Monday, May 13, 2013

Happy Me Day

Mother's Day 1999


Early Sunday morning, at about 5:47 AM, my son Kerry gave me a hug. It was a powerful hug. It was his Mother's Day gift to me.

It was bigger than a dream. I was outside, near a pool of bubbly blue water, when my dear friend Donna yelled, "Look Shannon, it's Kerry!" I turned quickly and saw him in the distance. He was very tan, his hair was dark brown, almost black, and he had a mustache. I thought he looked like a pirate.


He walked towards me with his arms stretched out wide. It was so vivid - his steps, the look in his eyes, his prudent smile, the slope of his shoulders, the force of his hands. I have only received one other hug from him since he passed away. This time there were no tears, only joy.


Selfish but true, Mother's Day is about me. I spend this day comforting myself. I recoil and revel in my sorrow - as much as I want to, as long as I need to, in whatever way I see fit.

Next on the calendar is my son's death anniversary - May 27th.
And then my birthday - June 8th.

It is a mercurial journey I take, from Mother's Day, to his death day, to my birthday. Sometimes, I'm pointed downward - huddled in gloom. Other times I'm craving stars and willing clouds behind me. And when it rains, like a fair-weathered fairy, I hide.

On this Mother's Day, I felt the warmth of the sun. I watched and listened to the birds. I marveled at the flowers. I dug with my hands into rich, dark soil. I remembered what I had, what I lost, and what will be.

I love you Kerry.







xoMonkeyME



Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me... 

                                                        E.Y. Harburg    

20 comments:

  1. I'm so glad for you. I haven't had that from my stepson, although I can hear his voice so clearly saying, "Hi Mom, it's Alex." Last week was my late husband's birthday, the anniversary of Alex's death, my stepdaughter's birthday, and of course Mother's Day. It's a time of many memories and emotions for me. Time just keeps passing and yet the feelings can remain so strong.
    So so happy for you and that hug!!

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    1. Ahhhhh.... you get it! yes, that hug was HUGE!!!

      I am so glad you can clearly hear Alex's voice. And it is comforting to know that like me, you are out there dealing with the pain and joy of birthdays, death dates, etc. We are not alone.

      (((((((((HUG)))))))))

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    1. Thank you Debra! Hug you back (((((((hug)))))))))

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  3. Oh this makes me very sad and yet I'm joyful that u do have some good moments and memories.

    Thoughts and prayers ur way my friend.

    I hope u are doing well with the latest medical news that u got.

    Take care my friend. Please take care.

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    1. thank you..... yes, the memories are wonderful!

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  4. That hug will somehow envelope everyone around you. That's you Monkey.

    xoxoxoxooxoxoxox

    MG

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  5. This was so powerful. I got shivers. A hug, whether sleeping or awake, does wonders for the soul.

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    1. yes it does. i have just received some more challenging health news so now, more than ever, I understand the hug...

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  6. Every time I hear the oz version of that song I feel tears...my little sister ran the race that my father died at on Saturday. She finished the 50k and lived, this being the tenth anniversary they had commerative Scott McQueeney Ale's to celebrate his life(he died sober, 16 years sober) for the first time I got to say goodbye to my pops Irish style, drank myself stupid, gave an off duty read head barmaid a 30 dollar drink till your as drunk as I tip, stumbled the mile and a half (most of it up hill) home and was carried up to my bed by my unsuspecting roommate! It was fucking grand! For the first time in ten years I didnt cry, and for the first time in ten years it felt right...

    Hi Shannon, I'm glad I found your site when I did...

    Wander

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    1. Chris, what an emotional run that must have been - not only for your sister but for everyone.

      lots of soul growth going on for you my friend! I too am glad I found you.

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  7. (I wrote another comment but it didn't show up so I'm trying again--I hope I don't leave a double comment!) Happy Belated Mother's Day. I love this story, it gave me chills. Sleeping life can be just as powerful as waking life.

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    1. thank you for reading lucy. I have to approve the comments first because I'm getting soooooo much spam.

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  8. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful moment. Mother's Day is your special day. You won't ever stop being Kerry's Mum, and he'll always be your son. He's still there in Jackson, the people who were close to him and that important part of you.

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    1. Thank you Sharon. Thank you for validating my ongoing roll as a Mom to Kerry. And yes, he is still there in Jackson. Last night I watched Jackson playing baseball. Kerry loved baseball. They both play second base. It's like watching a rerun of your favorite episode. I am so lucky to have Jackson in my life.

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  9. That must've been tough. I can't even begin to imagine how tough. Cherish the memories :)

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    1. I just love your icon Blue! thanks for reading. when I'm given difficult new I digest it and cope with it by reminding myself that NOTHING is as hard as losing a child.

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  10. My Dad and I have touched once since he passed... it was in a dream, and the touch was so real, I was jolted awake. It was an affirmation that my Dad is here with me... just not in the context in which I wish he was.

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

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Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison