world to me! and we both know the furry ones are extra sweet. xoxo

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  14. Shannon... I am sitting here, stunned. I've been offline most of this month and not keeping up with my "favorites" (YOU!) and this news has me blindsided. I've obviously missed some posts that lead up to this, and I'll backtrack to fill in the blanks, but, WHAT THE F***???? I am angry that he left, I don't care if you asked him to go. I'm still mad. This shit is SO not fair. Why must we be kicked when we're down. I don't even know what to say, but that I am holding you in my heart and I hope some form of peace settles around you to provide you with comfort. I will check in again soon. Promise. xoxoxo

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    1. no, you didn't miss anything, it was a total shocker to me too. well not totally because I went through something similar to this when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I tried so hard to justify it by saying, its my fault because of the stress of my illness but we (he and I) both know thats not the case.

      thank you for holding me in your heart. i think peace will settle soon. i am hopeful. xoxoxo

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  15. Oh my Green Monkey...so sorry to hear the latest curveball life has thrown you. Maybe alone is better than having to take care of both of you; I don't know. Wishing you well.
    ~D.

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    1. I think you're right Dee. Hard to admit but you're right. thank you for your well wishes. :)

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  16. I am a care taker. All my life I took care of every one else... but me. And when my ex left and I found myself alone when I thought I never would be, I was finally able to breathe. To heal. To learn. And to understand how strong I was, and how weak.

    You will be okay. Although I suspect you already know that. Have an oreo for me, will ya? (((HUGS)))

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    1. Thank you Julie. "when...I found myself alone ...I was finally able to breath. To heal. To learn..." WOW...THAT is powerful!!! I'm going to hold onto that xoxoxo

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  17. I am sorry this happened. The details leading up to it aren't important. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is. You will get through this. Here's an answer for those who ask you, why you think you got cancer... "shit happens."

    xo Inge

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    1. :)))))) yes Inge, it sure does. crazy shit happens!!! I'm just now learning how to take care of myself, learning how to love myself. i'm a slow learner...

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  18. Shannon. I ... have ... no ... idea what to write to you. But. I felt I should write SOMETHING. So. Here's something:
    Endure. (I check a total of three blogs. You are one of them. That means you inspire me, make me laugh, and make me wish you were a friend or a mother or a sister.)
    Please endure.
    K

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    1. Thank you Kim! I'm trying, really I am. I didn't write for a while because I was stuck in fear. I'm feeling better. It's a slow process but its getting better. thank you for reading me and I'm so glad I make you laugh!

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  19. Shannon, I've been behind in my blog reading and so I'm surprised by this, too. I'll send you an e-mail soon....or, better yet...how about some snail mail??!! Maybe cookies will be included, too! :)
    I wish I had tons of money....I would hop on a plane and come to visit you. We would be so silly and laugh our ...tails..off!

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    1. we sure would laugh Becky! you are wonderful and I love reading you.

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  20. shannon, just read your whole blog, came over from ezra's. i'm sorry you're dealing with this crap. i'm awed that either of you are able to get out of bed in the morning.

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    1. ahhhhh... thank you Alyssa. Ezra is my hero. I cling to his every word.

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  21. Christ, it never rains but it pours. Sorry to hear this news but if it's for the best, then that's the way it should be.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison