I didn't win.
I didn't receive the recognition I so badly wanted.
I didn't feel the pat on the back. I didn't hear the praise.
I didn't even receive a "thank you for entering" auto-response email.
No, first, second, third or fourth place, and WORSE, no HONORARY MENTION.
What if they didn't receive my 700 words or less "Past Love Story Contest" entry?
I can't even force myself to read the stories that did win. All I can read are the authors names. (lucky bastards)
I'm not clever. I'm not compelling. I'm not smart. I'm not witty.
This is the sort of thing that will prevent me from writing. I'll feel sorry for myself. I'll second guess myself. I'll punish myself.
Yes, yes, yes...I realize how pathetic I sound. But since YOU take the time to read me, I wanted YOU to know just how messed up my inner me can be.
Yesterday, my husband and I played tennis with my 9 year old grandson.
We were on the court for a less than 15 minutes when he wanted to quit.
In his eyes, we were "awesome" and he was a "loser."
I forced him to play for a bit longer and then gave him the job of ball boy.
I made some good shots but overall, I was pretty sucky. To me, it didn't matter. To me, playing tennis with my family, on a beautiful fall morning, was all that mattered.
Afterwards, I spoke to my grandson about perseverance, pride and purpose. I explained that his achievements will be the result of continuous effort and if he believed in himself, he would prevail.
He smiled and nodding his head in all the right places. Was he listening? Was I listening?
All setbacks are opportunities for growth. When you consider a problem, or an obstacle, a burden, you avoid it, but when you look at it as a challenge, you face it.
Big steps consist of many tiny steps, and the first step should begin from your heart. From then on, each move forward increases your self confidence, and your inner awareness.
You recognize efforts rooted in love right away. They are pure and honest and good. They are given freely, without expectations.
So ...instead of keeping the curtains closed, and eating nacho's and oreo's for breakfast, I think I'll take my sweet little dog for a walk - soak in the beauty of the day - then settle down and write.