Early this morning, before the birds and the sun sailed, I added the word "blog" to my "rectal cancer" google search. I found five sites from women who were diagnosed with rectal cancer. The first four I clicked on are now dead. The fifth is living with Stage 4 rectal cancer. There is no cure for Stage 4 rectal cancer and yet she looks happy and at peace.
The question on the table now is whether or not I have a condition known as Lynch Syndrome. It would explain a lot. It's not good news, but it would explain a lot. I would love to know WHY?
Many of you want to know what I did wrong. You want to believe it is karma, or my bowls of wine, or ill-placed gerbils, or any number of my lifestyle choices. If you don't rationalize it, the fear of it happening to you is overwhelming. It's normal to do this. I understand. It's okay. But you should know that the odds of you winning the lottery are better than the odds of this happening to you. But then again, the odds of me winning the lottery were better than the odds of this happening to me. So, just to be on the safe side, you might want to schedule that colonoscopy.
I'm not afraid of death. I am afraid of dying - the process of dying. I am afraid of pain and suffering.
My fathers death was very dramatic. I hovered over him, stroked his hair and whispered to him - thanked him for all he did for me. He released a shallow, gargled breath and then slowly closed his eyes, and we all thought, there he goes, until he shot up, with his eyes wide open and sucked in more air.
He fought his death.
I will fight the cancer but I do not want to fight death.
I know I will not be alone. I know I am loved. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
Which leads me to the topic of GUILT...
A few months back, when I told someone about my cancer (then my second diagnoses of melanoma), he responded by saying, "I feel sorry for the people that have to watch you suffer." I managed to walk away from that conversation without slapping him, mainly because he's an employee of mine, but it wasn't easy. He went on to tell me how much HE suffered watching his mother die of uterine cancer.
The following week, he apologized, saying it was a stupid thing to say. I told him I agreed, it was a stupid thing to say. I also suggested that maybe he has yet to work through the grief of his mothers death. He looked at me clueless, and I let it go at that. It's not my job to heal the emotionally crippled.
What his comment triggered in me is GUILT.
Guilt was the hardest thing for me to let go of after the death of my son. Guilt is suffocating. Guilt is debilitation. I will not let guilt separate me from my greatest source of strength, my husband.
For those of you who do not know our history, Mark and I met in kindergarden. We went to school together and graduated together but didn't have an actual conversation until our 20th High School reunion. My favorite line is, "Mark was still single, and I married just about every man I met."
When we first started dating my fierce, irish temperament mixed with his cool, Perry Como demeanor, was a recipe for disaster. If I would argue with him, he would fall asleep. Ten days after my son's death, he left for vacation and I could not bring myself to ask him to stay. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, his actions and my reactions challenged our marriage to its breaking point.
And now, as we face yet another one of my physical challenges - he is my gallant knight, poised and ready to fight. He is patient, persistent, calm and astute. We share this illness. We welcome this challenge.
QUESTION...
Cancer doesn't make you more likable so why is it that people who have publicly or privately berated, betrayed or abandoned me, are now reaching out to me? Is that about their guilt? If you don't like me, please don't pretend you do. My half-sister and half-brother, both not a fan of monkey me, have kept their distance and I respect them for that.
For the rest of you...
For the rest of you...
Please do not pity me. Do not restrict your living. Do not linger longer than you can emotionally tolerate. If you need to step away from the blog, from me, I will understand.
Today, I don't have a well scripted story or uplifting wisdom to share, but it's important for me to chronicle the hills and valleys of my journey because, like the other four women I found this morning, it is likely that my blog will out survive me.
With Love,
MOnkeyME
and my handsome husband, Pappy
August 17th, 2002
my Dad
If none of this makes sense it means you missed the first two posts:
Hey, MonkeyMe...
ReplyDeleteDo we really accomplish anything if we try to find an answer as to why some of the things that happen to us occur?
Maybe that's the human nature in us, when in fact, there is no real known rhyme or reason. We can posit that it's karma, or that I am being paid back for something I did in the past, either in this Life time or another past Life.
We don't know. So much of the literature that I read tells me to live in the 'Now,' because that is all any of us really have. This moment... this second.
I love that photo of you and your Pappy.
As for me, I will always be here for you... to harass you... and crap like that. But, then you probably knew that... ;o)
*huggles*
~shoes~
Oooooo Monkey!!! So so so honored to be your friend honey!! You teach me so much. Every time I talk with you or read your blog or even through texting (God forbid we should actually speak on the phone!!)
ReplyDeleteMy colonscopy is scheduled for July 11. I asked for a female doctor but one wasn't available for that date, which is most convenient for me. Because of my loooonnnnggg history of mistrusting men, I hesitated for a moment, then said, yes schedule it. The vulnerability and nervousness are nothing next to what you are dealing with, and I keep remembering what you said, it's not as hard as Kerry.
I found a penny in the kitchen today, he speaks to me too, do what you're afraid of. That's how I see it anyway.
I love you. So glad Mark is there, you two are the couple of the year, nope, decade, in my humble opinion.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo
MG
Wow! I always dread my reunions. Imagine finding love at one. Stay strong, monkey girl.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... Well, two of my co-workers have been diagnosed with colon cancer within the last month. For one of them it is her second go around. THEY ARE BOTH DOING REALLY WELL. Tolerating chemo as to be expected and are fighting. So there are two survivors you can add to your list. :)
ReplyDeleteFunny death story (if there is one). When my Uncle's Mom Zabelle was getting ready to pass on (at 98, no less), all 12 of her kids (she had 14, 12 still living...what can I say she was old world Italian) one of her sons was saying, "It's okay Ma... Dad and the babies are waiting for you. Heaven's gonna be so great. No pain, only joy and good things."
She laid there in her weakened state all him blurry eyed, and suddenly jolted up, looked him dead in the face and said "Wanna come?"
She died on my birthday... taught me how to play penny poker and bad Italian words. Craziest broad I ever new. :)
I am not going anywhere, you can find me right here. That is a beautiful photo of you and your dad. I miss my dad more than anyone else who has gone. He survived esophageal cancer and prostate cancer, then shortly after passed away with no cancer at all. Go figure. Life is just a mystery. Hugs and more hugs for you, dear Monkey.
ReplyDeleteHey Monkey! Its me...rectalcancermyass.com/ This June I am 2 years cancer free! I had stage four. Its only a number, not a life sentence. I know many stage four cancer survivors running around.
ReplyDeleteNamaste! Inge
dear shannon,
ReplyDeletei am so touched by the great love story of you and mark. all those past hills and valleys you endured will help you both navigate to where you are going with this wrecked tail tale - more hills and valleys, but with so much love to be your compass. i will never step away from you or your story. i am sending you the light of love, and warm hugs by the bushel.
love, XOXO,
karen, TC
Never mind the Boston Strong stuff, I'm a believer in the Monkey Strong.
ReplyDeleteNo pity here, just awe. And a fluffy golden retriever puppy at the ready.
ReplyDeleteRock on, Shannon.
No pity, but plenty of awe. And a fluffy Golden Retriever puppy at the ready. Rock on, Shannon.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other personally, though I read your blog and I think perhaps you may have visited mine occasionally. I felt moved to write and say, "I'm reading." I'm reading and I'm hearing your words, your insights, and your fears. I have been drawn into you and your story, of which you are now the heroine, albeit a reluctant one. I don't mean to be glib. I don't have ANY advice, or pretend to have any words that could possibly make a dent in this mountain before you, except: I'm listening. (God--now I sound like Frazier.)
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong woman, and I have been touched by your song. I feel honored to hear it.
~Jill
Shannon, like the previous commenter, I'm listening too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your process. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteIn one hour, I go and talk to my friend's counselor, I'm nervous.
ReplyDeleteI won't go into long detail. It's in my lastest blog. But it has had me crying for days now.
The other day, I spent time with a very close woman friend whom is like an adopted mom to me. I have lots of adopted moms. She is Christian and guides me when I feel I am twisting in the wind. I talked about u the whole time I was with her. And I told her of ur latest news.
U have done nothing wrong to deserve cancer. So please put that out of ur head. And I'm sorry that some people in ur life would even suggest that to u. That seems extremely insensitive to me. And very unwise for them to say it.
Shannon, honestly, I don't know what words to say. I don't think anything any of us can say to u know will be comforting. But know that we are beside u even if not in person in spirit. U will not be alone. I'm happy that u have Pappy.
But what I do want u to know is that I have enjoyed reading ur blog. And I thank every day that u visited my blog about a year and a half ago. Because u entered my life at that point and I took to reading ur blog. And what an interesting blogger u are. But mostly u are caring, giving and open ur life up for all to see.
I don't understand why Kerry had to die. I don't understand why u had to get breast cancer. And I am devastated to learn of ur latest cancer.
Why? Why? Why? Why? I have driven myself crazy trying to understand why so much heartache has fallen on u.
But I will tell u lately things have been pointing me to read my Bible and to get closer to God. U have been one of those reasons along with others.
I have always been a believer. Always. And although, life has not been easy I have never felt left alone. God was always there with me. And he has protected me from people and things that would have hurt me. My father once said u have the strangest things happen to u but u always come out safe.
Yesterday, I found two things I want to send to u. I'd rather not tell u what they were over the blog. I will send them to u. I don't know if sending them will upset u. I hope not. My intention is to give u some comfort. I can't take the cancer away from u. I can't take ur pain on. But what I can do is be a true friend to u even if we never meet in person. If u do not want the items I sent, will u just place them in a drawer somewhere. Maybe one day u will want them.
I will continue to pray for u. After reading this blog, what I will pray for is that ur fear of dying will go away. Many times, I have said I am not afraid to die but please don't take me before u take Buttons and Patches. I do not want to leave them behind and not know that they will be cared for. What is beyond this world? I truly believe it will be better than what is here on Earth. But I don't want u to fear the pain and suffering in dying. And that is what I will pray for u. No pain. No suffering. U said that is what scares u.
Please blog. Please keep us in the loop. And as one blogger commented if u are only able to type one sentence please do. I desperately need to know how u are doing.
I love u Shannon. As the friend I have never met, I am very thankful to have had the opportunity to have u in my life for however long God chooses. U are a blessing too many many many many people.
Please send ur mailing address to my email address MissStormyMarples@gmail.com
Dear Shannon:
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other; I discovered your blog from another blogger I have been following. Today I feel compelled to let you know I will be praying for you that the stage IV statistics are just that; they don't mean much because YOU are an individual and your body will respond to the treatment the way your body is able to respond. In addition I also read about your son's death, and I cried with you; my sister died 38 years ago, not suicide, but sudden and devastating. I empathize with your grief and missing him so much.....people don't know what to say and sometimes say the worst thing possible. My purpose is to surround you with healing thoughts, prayers, hoping you can remember the good times with your son, and wish you peace with whatever treatment you choose for this new cancer. I join the many people you have touched with your honest expressions of your "journey" via your blog. I will be praying for you and sending you all good thoughts, that you might not think of the actual dying, but the surviving.
A reader in NY.
I find myself these last few days--rereading ur blog. I started at the very beginning again.
ReplyDeleteAnd I told myself here is Shannon's book right here. Her life's story.
I like it when u are writing about ur life. What has happened to u? Where u came from? Ur childhood stories. All the way up to now.
I shall read a few of ur blogs each day again. Trying to gain insight.
U said in one blog. U believed Kerry was still spiritual around u. He gave u signs of him. And although, others might not believe in ur signs. U believe in them. That they are from him. I agree.
I'm wondering how u are doing. I'm wondering what is happening to u daily.
I am wondering if I'm being a pest. The mosquito that won't go away. U swat at it and it keeps coming back.
But I want to know. I want to see signs too.
So--I go back to the beginning of ur blog 2009 and I read it again.
Hi Shannon. Thanks for your comment on my blog; I guess you found it after writing this post because I am stage 3 ( so far, fingers crossed). I did the radiation and chemo, and can tell you it isn't as bad as it sounds. The chemo I had was Xeloda, it is pills you take at home and I didn't feel too bad from them. The radiation is fine at the start, it's just towards the end that you get a real sore bum, but it does go away pretty quickly after the end of the treatments. I have an ileostomy, it is temporary and at the end of chemo I will have a reversal. It isn't fun, but at least it means that the diarrhea is easier to deal with. I am really glad to find your blog, there aren't many of us wrecked tail bloggers out there!
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here at my desk, crying my eyes out, trying to keep it together. I am so glad I found you! Yes, I found you this morning. It is hard to find people that are living with this.
DeleteI have been reading ur blog from 12:30 till now (3:00). I had to jump forward to 2012. I am at work. So now I will take the last hour of my job time and work my bum off and catch up. I could not tear myself away from ur blog. I picked up on things that I didn't see before when I read them. And I'm wondering have u gone back and read ur blog too.
ReplyDeleteShannon, u know how to "LIVE" life. And even in pain and suffering, u press forward and make the most of ur life. And u GIVE--GIVE--GIVE--GIVE. Give of urself, give information, knowledge and love. So u have already figured "LIFE" out. And it is to "LIVE" IN THE NOW AND IN THE MOMENT. That's my motto on my blog. "Live life like ur dog. In the moment."
U said u were scared of the dying process of the pain and suffering in this blog. And that's what I had told myself u wanted most was to not pass away in pain and suffering. But I think u want to live too. U want more life to "LIVE". I can see that in the comment above. A fellow cancer survivor (u found her).
This is my prayer now. And I will pray it every day. AND I BELIEVE IN PRAYER. I believe with all my heart and soul in prayer. I believe that my pup was healed two weeks ago. I fear he was going to pass for two days. And I prayer over him for three days as he laid in my arms. And I talked to God and I said, "God, u made the trees. U made the oceans. U made us." When I look at nature I see God. And if I believe if I truly believe and I prayed for Buttons' healing. And he was healed. My vet told me 10 days later on his follow-up. "Dawn, I was not expecting him to look this good." I smiled and teared up because I knew it was prayer. Prayer "for total healing". Buttons didn't even have a bladder stone in his body which itself is amazing because he has a surgery every other year for removal of bladder stones.
This is what I want. My BFF "T" and I were talking at supper the other night and she was talking about her 50th birthday party in New Orleans. I said, "That's what I want. I want to celebrate my 50th birthday in New Orleans." She said, "We will do it." I have never visited New Orleans before that I remember. I will be 50 on 02/21/2016. It is my wish for u to join us. Please save the date on ur calender. Mark it. Because I want u there.
I am sending u a package. I will send it to u Thursday. I don't know how long mail takes to get from here to there but look for it.
U will be there for my birthday in New Orleans. I don't want u to ever lose hope. I don't want u to lose faith. And I am going to God and asking that he save ur life. That he heals u. That he totally heals ur body.
"Ill-placed gerbils"??? Okay, that's funny. Otherwise, I'm with you 100% that dying, not death, is the thing to fear. After that, gerbils.
ReplyDelete"Ill-placed gerbils"??? Okay, that's funny. Otherwise, I'm with you 100% that dying, not death, is the thing to fear. After that, gerbils.
ReplyDeleteSuch a powerful post, and the picture - that's who you are, not cancer.
ReplyDeleteThese loving supportive comments should show you, you're on the right path, the hope is there, beating this is possible. You will Shannon, you will!
Loving thoughts, always!
I am with you, and I won't suffer. Pappy is a good man. I saw it in his eyes the second we met, and I am so glad he's by your side.
ReplyDeleteWhether we know it or not, we signed up for this experiment of having whatever body we got, for however long it lasts. We get the hills, valleys.. roots stems, and flowers.
All of life suffers, and rejoices.
The most important thing to me is a real connection to real people who live out loud.
My good luck ran the colors of bright green and Silver (okay.. not a color..) together with a lot of white[out].
This is what I wanted.
At the time we met, I had mentioned that there are times in my life.. brief shining moments when I feel like I would not change anything if I could; not even all of the pain of my past, because it all led to those shining moments. I didn't know at that time that that was one of those moments... sitting in your temporary home, talking about whatever came up.. Boyo boy, did it come up. As it should have.
Right now, I would not change a thing.
All we can do is move forward, wherever that goes.
You don't have time or need for guilt anymore.
You don't DESERVE guilt. You took more than your share, and there are people out there that need it.. so put it back!
I want more Monkey time, so let me know when you're ready to put up with me.
<3
)'(
Jesse
I am with you, and I won't suffer. Pappy is a good man. I saw it in his eyes the second we met, and I am so glad he's by your side.
ReplyDeleteWhether we know it or not, we signed up for this experiment of having whatever body we got, for however long it lasts. We get the hills, valleys.. roots stems, and flowers.
All of life suffers, and rejoices.
The most important thing to me is a real connection to real people who live out loud.
My good luck ran the colors of bright green and Silver (okay.. not a color..) together with a lot of white[out].
This is what I wanted.
At the time we met, I had mentioned that there are times in my life.. brief shining moments when I feel like I would not change anything if I could; not even all of the pain of my past, because it all led to those shining moments. I didn't know at that time that that was one of those moments... sitting in your temporary home, talking about whatever came up.. Boyo boy, did it come up. As it should have.
Right now, I would not change a thing.
All we can do is move forward, wherever that goes.
You don't have time or need for guilt anymore.
You don't DESERVE guilt. You took more than your share, and there are people out there that need it.. so put it back!
I want more Monkey time, so let me know when you're ready to put up with me.
<3
)'(
Jesse
Just found your blog this week. So sorry you're having to go into battle again. I hope that you are able to blog for many years to come, talking about all the things you are still able to do after you've kicked this. x
ReplyDeleteBeautiful pictures and it was a beautiful day, once the storm blew through! You were very lucky to have had such a fantastic Dad, and to have spent so many years together and to have such great memories. All of the pictures of Mark, he has a big smile on his face and you are the reason for that smile, don't ever doubt that! I was in tears many times when I heard the news of all of this and once again when reading this. This just plain sucks and there are no reasons why any person gets this or that - I'm starting to believe that we all are going to suffer from something, some just get it double or triple and there are no explanations for it (gerbils? that one did make me laugh through my tears). I told this to my Rheumatologist (gerbils excluded) and she was surprised, and thought this was a negative view to take. But I hardly know anyone completely healthy anymore!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just wanted you to know that I think of you every day. I remember all of the times in high school when I thought you were the coolest chick (loved those boots w/the tassels clicking away) when you would enter the Sr. lav., and I was a lowly Soph., you hung out at the Pitt and I didn't even know where or what it was! So, you still are a cool chicka, and you are going to kick this C just like the last one (w/the white boots?) too!! With your human and pet family and readers behind you, you have a lot of support and prayers going your way, so take it all in and do what you need to do. Concentrate on living, which is what you do best, in all kinds of color and then we can live through you in your words. We will need to get together again and drink some wine - it has been way, way too long (uh funerals and weddings??). Take care. Sue