When I'm not blogging, I am a licensed Private Investigator - also known as, a PI, a Private Dick, a Dick for Hire.
No seriously, I am.
You don't believe me do you?
Well, lets put your judgement aside for the moment and focus on today's post...
Still perplexed by my recent excommunication from the INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP, I took it upon myself to do a bit of PRIVATE DICK WORK (or PDW as we professionals call it), and set out to investigate it's 259 group members.
Initially, I focused on the members first Wednesday of the month post for the month of August and discovered that 27 of them had omitted it all together.
I then reviewed the post activity of the 27 offenders over the past six months and discovered that 9 of them were repeat offenders.
Then I wondered about the other 232 members. Sure, they remembered to post on the first Wednesday in August, but what about March, April, May, June, and July?
I was SHOCKED by the results.
Out of the 232 members who remembered to post on the first Wednesday of August,
17 of them missed a post in the past 6 months,
3 had posted on the second Wednesday of the month,
and 1, crazy fuck did it on a Tuesday.
I then took a long look at the posts generated by the 259 members on days other than the first Wednesday of the month and realized that there was more going on here then simply purging insecurities.
All of the 259 members of the INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP had interactive, engaging qualities about them. They participated in Blog Hops, Blog Fests, and Blog Giveaways. They entered contests and accepted awards.
What this behavior has to do with writing is unclear to me, but even so, this is something I NEVER DO.
Even worse are my CONFESSIONS OF AN INSECURE WANT-TO-BE WRITER...
But first, promise me you won't [unfollow me] if you fall into any of these categories:
* If you are an insecure writer and you have a baby and write about it ALL THE TIME or even just sometimes, I can't read about it without gagging.
* I'm just not that into science fiction. There... I said it.
* If you've been published, I am jealous. Not just a little bit jealous. I'm steaming, toss a bunny into a boiling pot, jealous.
What if the real reason why I was tossed out of THE INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP is because of over-exposure? Me, the inner workings of my twisted mind, or worse, my outer shell debauchery - the graphic photo's chronicling my journey from sutures, swelling and bruising, to lopsided lumps, to perky noobs.
OHHHH..... I so, so, SO want to gain the love, attention, and acceptance of INSECURE WRITER'S everywhere. So much so that I've decided to host my very own, first ever...
GREEN MONKEY BLOG CONTEST!!!
You're excited about this, I can tell.
All you have to do is guess my favorite shade of GREEN.
For those of you wondering how many shades of green there are, Wikipedia boasts there are 64 pages of green that range from "Ao" to "Viridian."
However, not to freak you out but, Yahoo claims there are 32 million different shades, and therefor approximately 1 million shades of green.
And, if you Google search it, there are 3850000 answers to the question.
Did I just freak you out?
Okay, stay calm. Keep your eye on the prize.
The grand prize (are you ready) for guessing my favorite shade of GREEN is...(drum roll please)
Not ONE, but TWO pairs of slightly used surgery socks!
The pair on the left came from Memorial Sloan Kettering. The pair on the right came from Stamford Hospital. Sadly, Greenwich Hospital didn't give me any socks. Or if they did, they didn't let me take them home. Or maybe the bonus, scratched cornea they gave me, caused me to overlook them when I packed up my belongings.
REGARDLESS.... these shades of grey surgery socks can be YOURS!!!
See, there is an up side to having four surgeries, in less than five months, in three different hospitals. If you're lucky enough to make it out alive, you get these socks.
Now YOU can have these socks without ever having to step into an operating room!
More about the socks...
The pair on the left are rough and scratchy on the outside but soft and fluffy on the inside.
The pair on the right, despite the slip resistant design, are soft and fluffy on the outside and scratchy on the inside (this makes NO sense, right?).
See... not all surgery socks are alike. Now I'm wondering how many different types of surgery socks there are. And are they all grey? And if so, why?
But before we uncover that mystery, why not take a guess.
Good luck to everyone and may the best insecure writer/reader win!
All stats compiled during the investigation of the members of THE INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP were compiled under the influence of bowls of wine and therefor may not accurately reflect their posts, the post counts (I suck at math), or the character of its members.
The content of this post is meant to be humorous and should not, in any way, be taken seriously. Except for my statement regarding bloggers writing about their baby's.
If none of this makes sense thats because you didn't read my last post titled, INSECURITY.
The title of this post has very little to do with the post itself but was designed to lure you in. And you fell for it.
Finally, by reading this post, you are hereby sworn under oath, not to turn me in for the following infraction:
I unscrambled the secret entry code and reinstated myself as a proud member of THE INSECURE WRITER'S SUPPORT GROUP.