Tuesday, August 7, 2012

DICK for HIRE



When I'm not blogging, I am a licensed Private Investigator - also known as, a PI, a Private Dick, a Dick for Hire.

No seriously, I am.
You don't believe me do you?

Well, lets put your judgement aside for the moment and focus on today's post...

Still perplexed by my recent excommunication from the INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP, I took it upon myself to do a bit of PRIVATE DICK WORK (or PDW as we professionals call it), and set out to investigate it's 259 group members.

Initially, I focused on the members first Wednesday of the month post for the month of August and discovered that 27 of them had omitted it all together.

I then reviewed the post activity of the 27 offenders over the past six months and discovered that 9 of them were repeat offenders.

Then I wondered about the other 232 members. Sure, they remembered to post on the first Wednesday in August, but what about March, April, May, June, and July?

I was SHOCKED by the results.

Out of the 232 members who remembered to post on the first Wednesday of August,
17 of them missed a post in the past 6 months,
3 had posted on the second Wednesday of the month,
and 1, crazy fuck did it on a Tuesday.

I then took a long look at the posts generated by the 259 members on days other than the first Wednesday of the month and realized that there was more going on here then simply purging insecurities.

All of the 259 members of the INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP had interactive, engaging qualities about them. They participated in Blog Hops, Blog Fests, and Blog Giveaways. They entered contests and accepted awards.

What this behavior has to do with writing is unclear to me, but even so, this is something I NEVER DO.

Even worse are my CONFESSIONS OF AN INSECURE WANT-TO-BE WRITER...

But first, promise me you won't [unfollow me] if you fall into any of these categories:

* I hate those cutesy, bobble-headed, blogger heading, cartoon characters meant to characterize the writer.

* If you are an insecure writer and you have a baby and write about it ALL THE TIME or even just sometimes, I can't read about it without gagging.

* I'm just not that into science fiction. There... I said it.

* If you've been published, I am jealous. Not just a little bit jealous. I'm steaming, toss a bunny into a boiling pot, jealous.

What if the real reason why I was tossed out of THE INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP is because of over-exposure? Me, the inner workings of my twisted mind, or worse, my outer shell debauchery - the graphic photo's chronicling my journey from sutures, swelling and bruising, to lopsided lumps, to perky noobs.

OHHHH..... I so, so, SO want to gain the love, attention, and acceptance of INSECURE WRITER'S everywhere. So much so that I've decided to host my very own, first ever...

GREEN MONKEY BLOG CONTEST!!!



You're excited about this, I can tell.

All you have to do is guess my favorite shade of GREEN.

For those of you wondering how many shades of green there are, Wikipedia boasts there are 64 pages of green that range from "Ao" to "Viridian."

However, not to freak you out but, Yahoo claims there are 32 million different shades, and therefor approximately 1 million shades of green.

And, if you Google search it, there are 3850000 answers to the question.

Did I just freak you out?

Okay, stay calm. Keep your eye on the prize.

The grand prize (are you ready) for guessing my favorite shade of GREEN is...(drum roll please) 

Not ONE, but TWO pairs of slightly used surgery socks!  


The pair on the left came from Memorial Sloan Kettering. The pair on the right came from Stamford Hospital. Sadly, Greenwich Hospital didn't give me any socks. Or if they did, they didn't let me take them home. Or maybe the bonus, scratched cornea they gave me, caused me to overlook them when I packed up my belongings.

REGARDLESS.... these shades of grey surgery socks can be YOURS!!! 

See, there is an up side to having four surgeries, in less than five months, in three different hospitals. If you're lucky enough to make it out alive, you get these socks.

Now YOU can have these socks without ever having to step into an operating room!

More about the socks...

The pair on the left are rough and scratchy on the outside but soft and fluffy on the inside. 
The pair on the right, despite the slip resistant design, are soft and fluffy on the outside and scratchy on the inside (this makes NO sense, right?).

See... not all surgery socks are alike. Now I'm wondering how many different types of surgery socks there are. And are they all grey? And if so, why?

But before we uncover that mystery, why not take a guess.

Good luck to everyone and may the best insecure writer/reader win!

xo, MOnkeyME


-DISCLAIMER-

All stats compiled during the investigation of the members of THE INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP were compiled under the influence of bowls of wine and therefor may not accurately reflect their posts, the post counts (I suck at math), or the character of its members.

The content of this post is meant to be humorous and should not, in any way, be taken seriously. Except for my statement regarding bloggers writing about their baby's.

