Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Pi and I


Today, the sun is strong and there is not a cloud to be found. I am on the deck, dressed in a wide brimmed hat and a loose fitting nightgown. It is more than just an unseasonably warm day, it is PI, a date that reflects an irrational number and corresponds with Albert Einstein and my husband's birthday.

This time last year we were numbed by images of Japans devastating Tsunami. The year before we were beaten by the wrath of a fierce nor-eastern storm. Hurricane strength winds toppled trees while a steady surge of rain caused town wide flooding. It was the worst recorded storm in Connecticut's history. 

But today, on this happy Pi day, I am focused on my healing.

Today... I feel as sleek as a salamander. I have always admired salamanders.


I remember how, as a young girl, I would spend endless hours in search of salamanders. They would hide in moist dirt shadowed by overgrown vegetation. I would focus on the bend and twist of tethered leaves - evidence of their scurry. I would dig for them with my bare hands. Dig deep below the surface. Dig past slugs and worms and disjointed roots.

I loved the look and feel of packed dirt beneath my nail beds. I still do.

I am thrilled with my new, sleek, salamander physic. Bra's, no longer a necessity, are an optional accessory.

I am that happy little girl again - frolicking in the simplicities of my youth.

Miss Pegged surprised me today with two flats of pansies that I bare-handedly and methodically intermingled with cascading shafts of ivy. Together they will flourish in the sun drenched copper planters that line our 5th floor balcony.

I ignore twinges of burning and tearing and throbbing, and instead, focus on the simple pleasures of digging into rich organic soil. Smiling as it, once again, nestles in my unpolished nail beds.

This greenery shields me from our neighbors across the river. It shields me like a salamander.  Here I can hide topless, or bottomless, or, I can simply rest.  Fully dressed.   

I am a far cry from the misery of last Saturday. Saturday was painful and pathetic.  Saturday was the day I read my post surgery instructions that included the 1-800-suicide hotline number.

I medicated myself all day Saturday and most of Sunday. Got high on valium and vicodin, hoping I'd wake just in time for Tuesday.  Tuesday (yesterday) was my first post-op doctors appointment.  Tuesday was the day they yanked the four drains that sank into the center and surrounding walls of my chest. Tuesday was the day I removed my surgical camisole and released the detachable mini jugs filled with sludge from the oozing wounds of my missing breasts.

Tuesday I was set free.

Today I enjoyed a super sleek me.

Tomorrow, I receive my full pathology report - a microscopic view of the dissection of three of my lymph nodes, both of my breasts, my nipples and my areola.  Even a section of "suspicious looking skin" from the under-fold of my right breast.  Tomorrow, I get a glimpse of what my future holds.


xo, MOnkeyME

I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.  Albert Einstein


34 comments:

  1. Today you are experiencing Golden NOW
    Manawa Nui
    which is ALL!
    Today you have the gut wisdom of the GIFT
    of your body, your victory!
    focus on your healing
    wanna know a secret?
    that REALLY means:
    rediscover the child,
    self-centered
    you
    inside,
    and give her
    parties!
    Until further
    "direction"
    from upstairs,
    which is communicated to you
    through the desires and loves
    of your heart.
    Ice Cream! Sunshine! Friends!
    You.
    You Monkey


    Eek eek

    Aloha from Waikiki
    Comfort Spiral

    >< } } ( ° >

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  2. Ah. Good to see your back to your old self. I can quit worrying and go back to celebrating my sobriety birthday at the bar. I'm not that great at worrying. You have to write my eulogy now, cause I'm a crusty old coot and you'll live longer. So there. Happy Ides of March.

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    Replies
    1. :) what is that like Curmudgeon? sobriety birthday at bar? Agreed.... if I have this thing beat I'll write your eulogy! DEAL xoMonkeyME (<--that makes it official)

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    2. Sorry you had to be there. It's like a big sigh of relief. I try not to be obscure, really but things just pop out.

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  3. Hey hunnybunny... I'm so glad to see you feeling this way...

    *huggles*

    Always...

    ~shoes~

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    Replies
    1. as I often say.... I'll fake it until it starts to feel real. (((((((big hug))))))) headed your way shoes!

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  4. Shield you from the neighbors across the river? Hmm. :) Happy writing; we like happy writing!

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    1. yes there is this crazy, freakishly tall guy who lives across the river. He stands on a ledge and "bacaws" at us.

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  5. Glad the damn cat is gone.

    Sending positive wishes...wonderful to see your spirts lifted....

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    Replies
    1. thanks Mark! working on it :) I'm getting lots of love and prayers... and they are having a wonderful effect on me!

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  6. I love what you said about digging your hands in the dirt and healing. That is very powerful in such a basic way. I don't know what it is about the dirt, the loose wet soil, growing plants. It is one of the best things nature has to offer.

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    1. For some reason the comments box doesn't appear on my computer, so I'm replying to Denises's comment. Glad to hear you're feeling comfortable in your new super sleek mode! Sounds like you had a nice day, something you deserve more than anyone!

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    2. yes...feeling oddly comfortable. like I want to show people too - strangers. its weird and so monkey me!

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    3. Denise - yes the dirt, it is powerful. love the dirt. especially the rich potted plant dirt, with all the while specs.

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  7. I am happy to see that upbeat Pi Day post, and I'm wishing you the best for your Receiving of the Reports.

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    Replies
    1. its funny, I didn't feel upbeat when I wrote it. Sort of oddly down, anxious perhaps. I'm still waiting for my final report. It wears on you after awhile.

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  8. Good luck today. I read every post, I am sorry for not commenting. Sometimes, I don't have the words, but I always have prayers.

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    Replies
    1. its friday and I'm still waiting! thank you for your continued prayers Lucy! xoxo

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  9. I'm sending positive intentions and thoughts towards all of your outcomes today. I'm still keeping you in my daily prayers and meditations. I'm so glad you are healing well and feeling more salamnder-ish. Salamander-ish with a twist of monkey! Inky

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    Replies
    1. the positive intentions, prayers and meditations have been so healing! thank you thank you Inky! you are so powerful.

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  10. You are awesome! Loving your new sleek body...no need for bras...it's a wonderful life! I love the way you are embracing it all. Why is it that we humans take every day for granted? We think we'll live to be 100 and many times go through life with blinders on...not seeing all the beauty around us. I am SO happy for you. And I am SO honored to know you. Oh, BTW, I clicked on Pi and went to Wikipedia...After attempting to read and understand the first sentence, my mind closed up (as usual with math) and I just hopped right back here! :)

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    1. ah Becky! you're so good to me. I promised myself no more taking my health for granted. you live your whole life healthy and then this... its shocking and it really shouldn't be. (sorry about the math - its so not my thing)

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  11. (((Hugs))) from across the river. But far enough across the river so that you don't need to hide behind the greenery. :)

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  12. So happy to see you on this side of the journey, Monkey. And, even with math in there, this blog made me smile..

    xoxoxo

    MG

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    Replies
    1. oh, sorry about the math monkeygurl! xoxo

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  13. Lovely honey, we should have had some Pie on PI day, I guess Mimosas are far better! The Hub.

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    Replies
    1. ahhhhhhh.... you read me. thank you hub :)

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  14. Showing, displaying proudly, sharing your salamander chest, is this anything like, "Do you want to see my box?"

    Just curious......

    xoxoxoxo

    MG

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  15. me too! :)))))) still feeling bubbly

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison