CATSTIR[kat-stur]noun: Code word for the other "C" word that rhymes with Dancer
I wake at 4:00 am and watch the first flecks of snow touch ground. Everything is peaceful and calm until the sun begins to rise and the nightmares return. I close my eyes and they roll right in...
A buxom blond nurse in stiletto heels, with ruby red lips and bouffant hair is feeding me, intravenously - a concoction of florescent green toxins. In the bed beside me is the frail old man that shared my fathers room during his brief stay at the nursing home last year. "THIS is the waiting place," he tells me. "This is where we wait to die."
What do you think THAT means? No sushi and porn before bed?
And what do you think caused my catstir? I now question everything I ever did.
I smoked cigarettes during my 20's. I had plenty of bad perms during the 80's.
Other then that, I lived a well balanced life. I have always exercised. I taught aerobics in my 20's. I was a distance runner during my 30's and 40's. I stopped running the day my son died. I meditate, I visualize, I balance my chakra's - regularly.
SO, what caused my catstir? I now question everything that surrounds me...
My laptop, especially when it heats up.
My cell phone. I no longer want to hold it. Even placing it on my night-stand is too close.
Every plastic bottle of water I drink from feels like a steady stream of catstir infiltrating my body.
I won't go near the microwave. I'm convinced it's shooting catstir waves at me.
Should I wear a face mask when I pump gas?
What about the mercury in fish?
For now, I trust the rich, smooth blend of coffee, but I suspect those little packets of blue, the artificial sweetener that I used for so many years, might be deadly. Or maybe I ate too much red liquorish, tainted with red dye #2.
I don't trust the water rushing from my faucet - never have. Now, I don't even want to brush my teeth with it.
If it's not organic, I'm not eating it. And I'm avoiding genetically altered foods as if it is the plague.
I don't care if the "wheat scoop" cat litter is not as effective as the super absorbing catstir causing kind.
What about my office? Is there asbestos hiding here? I am the third "office worker" to get breast catstir.
The first was Bertha, she was our bookkeeper for over 20 years. She died of breast catstir a few years back. I spoke at her funeral.
The second was my fathers secretary Lisa, who worked for our company for 20+ years. My father hired her straight out of high school and she ran the office like a well oiled machine. She was diagnosed last year. She is a year older then I am.
I can't get over how quickly the gray came. It spread across the top of my head like a peacocks plume. To counteract this, I made an appointment with a colorist and then cancelled. Thinking - why am I wasting money getting my hair dyed if it's going to fall out.
What are the odds that this catstir I caught will teach me how to spell?
Wisdom - I'm beginning to hear it.
Katie Gates said, "Peoples advice is more about them then you." So true, so true.
Miss Claudia tried to warn me, "I love you Miss Shannon but please wait 24 hours before you post something in anger." I know, I know... I'll try, but I'm so damn compulsive.
A fellow catstir friend said, "You will feel calmer once your treatment plan is in place - you'll feel more in control."
Is it obvious that I'm a control freak? Yes, of course it is.
I forgot to tell you that I am the only one allowed to spew venom at my husband. Please do not bash him. He really is a good guy and besides, I love him. He is coping the best he can. That is all I ask for. If he must go, I will respect that.
I will close by stating the obvious ...
Thank you. Thank you all so much for being there. For doing what you can to ease my pain. I am way behind in email replies, but know that I appreciate every kind word, every prayer and every piece of advice - even if it's annoying and I choose not to listen.
xoMonkeyME
Today, 2pac guides me, "...its going to take the (wo)man in me, to conquer all this insanity"
Thank you Sweet Lindsay, for your never ending wisdom and sensibility.
Thank you Sweet Lindsay, for your never ending wisdom and sensibility.
You'll probably never know exactly what caused it, but it can't hurt to protect yourself from as many toxins as possible. Right now you are having to wait to get started on your treatment, and I can imagine that it's very frustrating. You are in "the waiting place," because of that.
ReplyDeletethis waiting place, it can't be as bad as the "doing place" can it? :)
DeleteMay I suggest that there is always a pro-active stance? Even if it means that you take the time to intentionally slow-down your mental process (meditate/pray/be silent), or perhaps receiving an oil massage, followed with a steam bath? You don't need a church, clinic, or expensive therapist to do these things, you can do them yourself, with excellent results!!
ReplyDeleteAs a Doctor of Ayurvedic Medicine, I would be more than happy to offer you advice on diet/diet-choices, herbs, breath-control (Pranayam), and other modalities that are available to help your mind and body during this time. Please do feel free to contact me if you feel you might be receptive to Alternative Medicine/Ayurveda. It's my pleasure to help anyway I can. Much Love, Butta
Ah just what I needed. A healthy slice of Butta! I'm going to take you up on that. This makes sense to me and besides, I love you. Feed me please!
DeleteI've never met anyone who wasn't a control freak. What would they be like? Co-dependent?
ReplyDeleteI've never met anyone who had a functional family. Pat Boone?
I have never listened to anyone's advice unless they had leverage.
Nothing could make me start eating hay, wood chips, or grass clippings. Rocks are organic.
If I didn't have fluoride and chlorine in my water I would fall apart faster than my truck would if I washed it.
I must have a bowl of sodium benzine (or whatever) with extra food dye and saccharine every morning. It's the most important meal of the day!
If something doesn't cause catstir it's because they haven't studied it enough.
Now white lab mice, they might cause catstir, but I don't eat very many of those.
I truly believe genetics, suppressed anxiety and depression cause catstir.
My wife takes 28 vitamins and herbs a day, works out reads positive literature and is ten years my junior. Guess who is sick the most.
Stop worrying about the problems. Think about how great the conclusion of that solution will be when all is said and done.
It doesn't matter what color hat you're wearing. Your Hot.
Anything more I need to address?
Curmudge....will you please (yes, I'll beg) write my obituary!
Deletetruth is we are all waiting......love U monkey...keep writing....
ReplyDeleteJAYBIRD!!! (why am I yelling)... they made me take my tits off - every bit of them. fuckers! don't they know I have to do that in real life!
Delete"they" meaning blogspot and "tits" meaning virtual tits - photo's from former posts
DeleteHer heart has eyes that
ReplyDeleteher brain knows nothing about.
She dreams of spring rain.
( I'm going to sew those words on the inner lining of my bright green monkey cape - the cape I will make and wear to my chemo treatments)
DeleteLike Tupac said, when it rains it pours but "you can stand under my umbrella"
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Kat, I've been getting lots of signs from Kerry. He knows everything! The "Oh the places you'll go video" hit the social media a few days before I was diagnosed. Do you remember how my friend Sandy read it at Kerry's funeral? That video is for ME. That is Kerry telling me everything will be okay. That is Kerry telling me not to worry. It's also his way of telling me its not my time, I can't come to him now.
DeleteI was a blubbering mess at Kerry's funeral, honestly don't remember much except I was sitting next to his god mother who kept handing me tissues and asking if I was ok, sweet lady btw, but I know he's watching you and sending you healing thoughts. Kerry is always near us!
DeleteI'm guessing that was Phyllis - Lindsay's godmother and yes, YES.. she is a super sweet lady. I have great taste in friends!
DeleteOk oh, that must be her, well keep writing and if you need any medicinal herbs, let me know, lol!
DeleteLOL, catnip don't count!
DeletePlease don't blame yourself or anything you've done. There's likely a genetic component. I know with my family history I have to make the most of the time I'm given.
ReplyDeletebut Ben... if you have no genetic link its fucks with your head... at least it does with mine. Nope... no family history of cancer. the closest I can come up with is a great aunt on my fathers side but research and doctors tell me that doesn't count. but, we have not shared shots in real time so you don't know that I blame myself for everything that happens in my life. good or bad.
DeleteGM: Every time we think we know something, there turns out to be a bunch we don't know. At least, that seems to be the way it's working for me.
ReplyDeleteInstead of an obituary, why don't you have Curmudgeon write a rebirth or 2nd life or something (my titles suck but you get it) for the ritual we'll have when you're declared catstir free? (I will totally come out to your neck of the woods for that. And I make a kickass margarita. It's brilliant.)I really want to participate in that. Curmudgeon can write something brilliant and heart-stirring. I'll write a toast that will have something to do with over the lips and through the gums and we'll all have a great time.
I'm into that. Let's do that.
damn, I love writers..... we're brilliant. DEAL Em... well said, cheers, touche! I love kickass margarita's.
DeleteOh, honey, I had a day gig for awhile working in not one but two Mexican restaurants. I have secret recipes that will cause your heart to beat faster and your mind to slip into an ecstatic place. Margaritas are a place I excel.
DeleteThere are so many things -- we walk around breathing, drinking, touching, thinking about. Are they poisons, toxins, infectious agents in our mattresses or our drinking water? Are we soaking up everything negative? Maybe that bite of chocolate was a positive boost? Maybe the glass of wine soaked into every pour and added something you lacked before? What can I say? I haven't the foggiest. I do what I do, hoping for the best, worrying about the worst, sometimes pitying myself a whole freakin' lot for those negatives that have befallen me.
ReplyDeleteOf all the blogs I read...and I cannot count them, the numbers are in the hundreds...you have sucked me in with your spirit, your truth, your humor. It's a positive. You see? You've ripple effected a positive into my life, and more? We're all fighting to send those waves back to you. Have some chocolate. A glass of wine. And then? We'll all get drunk together!
can we do shots of moonshine and run naked through apple orchards ? or if not, lets simply, continue to feeding each other. (shhh... my truth gets me in trouble sometimes, ok, often).
Deletei really think our comments are better than my post... damn all of you , you are brilliant! you never disappoint.
ReplyDeleteKeep sharing your thoughts and questions. You are educating all of us, and this process will probably have more to deal with your healing than anything else. With you all the way!
ReplyDeleteToo, I totally get what you say about your husband and no bashing allowed. I'm that way with my sister. I'm free to criticize her, of course, but when someone else does, I want to pounce on them like a lioness defending her cub!!!
THANK YOU Katie Gates (I like saying your first and last name as one name - it sounds good). I feel the same way about my husband as I do about my children (dead or alive).
DeleteBTW, I just thought of something related to cats but not to "catstir." Have you read "Homer's Odyssey" by Gwen Cooper? (I mentioned it in my cat puke post.) It is an AWESOME, life-affirming memoir. Don't know if it's something you're in the mood for right now, but check it out next time you're at the bookstore.
ReplyDeleteyes, I read that post and yes, I thought about reading Homer's Odyssey - perhaps during chemo! but, ideally, you'd come sit with me and read it to me (see how bossy I am)
DeleteI don't think I could read that story to anyone. I cried through the WHOLE THING!!! (That's how crazy THIS cat lady is!)
DeleteAloha Shannon,
ReplyDeleteHad some weird blogspot problem that wouldn't let me reply for days (I was getting blank pages... not even green...)
Anyway, shoot, this isn't about me and my inability to stay in touch.... here's my point:
You keep saying whatever the fuck you want to and tough titties (pun intended) if someone gets upset.
I *can't imagine how you feel, with all the other shit you've gone/are going through, but if this blog helps you... fuck them.
'Nuff said.
Hi Mark,
DeleteAs weird as this sounds... I think blogspot was punishing me for posting the photo of that "woman" with her breasts exposed. I took it off the site and things are starting to calm down. HA... I sound paranoid.
yes, the blog helps big time. fuck um is right!
"If something doesn't cause catstir it's because they haven't studied it enough." Truer words have never been said. I agree let him write your obit. in 45 years, after you've kicked the Catsir's butt. :)
ReplyDeleteAs for your husband, why is anyone bashing him? Love is complicated, and if this works for both of you right now, it's the right thing for YOU. Your love will be fine, Shannon. Trust in that.
everyone is reacting to my pain, and in true monkey form, my words cause reactions. and like Katie Gates said, peoples reactions are more about them then you.
DeleteHi there, dearest Green Monkey...
ReplyDeleteWhat caused it? Who knows... What causes sinus cancer?? Blowing ones nose too hard or too much??? Breathing in the bathroom scent rocks so the BRs don't smell like second hand turds? (is there such a thing?)
Please please please know that you are in the hearts of so many...
What's wrong with your cowboy hat? I can't tell...
*huggles*
~shoes~
I am working on another profile picture..so far, monkeys all i got.
Deleteshoes... I might wear red shoes to my doctors appointment tomorrow ... just a thought