Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Fairy Infusion


I have done many bold, adventurous things in my life. Some required courage, others resilience, and several were an exercise in reckless stupidity.

I climbed the Mayan Ruins, swam with sharks, ran five marathons, skydived, parasailed, hung upside-down on a flying trapeze, rode in an ultralight 12,000 feet above Burning Man, rode a flying pig at Burning Man, spun fire topless in a wind storm at Burning Man... 

          

The other weekend I chased what looked like a sniper in the back of a pick-up truck, down interstate 95 so that I could get a picture of him with the hopes of blogging about it.

 

Imagine if my cause of death ended up being ballistic head trauma due to a high velocity bullet from a masked madman's semi-automatic weapon and NOT cancer.

But hands down the most frightening, the most daring thing I've ever done is chemotherapy. I feared chemo more than cancer, more than surgery, more than death itself.

Two weeks ago, with my soul-savvy daughter by my side, I faced my deepest fear.



Initially, I was adamant about not doing the drug oxaliplatin because of its potential long term side effects but eventually long term side effects seemed a small price to pay for a 27% chance at a longer life.

Besides, if Luciano Pavarotti (pancreatic), Walt Disney (lung), Steve Jobs (pancreatic), and Bob Marley (malignant melanoma) couldn't beat cancer with their wealth, talent and tenacity, then I knew I had to be courageous and committed to finding my cure.

The side effects from the infusion were immediate, intense and intimidating. I developed chest pain and pressure thirty minutes in that required additional monitoring. I developed an extreme sensitivity to cool temperatures the minute I walked out of the hospital. I couldn't breath the brisk fall air without the sensation of slivered glass pureeing my throat. I couldn't touch anything cold, even with gloves on. I couldn't walk outdoors, even with winter boots on without pain, similar to an electric shock, shooting through my body.  My eyes hurt, especially when I cried and my jaw hurt when I chewed. I couldn't swallow anything unless it was heated. Even room temperature was agonizing. I developed extreme pain at the site of the infusion and my doctor worried the surrounding tissue might had been damaged.

Despite all this, I am okay. I am wiggling my way around the unpleasant side effects and I am learning how to ask for help.

When I worried I would not be able to care for my dogs, my neighbors came together and offered to walk them. When I broke down crying at the grocery store because I couldn't hold a quart of milk or a package of cheese, my neighbors, family and friends, pitched in and brought me food.

Because I recognize that my mind is powerful, daily affirmations and visualizations are some of my wellness tools. I have mentally replaced the "poison alert" label on my chemo drugs with a "fairy alert."

My infusions enlist the aid of hundreds of flittering fairies whimsically gliding through my bloodstream. Intoxicating, fierce fairies darting around platelets, capillaries and lymph nodes - detecting and destroying the genome instability of minuscule cells before they have a chance to feed and form tumors.

Slowly, I'm doing it. I'm learning how to cope with my diagnosis and my treatment. Fear still bubbles up but mostly it's about tomorrow so I'm focused on today.

Today I studied the dance of golden gingko leafs against a milky blue sky, and the call of a catbirds song at dawn. Today I cared less about what I looked like and more about discovering my life's true purpose. Today, while savoring my coffee, I got down on the floor and thanked Sasha, Lucy and Phoebe for their love and loyalty. One by one I stroked their fur, scratched their sweet spot and watched them eat their treats.

Today was a very good day.

For some it's diabetes, or auto immune disorders, or chronic pain, or heart disease. For me, it's cancer. But that's not an excuse to stop living. It's a reason to live larger.


xo, MonkeyME



Photo by Sarah Hickox taken at Burning Man 2006


For a complete list of my ridiculous cancer journey click HERE

40 comments:

  1. Aw Honey- thanks for the infusion of YOU-sion!


    ALOHA from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    =^..^= <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow, yes, that bit about it hurting to cry....It's so unfair, you just don't dare cry those first few days after the infusions. (It wears off.) And I expect like me you are getting steroids, and on the second or third day after infusion you come down hard, and then all you want to do is cry!!!! (Actually I used to have a good long rant and rage, it hurt less.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ohhhhhhhhh is THAT what THAT was all about. None stop tears on days 2,3,4,.... I thought I was just being a baby. I don't have a port Lesley and I'm debating if I should get one. I'm soooo excited for you!

      Delete
  3. Good morning, you...

    Yes, Live Large, babycakes...

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHEN do you sleep shoes? and don't you find it interesting that we both posted a picture of our arm with a needle in it. WHAT are the odds of THAT?!?!? all that was missing was a red rubber ball. xoxo

      Delete
    2. HAR!!!

      I KNOW!!!!!

      I guess it's ok to play with your balls when one is donating blood... :oD

      When do I sleep? Mostly at night, dear... unless I fall asleep in class while teaching... that would be fun to observe...

      I hope you are having a great day today...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  4. I'm glad that family and friends are coming together to be a support network for you! Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh dear Shannon, I think about you every single day and wonder how you're doing. Your words are so raw and honest and sometimes painful to read. But behind those words, you continue to amaze me with your strength, and how you're learning to lean on others probably more than ever. I am thankful for the people who are helping you because I can't and I would if I could. BIG BIG BIG HUGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Denise, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.I am at the hospital today getting my second fairy infusion and lucky me, my grandson is with me so I am not alone.

      Delete
  6. I love your list of things you've done!

    You should leave off the "at Burning Man" part when you list them in your autobiography. That makes those things more inexplicable.

    Every second is a chance for something cool, no matter the circumstances, I guess. Makes me feel a bit guilty for ever getting bored...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you know ,you're absolutely right Katy - I should leave off the "at Burning Man" part :)

      Delete
  7. You must have been here before.. in life... on this Planet, maybe other planets. The perspective you have is so inspiring. Thank you for writing it down!
    Jesse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you for continuing to encourage me Jesse. xoxo

      Delete
  8. You never cease to amaze me, Shannon. I so look forward to reading your blog posts. They are insightful, encouraging, and most of all, inspirational. Blessings and peace. I believe you have always live large, but there is always room for LARGER!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. time to super sizing it and thank you for reading

      Delete
  9. Shannon, It seems that each time you encounter a terrifying situation--and there have been quite a few--you take a few deep breaths and meet the situation head-on. Not in a timid way but Large and In Charge. And you always get back to that place where you can find--and create--beauty. I wish you peace and healing energy, and beauty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you nancy :) I'm in the middle of a terrifying situation right now but luck me has my grandson by my side.

      Delete
  10. Ahhh, gratitude and appreciation for the good stuff....loved reading this...

    xoxoxoxo

    MG

    ReplyDelete
  11. If you have the guts to chase down a possible sniper on the interstate (for any reason) or spin fiery things while topless... better yet.... Remember when they (your doctors) shoved radioactive pellets up your ass and you had to listen to elevator music for an eternity and you DIDN'T kill anyone??? YOU can do ANYTHING girlfriend! YOU are the definition of Super Woman!

    ReplyDelete
  12. dear Shannon,

    your writing, what you went through with the first chemo infusion, and how you turned the tide of terror into feeling gratitude and bidding your fairies to be on reconnaissance - it all takes my breath away! I am happy you are surrounded by such loving caring people - and I loved the vision of you getting down on the floor to give Lucy, Sasha, and Phoebe for their love and their loyalty.

    much love and light, xoox

    Karen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. love and light circles around me and back to you Karen! today is a sad day, lots of emotional torment and yet the four legged ones are not frightened in the least.

      Delete
  13. oops - I meant to say...to give your love and thanks to lucy, sasha, and Phoebe. xo, k.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm sorry for all ur pain. It's hard to ask for help. I'm haven't quite learned how to do that myself. The only time I will ask for help is if my pup needs help. However, if it's something I need then I just can't do it. It doesn't matter if I will suffer in the end. I'll take the suffering. I'm happy that u have been able to ask for help when u needed it. U have a lot of people that love and care for u. I know they're happy to help u. Maybe one day u can teach me how to ask for help.

    I'm sorry for ur pain Shannon.

    Kisses to the pups, ur daughter and to u.

    Take care my friend. I always watch for an update from u.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Stormy. thanks for checking in on me and for caring. I am surrounded by fur right now, and its wonderful.

      Delete
  15. I wonder and pray about you everyday.

    Small consolation, I know. But it is what I have as a blog friend.

    I am glad you had a good day, with your fairies and your pups. I sometimes think my husband will look over at me and say "Really? This is what you use to get through this?" But he smiles, holds me and knows. You have your fairies. I have my clouds. And he watches my smiles while I sleep, because sometimes that is all we get.

    I wish you strength, faith and pain free days. And many more pettings of the doggies. [I laid on the love seat - our "$800 dog bed" as I like to call it] with Spottie today and watched her watch the deer in the backyard. Calm. Just calm.

    I wish you that too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Skippy, thank you for posting a reply. I have been wondering how you are doing.

      your line.... "but he smiles, holds me and knows" (gulp) that is all I wanted and it breaks my heart that i can't have it. (baby monkey me pouting)

      Delete
  16. Hey. I love your page. I want to thank you for giving so many people hope. Your a wonderful person. Thank you sooo much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank YOU Mark! It's interesting how people end up here. when I look at the feed, there are many that click in accidentally and don't spent more than a second or two and then there are others who find something that speaks to them. If I can give someone HOPE that is huge for me.

      Delete
  17. SHANNON, oh Shannon, you are SO amazing. I love reading about your wild and crazy adventures. And I'm so glad they provide you with fodder and fairy fuel to get you through this next phase of treatment. I'm thrilled your daughter and your family are there for you. And where would the world be without our pets? Thinking of you, always!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh Renn... you're so good to me - to so many of us "survivors" - you need a special medal of sorts. xoxo

      Delete
  18. Loved this and how honest you are. You go get those fears, darling. They don't stand a chance against you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my dog, Betty is here! I think of you often Betty and so please that you've found happiness again!

      Delete
  19. Shannon, have I told you lately that you're my hero?? I hope you can feel the Karma I send your way, every single minute, of every single day. Love and hugs....

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi. Following up. What happened to the Xeloda? Are you doing it? (Hugs)

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

***

Photo by Joan Harrison