Bottoms Up

After eight months of sporting a stoma, I am finally free! My bottom now functions like your bottom does. It's an amazing thing. The reversal was, for the most part, a breeze thanks in part to my sphincter muscle exercises and my will to succeed.

Gently put, the job of your colon is to move digested food along. The job of your rectum is to store it. When you remove your rectum (I don't recommend it) and utilize part of your colon as a rectum, your colon still thinks it's a colon. It doesn't know it's been upgraded to a rectum unless you tell it. It doesn't know how to hold it, or for how long, or even why it's holding it. It just wants to keep moving things along.

So... I now talk to my colon, or Colonel Mustard as I call him (my new rectum is a man, who may or may not have done it with a candlestick in the library). And he obeys me just as all my men do (don't spoil my fantasy).

Now that I am stoma free, I have never felt more alive, more vibrant, and more beautiful. It was hard to rock that stoma, especially when the "baby head" (incisional hernia the size of... you guessed it, a baby's head) was jutting it forward.

But now, finally, for the first time in my life... I am sexy and I know it!

Talk about little unexpected gifts. I never felt confident about my body before, but now, when I stand in front of a mirror with my two fabulous, 450 cc fake breasts (and thinking about enlarging) laced in scars that stretch across the center, an impressive frankensteinish scar that runs from my belly button to my pubic bone, 3 drain hole scars (don't ask), a chemo port chest scar, two melanoma scars, and an itty bitty 2 inch stoma scar, I can't help but think... DAMN I'M HOT!

After all, what is more attractive than an overexposed woman who faces her flaws and fears with humor.

I so want to show you the beauty of being cancer free but blogger says I'd need a "mature audience" warning in order to do that, so for now I will have to settle on a well scripted visual.


And... I have news, exciting news. I have a new man in my life. His name is Chet.

Chet is sexy and sophisticated. Chet is efficient. Chet knows exactly what a girl wants. And... he comes with a remote control!

Chet is my ultra cool, brand spanking new, bidet from BioBidet.com. Why I feel the need to name inanimate objects I cannot tell you, but I can tell you that Chet puts the "OH" in Bi-O-Bidet.

Everyone.... meet Chet -  part of the "Bliss 2000" collection.

Isn't he gorgeous! 

I first fell in love with bidets back in my late twenties when I saw one at a friends house, mistook it for a seatless toilet, sat backwards on it, and was overjoyed when a gentle stream of mis-aimed water ignited my little lady in the canoe.

But unless you live in Europe, bidets aren't typically implemented in bathroom so to compensate, I took several trips to Paris. It was expensive but invigorating. This also explains why I have very few photo's to highlight these trips, I barely left the bathroom.

When Mark (husband #3) and I first bought our condo, I considered reducing my bathroom vanity space to half in order to make room for a bidet but it simply wasn't practical.

Then, thanks to my rectal cancer diagnosis, and the information I found on the colorectal cancer boards (cancer victims version of Facebook), I met Chet.

With Chet you don't need extra space. The magic of Chet is built right into the seat!

In less than two weeks time I had Chet trained. Chet knows exactly where to point his nozzle, and at what speed and temperature.  Chet keeps the seat warm on days when the weather dips below 60 degrees, and if I feel the need to freshen up my lady parts, with just the touch of a button, Chet is eager to please.

For a while there, I was so enamored with Chet, that I couldn't find a valid reason to introduce a two-legged man into the equation until I stumbled upon this Mack Weldon's underwear model and was instantly reminded of what Chet was missing.

Sorry... blogger, made me put that CENSOR shield in.

Chet can't be the complete package without a package. And that package is... very important.

For now, Chet will be my appetizer and my dessert, until the right underwear model comes along.

xo, Sexually Ignited, MonkeyME

Want more two-legged Chet?

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Watch two-legged Chet disrobe, rub his belly, run his fingers through his hair, smile and adjust his glasses. Damn, this Chet has got it going on! What else does a girl want or need.

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