If none of this makes sense thats because you didn't read my last post titled, INSECURITY.

The title of this post has very little to do with the post itself but was designed to lure you in. And you fell for it.

Finally, by reading this post, you are hereby sworn under oath, not to turn me in for the following infraction:

I unscrambled the secret entry code and reinstated myself as a proud member of THE INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP.



44 comments:

  1. Ummmm.....Sage. But please do not send me those socks. I'm sure they can be put to better use elsewhere;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WRONG!!! darn, I so wanted to send you those socks.

      Delete
  2. Sorry, in July I spent four days purging the list of anyone who hadn't posted for the IWSG in two months. (I was getting SO many comments and emails of complaints about non-participants.) So, if someone had missed a few months prior to that but remembered in June, they stayed. I was also aware of several who left messages that they would be on vacation. I'm glad you added yourself back on the list, which everyone is free to do.
    I am but one Ninja, trying to maintain a list that fluctuates between two and three hundred. I try to visit everyone, but even with my hundred blogs a day average, I just can't keep up. I've a few offers from those who would like to help maintain the list and I just might take them up on their offer...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ohhhhhhh I was wondering if this post would catch your attention Alex, aka Ninja warrior of wayward insecure writers. It's true, its true, I missed June and July...but DAMNIT I'm playing that cancer card. Thanks for letting me back in. And... getting tossed out of the group was just the kick in the ass that I needed. Thanks for letting me back in. OOOOH and sorry about that sci-fi comment ;)

      Delete
    2. No worries! My own mother hasn't read my books because they are science fiction. I am glad you rejoined. I purge a few every month, but July I HAD to visit every single one and do some serious purging before the Ninja Army lynched me for so many non participating links.
      And if you are now motivated, then that's what matters!

      Delete
  3. Hey, another case of successfully advocating and making things happen on your own behalf. You are back in the IWSG and you are welcomed. So keep on writing, baby. I dunno...seaweed. But keep the socks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NOPE... NOT SEAWEED. Sorry, no socks for you. Blissed, I think we should share the story about you NOT winning the contest with our grandchildren so they know not everyone gets a prize. :)

      Delete
  4. i loved your confessions...I share your views :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahhhhhhhh confessions of Ashok! I love it :) "my baby did this, my baby did that" YUCK!!!!!

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  5. I know the color green by sight only!! its on your business card.....Kelly green i believe. I too decline the sock offer...only because I work I healthcare and have two cases of them at my disposal....they are blue or crap tan....


    xoxoxo

    mg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EWWWWWWW close monkeygurl. the color on my business card - forest green (very sophisticated), is my favor shade of green on a business card only . Darn... you were my pick to win!

      Delete
  6. Well, I am not published since my book is still in my computer at about a 5000 word count :( So I know your favorite color is not "Green Envy" when it comes to visiting me.

    Then I could guess that it is "Kelly green" given that you have posted about your being black Irish and your son's name is Kerry, which doesn't exactly sound Polish, ya know? Course the same could be said that it could be "Shamrock Green" as well...

    Could be "Barrel Of Monkeys Green" as well... because well, it just could.

    So I guess I'll just wait for your next post...

    ...mine's "Technicolor Rainbow" in case you were wondering...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WHAT great guesses! you are such a clever mom of children that are THANKFULLY no longer babies!

      Technicolor Rainbow ~ love it!

      Delete
  7. It's green monkey green! I think this is obvious!!! I mean, what other green could it be?

    Or apple green. It could also be apple green. (I have an apple green kettle.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. nope, nope, nope.... but because you have an apple green kettle, AND if you can locate it, we can share a cup of tea and talk about shades of green and blue, and all things creative and fun.

      Delete
  8. thanks, but I don't need any more, because My socks were aqua, and the 2nd and 3rd were beige. No gray ones. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you got aqua socks??? I'm so jealous!!! what do you suppose is more depressing.... grey or beige?

      Delete
  9. thanks, but I don't need any more, because My socks were aqua, and the 2nd and 3rd were beige. No gray ones. LOL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. still feeling jealous about those aqua socks.

      Delete
  10. Hmm... I really can't say... lime green? :-)

    I don't think you should send me the socks, though. You'd have to ship to South Africa.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ohhhh to bad, NOT LIME GREEN (but sooooo close). If you did win, I would have hand delivered them~

      Delete
  11. Navy green?

    I hadn't known any one with that favorite so it would be neat!

    Also, glad to be back here. I missed reading!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to be back Ben and I'm so happy to know you're reading me! you're such a great writer....

      now, for the bad news....

      sorry, you're right of course, navy green would be super cool, but .....you're wrong. no socks for ben. stomp your feet, scream, but whatever you do don't kick a gnome!

      Delete
  12. I'm pretty insecure, myself. And worried you didn't like me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LIKE YOU??? you're my favorite monkey drawling, gnome lover, writer!

      Delete
  13. I'm much too insecure to enter this contest, though the prize, I must say, is quite tempting.

    Glad you found that secret code.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm too insecure to write about insecurities...

    I have a pair of those socks around here somewhere...

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SHOES!!!!! I think YOU wearing THOSE socks with THOSE fabulous red shoes of yours would be a crime. Therefore... no socks for you sir!

      Delete
  15. Good one honey, I'm guessing Irish Eyes Green or Shamrock Green! Did I win!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, your a winner because you read my blog before I had to threaten you by withholding sex.

      Delete
    2. Wait. Does he win sex or socks? Or sex in the socks? Wait. Now I'm confused as to what kind of contest this really is...

      Delete
  16. Hey - I think they kicked you out because your writing is so good that they can't believe you are insecure about it anymore. Therefore, they had to kick you out! Love ya - Rareakat : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you too SaraRareKat!!!! (I probably love you more, but this is NOT a competition)

      Delete
  17. I'd say Irish green (obviously) but no socks thank you! I still have my "preventing bloodclots tourniquet socks" that took two nurses to pull up towards my knees (over my obscenely large calves). Calves of Steel of course. Beats the hell outta Buns of Steel, right?

    ReplyDelete
  18. I've got enough hospital socks to take me to 2020 and prefer to act out my insecurities (also I can't write on demand, can't write anything lately.) I find the grips make acting like Tom cruise in slide scenes difficult.

    I think dark forest green. The first formula I race car Hotwheel I had was forest green and it has been my favorite green color ever since, but I have never owned anything forest green that wasn't in the vegetable bin too long.

    It's hard for a guy to read about pasties Etc. but I'll do it for you...If I have to...I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)))))))))))

      I miss your writing Grins. How the hell are you!

      forest green. my sister had an MGB that was forest green with peanut interior. beautiful, beautiful car... lots of chrome. damn, I love chrome on a car....

      Delete
  19. Can I join in the fun? My guess is Emerald Green

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahhhhhh.... like in the Wizard of OZ! good guess but ......sorry NO :(

      thanks for playing along. love the name "musicwithinyou"

      Delete
  20. It's time that somebody blows the lid off that group. They've had it too easy for too long.

    That being said, I don't do any of the things people are supposed to do to be a good blogger, either. In fact, half of the people who stop by my blog appear to be confused as to what it is. As one comment put it: "Is this a political blog or a fiction blog or a personal diary?"

    Your blog could potentially make the folks blogging about their babies and cats uncomfortable. This goes for your content as far back as I;ve seen it - certainly back before the recent catstir chronicle. Your stuff is unflinching and brave and that's not for everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Katy,
      you're cracking me up over here.... and at the same time, I'm swelling from your praise. Thank you

      Delete
  21. I seem to remember a drunken moment in a bar in New Orleans, when I cried a little and told you how jealous I was of your talent.

    Sweetie, you have it. You can write. Not for fame, money, or glory. Not to be published or acknowledged, but because it is your gift. You have it to give away. It is a really good and beautiful thing. It continues to move me. I'm still a huge fan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahhhh Pinky..... why didn't you raise me? well, in actuality, I guess I must ask myself... why didn't I pick you to raise me. but, I made up for that mistake when we formed our friendship. THANK YOU, LOVE YOU, MISS YOU... (I just made myself cry).

      Delete
  22. Hahahaha. My guess: Plush toy Monkey green.
    Congratulations on getting back into the club, Dick.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jungle Green.
    I'm retired so I don't Dick around any more. Looking up 32 squillion shades of lime seems far too close to dicking around to me.
    As for the socks, I'm sure it's all about sock puppets in those boring surgical moments; you know the ones, when it's all just cut and sew, cut and sew... The head nurse breaks out the velcro eyes, mouth and ears 'n next thing your feet spasm into life as "grey wannabe muppets." I firmly believe if GreenW. Hosp. got with the program they wouldn't have to entertain themselves with a quick game of Eye Darts.
    Just keep those socks as secure as they can be, there's life in them yet!
    Goezi Sweetie... x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison