Friday, January 28, 2011

Bird Porn



Have you seen my Bird Porn?

In the spring of 2009, after accidentally filming two birds fornicating, I uploaded it to youtube and posted it on my Facebook page.

It got a lot of hits and I was amused by the online bantering it generated.

Later that summer, my husband and I were invited to a birthday party hosted by one of his coworkers - an elegant rooftop affair overlooking Time Square.  Even though he worked for his company for several years, I had yet to met any of his colleagues.

Contrary to MonkeyME, my husbands is calm, quiet and conservative. Determined not to taint his professional image, I prepared for the party by purchasing Jimmy Choo, 3 inch shoes, raisin red pumping lipstick and studying well-behaved, trophy wife's watching both versions of the movie, The Stepford Wives.


If nothing else, I would be plumped-up, tame and stoically, in pain.

The party was in full swing when we entered the 42nd story rooftop. Because there was only a hint of a railing, I held my husbands hand tightly and steered us away from ledge.

I wasn't certain what to expect from this band of bond traders.

A general surveillance showed an equal split right down the middle - wife's huddled on the inside, husbands teetering on the edge.

The dance was perfectly timed:

and 1, 2, 3, 4 couple enter left, host enters right
and 5, 6, 7, 8 leads wife to herd and husband to bar

I was left with a brood of blond bobbed, overwhelmed, stay at home mommies.

Bored by the details of labor pains, play dates, diaper duty, and sore nipples - I slowly moonwalked my way towards the edge.

AND there, in the center of our men, stood a curvaceous Russian beauty.  Her name was Lena.  She had wild eyes, never ending legs, and a contagious smile.

It took some work on my part to corner her, but I was determined to find out why she chose finance of fashion model.

My husband, Mark, made no mention of a female coworker and I never thought to ask.

"Mark is married?" she asked
"Yes, thats why I call him my husband" I answered.

After an intense interrogation, I discovered that Lena laughed with her mouth wide open, dated a doctor, smoked cigars, is a classically trained pianist, and was once detained on the suspicion of being a spy.

It's hard to top that.

"Want to see my bird porn?" I asked.

Well of course she did.

We spent the next few hours, tossing back scotch, puffing on stogies, and guessing the cock size of her coworkers based on the size of their hands.

"Mark's is HUGE"  I assured her.

Lena left the company a few months later with no forwarding address.

In doing research for this post, I googled "bird porn" and to my surprise, this is what I found.



A pop, smooth punk recording artist, and owner and founder of the "Thank You For Your Sex" brand.


I guess I made a lasting impression on Lena.


Hey, want to see my Bird Porn? 



photo found on Google Image

22 comments:

  1. Where do you come up with this stuff? And when are you going to give another plug for pajama pants?

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  2. "pajama jeans" Boris.... lets keep this story straight! :>

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  3. chirp...chirp.....chirp (downward beak)

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  4. Next time I play Angry Birds, it will be much more interesting because of this video.

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  5. I'm sure you did have quite the affect on the coworker, you bird porn lady you. :)

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  6. hey... nice to meet you too!! i liked your rooftop story. i would be the one hangin with the cool girls, drinking scotch and smokin cigars.
    you rock
    ~laura x

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  7. WTF, never seen the game but I loved the video. Ever think the sore nipples, play dates and bird porn all go together? :)

    Good morning America, covered the pajama pants this week, thought of Boris and you. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

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  8. It just goes to show that sex makes the world go 'round. Why in the world we humans create so many artificial inhibitions towards it, I'll never understand. "It's perfectly natural" is one of my favorite sayings. I think Jules comment, "Ever think the sore nipples, play dates and bird porn all go together?" is very intriguing. haha So glad that you escaped the Stepford wives and found the fun part of the party. (like I ever doubted that you would) Go bird porn. Right On!

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  9. Next thing you know, the birds will be filming us. Cameras do come mighty small these days...

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  10. Too funny! I was out delivering mail last spring and caught my first glimpse ever of squirrel "love". I am forever traumatized...

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  11. That...is... AWESOME!!! Yeah, I've been to a few of those Stepford Wives parties, scary stuff, to say the least! Lena sounds like a BLAST, I'd have given ANYTHING to have had her at the gatherings I was forced to attend!

    I love birdwatching, too. Now, thanks to you, I am also an avid bird porn watcher! Thanks!

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  12. The sun is finally shining this morning and all the birds are out in full force. I'm watching them from my window...waiting for some action. Such a perv!

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  13. When my sister first started driving, I was in the car with her when she hit and killed two birds engaged in a violent flying love making. If they're shy about it, maybe they should try staying in the trees!

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  14. "...activists dedicated to stopping bird porn..." - that has to be a joke. That's way over the top. I thought saving the lobsters was pretty stupid but bird watching - c'mon.
    great story
    Your should put some background music on your video. I suggest "you sexy thing" by Hot chocolate

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  15. I couldnt see the video but really do ppl having to picket about everything. DOnt they have anything better to do?

    Seriously.
    Im passionate about things but You wont ever see my picketing anywhere.

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  16. even funnier this time....Bird Porn....whoda thunk it???? did i miss somethin??? pajama jeans story??
    -..-

    luv u shan
    cat

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  17. CAT ~ the Pajama Jean story is here:

    http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/2011/01/take-stess-test.html

    :> enjoy!

    as always, thanks for reading!

    p.s. I'm trying to talk Boris into writing a guest blog post for Green Monkey Tales.

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  18. ...it's 10:38pm and I'm sitting here watching feathery fornication. It's either a case of fatigue, or perverted curiosity...still considering my answer.

    This was funny. Great post.

    EL

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  19. Thank you Elliot! and thank you for becoming #350 :) yes, watching bird porn is a bit odd... but did you see the comment about the squirrels??? now, I'm giving them a second look.

    Is anyone surprised by the lack of SPAM this post has generated?

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  20. Thanks for stopping by my blog today, Bernie writes for me every Tuesday but you can check out her blog at http://onemixedbag.com/ if you liked it, it keeps me in stitches every day. Growing up we had a pool in our back yard and my introduction to Sex Ed was watching the Mallard ducks in the spring so I am quite familiar with bird porn. :) Great post!!

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  21. Hey stay at home mommies like Bird porn too. Great story..ya think thats really the Same Lena?

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  22. Great post!! Very funny :)

    Thanks for visiting my place, I'm glad I've found yours.

    cheers from Uruguay :)

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Shannon E. Kennedy

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