Sunday, March 4, 2012

Acceptance


My research is complete. My decisions are made. My bag(s) are packed.

It is time for me to turn inward.

I wanted to write to you all week. Instead I stored everything in my head.

On Friday I had pre-op testing and was told I have a heart murmur. When I asked for more details I was told my heart should go "flub dub" but instead it goes "dub flub." The doctor, a petite asian woman, sounded so adorable saying,"flub dub, dub flub" that I had her to repeat it several more times.

I explained that this could be a side effect of listening to too much dubstep. She didn't get it. I tried to explain dubstep. Still, she didn't get it.

Bassnectar photo courtesy of moviespad


It happened again. This is the second time it happened. The first time it was the radiologist that asked. This time, it was the nurse.

"Are you related to THE Kennedy's?"

"Your resemblance to Eunice is uncanny!" said the radiologist.
"The look is so distinctive" said the nurse.

photo courtesy of google image

The first time I said nothing but gave a coy, don't tell a soul look. The second time I answered, "Yes, on my fathers side."

I'm afraid of what I'll say the next time I'm asked. ("Please don't let another Kennedy die!")

I have been given an arrival time of 9:30 am. I am to report (on time) to the nuclear medicine department where they will inject my breasts with dye and scan me. After the dye reaches its destination - estimated time of arrival one and a half hours -  I will proceed to surgery.  Once I'm under, they will inject another dye that will aid in determining what sentinel lymph nodes will be biopsied.

This is important, I need CLEAN NODES!!! CLEAN NODES!!! Multifaceted, crystal clear, shimmering, clean, lymph nodes.

The breast surgeon will remove the tissue from both of my breasts along with my nipples and areola. Then the reconstructive surgeon will insert tissue expanders that resemble a deflated, non-regulation sized, basketball. About 8 weeks after surgery, and every week or so thereafter, they will slowly inflate them with saline. Four months after that I will be ready for my second surgery where they will remove the tissue expanders and give me my implants. I'm sticking with a full B cup size. If I opt for double D's it will take a year and a half.

At my request, my husband photographed my breasts from every angle. For one shot, I balanced a mimosa in the center of the chest.

I strung your cards on silk ribbon and draped them from a wood beam that stretches across my bedroom ceiling. They are a constant reminder that I am loved.

Yesterday, I shaved. To avoid infection, this is the last time I will use a razor until I'm healed. I also started using a disinfectant cleanser the hospital recommended - guaranteed to keep me germ free for up to 6 hours.

I took my fingernail polish off.  I took my jewelry off.

I burned all my bras. One house guest burnt her panties. I can't tell you who. (see hint in next line)

Miss Pegged bought a ice blue silk pajama's.  They are beautiful. They make me feel pretty and they will make siding in and out of bed easier.

I spent the last week visualizing and affirming positive, radiant, health.  I found a wonderful reiki practitioner who worked with me during the week and will continue when I am home.  I have been reading a book called Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster by Peggy Huddleston which speaks to me on many levels.

By chance, I discovered my breast surgeon and my reiki practitioner are friends. They both go to the same church. They both have great respect for each other.  Knowing my breast surgeon is a spiritual being is very comforting.

I feel lighter.

I am ready.

All I need now is your prayers. I am asking that you visualize me wrapped in a radiant blanket of love. You decide what that blanket looks like.

By doing this you will prepare me for surgery. You will open me to healing. You will bring me peace and clarity. You will allow my soul to shine.

I love you.

xoMonkeyME



 





  

50 comments:

  1. We love you, Shannon! We'll be sending you loads of love and light.

    -Jay & ZOC

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    Replies
    1. thank you honey badger and baby badger! Love you both!

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  2. Light, love, and healing thoughts coming your way. I've always loved old patchwork quilts. This is what I'm imagining.

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    1. I love the idea of a patchwork quilt!!! beautiful... Thank you Christine!!!

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  3. love that thru this all you are maintaining your sense of humor...full B cup instead of DD'S...love it!

    prayers and hugs!!!
    Maureen

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    Replies
    1. I lost it for a bit but i found it!!! love you Maureen!!!

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  4. Love and prayers ~~~~~~~~~~~
    Positive, radiant healthy YOU.......keep writting your way to healing (You are very good at it!)

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    Replies
    1. writing praise never gets old. Thank you!!

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  5. You got it.Prayers,and positive thoughts coming your way. You can do this, and you can do it well.

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    1. :))))))))))))))) that made me smile! I will do my best!

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  6. It's amazing to me that you have the energy to post this, to send love, to think of us. Thank you.

    Of course I wrap you warmly in a blanket of healing light, I'll make it violet. People seem to like that.

    Shannon, you'll be okay. I just know it. Blessings, love and all that is good is with you now.

    I send you so much love.

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    1. I love my green monkey poem Myrna. It's packed! I'm bringing it with me.

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  7. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

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    Replies
    1. exactly what I need! ((((thank you))))))

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  8. Sending positive thoughts of crystal clear nodes and prayers for comfort and speedy healing.
    -1osugrl

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    Replies
    1. 10sugrl, thats all I want for christmas. Thank YOU!!!

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  9. *huggles*

    Thinking of you, Ms Monkey...

    ~shoes~

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    Replies
    1. Shoes!!! perhaps you can play me a song. If you do, I'll hear it.

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  10. Clean lymph nodes and positive prayers and energy are coming your way <3

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  11. I will be thinking of you all day! Much love to you, dear & wonderful Shannon!

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    1. thank you EM!!! I might even visit life on the other side of the milky way during surgery

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  12. you are important and loved and worthy, and going to be HEALTHY! Bless you pal


    Aloha from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral

    >< } } ( ° >
    ><}}(°>

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  13. Love came to my door, with a sleeping roll, and a madman's soul
    He thought for sure I'd seen him
    Dancing up the river in the dark
    Looking for a woman to court

    and spark......

    I'll be singing to you all day dear Monkey...


    MG

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  14. You are rich with friends and I WILL pray for you....Green Monkey

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  15. Shannon, you will be wrapped in a radiant blanket of love, that's for sure. And I'm imagining a soft, fluffy blanket with sparkly stars all over it, inside and out.....and that's because of the Radiant Love! I'm going to make you another card this evening, so you'll have something else in the mail when you get home! Love and hugs...Becky

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  16. Thinking of you and wrapping you in the love you emit so generously.

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  17. You have done so much to be ready, including bringing us along and marshaling our positive energy. Be wrapped in a beautiful comforting blanket that glows with love and healing.

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  18. Shannon, My prayers and love are headed your way! I have a blanket that My father gave me the christmas before he died, my son now uses it, I will imagine wrapping the healthy you in it...

    no three from me today, Kick some ass friend!

    Wander

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    Replies
    1. Sending you a flaming blanket of love from BMHQ!

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  19. I'm part of the flaming blanket of love crew- envisioning clear nodes for you!

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  20. I'm wrapping you in a big fluffy purple woollen blanket. And my arms.

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  21. More love from your Burner family and community.

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  22. You occupy a lot of psychological space for someone I've never personally seen, I treasure it. Here's my damn two hundred dollar mummy bag. (0-----) Don't poke holes in it.

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  23. Aloha Shannon,

    My blanket for you is baby blue..our newborn has enough...and perhaps this will help comfort the newborn B cups......

    God speed and God bless...

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  24. Wishing nothing but the best for you -- healing, serenity, love.

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  25. sending my love and positive thoughts

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  26. Sending light and love and strength and energy and all that is good and pure and positive. Dedicating my morning meditation/walk to you. For 40 minutes I will send up energy for you. Love you, Monkey.

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  27. My thoughts are with you on this day and each one after throughout your recovery. Although we have never met, we are bound in humanity, womanhood and motherhood. Continue to be strong, continue to be brave and continue to monkey around!

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  28. Wishing you much luck and great success in your operation today. You're in my thoughts.

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  29. marie5890 from BCOMarch 5, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    the most softest gentlest of faux fur blankets you can think of love blankets. And CLEAN NODES!

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  30. You are a lovely beautiful person and we all are rooting for you. Love can make you as healthy as possible. Fill yourself with it.
    I've raised over $10K for LLS and know about this fight very well. As much as someone who does not yet have been affected can be, I am with you on this. Leukemia Lymphoma Society has changed many people's lives, including mine. Hope they can help if you need it.

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  31. I am imagining you with beautiful, crystal clear nodes in a beautiful, radiant healing blanket. Thank you for your writing. Looking forward to another evening by the wall.
    Love,
    Your friend Bev

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  32. This is "Ms. Pegged", just want to let you all know that Shannon is doing well, very positive and feeling the love from all of you.

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  33. marie5890 from BCOMarch 6, 2012 at 7:42 PM

    Thanks"Ms. Pegged" for letting us know!! Still sending warm thoughts and love her way.....

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  34. Good luck! I'm sure the surgery will go great.

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  35. Stay positive. Attitude is everything. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless.

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  36. Sending positive thoughts your way, stay strong!

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  37. Thanks, Now I can quit checking monkey site every hour.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

***

Photo by Joan Harrison