Friday, March 23, 2012

GROWTH


"Yes, they're fake. The real ones tried to kill me!"



I saw that quote under a survivors bio, at breastcancer.org.  It made me laugh and laughter is good.

This morning, during coffee, I asked my husband if I had the dates right...

"I had my annual mammogram on December 29th and was told I needed a biopsy, you were laid off from your job on January 19th, I was diagnosed with cancer on January 20th, and my Dad died on January 29th - is that right?" I asked.

"Yes, and we had surgery on March 5th," he added.  When he speaks of my cancer, he says "we" and this has a calming effect on me. It tells me I am not alone.

I, we, have yet to properly mourn my fathers death or the loss of my breasts.  We are, however, grateful for the extended amount time spent together. My husband has attended all of my doctor appointments and has been a key component in my decision making process. His calm, logical side, balances my, fierce, emotional side.  

The whole breast cancer concept is mind boggling.  You wake up one morning and discover you have a life threatening illness.  It's hard to come to terms with because you don't feel sick, and in my case, I didn't have any tangible proof - no lump, no blood count gone ascu, no family history to justify it. All I had were these itty-bitty-teeny-tiny microcalcifications that appeared under high resolution film, on my annual mammogram. Three specks that looked quiet adorable at first glance.  

Once I discovered I had cancer, after my initial stunned stupid response wore off, I diligently set out to learn everything I could about the disease and the best way to go about fighting it. This included educating myself on genetics, drug therapy, chemotherapy, and radiation.  Once I felt I had the knowledge I needed to form an educated opinion, I focused on treating it, and learned there are many choices involved in treating cancer.

Once I decided how I wanted to treat my cancer, I set out to find a compassionate breast surgeon who respected my decisions. This is a critical step because your breast surgeon is the one who will remove your cancer. A mistake could cost you your life. I interviewed 4 breast surgeons before I found one that I had total confidence in. I chose, Dr. Alexander Heerdt and she was magnificent. She consistently treated me with dignity and respect. She listened and addressed all of my concerns. Thanks to her meticulous, and highly skilled efforts, I am able to say I am cancer free. 

After I picked my breast surgeon I needed to find a reconstructive surgeon who works with the breast surgeon. Their schedules have to mesh because the reconstructive surgeon steps in immediately following the removal of my breasts.

And then finally, I had to consider the hospital. What is their infection rate?  What primary surgery's take place there?

These three components have to fit together and all must be considered "in-network" on your insurance plan.

It's a daunting process to say the least.  And I must admit, my main focus was the cancer.  When it came to who would do my reconstruction, I lost steam.  I thought I was safe riding on the white coat tails of  the head reconstruction breast surgeon at Memorial Sloan Kettering. 

I would love to tell you that the opening "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" photo is me. But, sadly, it is not. This is me, 18 days after my bilateral (double) mastectomy...


Hidden beneath the row of stitches are "TE's" (tissue expanders) or what I like to refer to as deflated non-regulation sized basketballs. Notice the two small, round, bandaids above each incision? This is the port where they stuck the needle for my first "fill" of saline last Tuesday. They need to slowly fill these up but as you might notice, there is a problem.  They are not symmetrical and the upper chest section of my "lower side" has collapsed. My breast reconstructive surgeon told me not to worry, that they will "fix it" when they do the "exchange" (see how you're learning all the cancer jargon). But that didn't make sense to me so I went for a second, post-op, opinion. Besides being uneven, the lower expander is sitting on the lower lip of my ribcage.  I can't breath without pain.  It's not a horrible pain but its uncomfortable.  It feels like I bruised a rib (and maybe I did).

My second opinion confirmed my suspicion - my right TE is not set correctly and needs to come out.  Worse, my second opinion stated that the surgeon should have NEVER filled the expander because it was misplaced.

To make absolutely certain, I'm going for a third opinion on Monday. This will be interesting because it is a surgeon who is part of Memorial Sloan Kettering hospital and works with (under) the surgeon who placed my TE's. 

Somewhere between all the poking, prodding, smooching, scalping, and stitching, my breasts lost their dignity.  Which is why, I suppose, I have no problem showing you the various stages of my recovery. On top of all that, it is important for people to understand that "breast reconstruction" is NOT the same as a boob job. This is a comment I hear often, "lucky you, you're getting a boob job!"

Regarding my last post, titled BLAME, to me it was not a "woe is me" post - it was a mind opening, heart fueled, self evolving post.  And damn, it felt good to write it. 

As I often say, I don't sugar coat anything. Nothing on my blog is off limits. I have dissected everything and anyone who has had an effect (positive or negative) on my life. I have pissed off a lot of people.  So far, I still have the support of my husband, some family, and a growing group of friends.  All of you are attracted to one key component... PERSONAL GROWTH.  For me, that is what this journey here is all about.

So if you catch me bitching or blaming, it's okay.  It's just me working on the stuff I need to learn. And if a second surgery is warranted, it's okay. They'll get it right and I'll have more to write. 

One thing I will never be, is a victim. 

xoxo,MonkeyME 

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew." Saint Francis de Sales



If you, are someone you know, has been diagnosed with breast cancer, 
breastcancer.org is a wonderful resource.

32 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, that is all you need, a setback, but thank goodness you are so aware and fully involved in every stage of this difficult journey, so that you noticed and are fighting back,

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    1. Thank you Lindy, I am determined to get this reconstruction business done right!

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  2. Bravo for you, not settling for "just okay" but insisting that it be done correctly. I suppose some people don't want to see the photos because it is a little shocking at first. But I can see your healing in the photos, and of course hear it in your words. You are a powerful monkey!

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  3. You are a continuous source of empowerment, Monkey. A reminder that ALL of us need to be our own advocates, and how true the phrase is, beauty is skin deep. Yours runs right through to your soul, and engages us all in its light.

    Love you!!!!!

    MG

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    1. Love you back and a pinch and a slap (because its fun) monkey gurl!

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  4. Ohfercryinoutloud. The guy couldn't take a minute longer to get it right the first time? Well, good for you, stepping up immediately to get additional opinions and make sure it gets done appropriately. A little anger can be an excellent thing when we need to advocate on our own behalf. Hang in there, GM.

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    1. I don't like being a bitch but sometimes you have to. :)

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  5. I am so glad you are seeking out addition opinions when it doesn't seem right to you. They are YOUR BREASTS! Not just some arbitrary body part.

    Good for you!

    (((HUGS)))

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    1. and i won't call them mine unless their straight!

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  6. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I always liked your writing and presence before all this happened, but now I'm completely inspired by you on top of it. I would like to face my own (minor, so far, thank goodness) bumps in the road with the amount of grace, fire, wisdom, wit and honesty with which you've faced this monumental hurdle.

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  7. I love all your posts, the ones before catster, and the ones after, no matter how angry or sad or self-pitying or happy or whatever. You constantly amaze me with your honesty and willingness to share. Thank you for every word.

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  8. Rant away, and fuck people who don't like what you have to say, I say fuck the fuckers, sorry is that too negative? I guess i am in a mood today. I Love your words, I love your funny looking boobs, I love you. Inky

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    1. "Fuck the fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!


      XOXOXOX


      MG

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  9. Good for you seeking out all options. Rant and rage all you want. I admire you for your bravery and honesty.

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    1. yep, yep... being a defiant monkey! monkey will not take this sitting down! monkey in charge! monkey charging!

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  11. Good for you not just taking the word of the dude in the white coat.

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    1. ugh.....sometimes, I... me, and my irish, get in the way and other times it works. but I demand respect and compassion.white coat lacked both. thank you Sarah :)))))

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  12. Shannon, I will give you permission to do a few things if no one has yet....
    Breathe, it does a body good.
    Vent, it does the mind good.
    And third and most important,
    Grieve, it does a soul good.

    And smile, laugh, love, and be loved in return!

    Wander

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    1. breathe, vent, grieve.... breathe, vent, grief! tonight, as I drift asleep... it will be my mantra. (and forgive. i need to forgive)

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    2. And laugh...fucking laugh as if the world was fresh and new and whole.
      A good friend used to piss me off by telling me that I was right where I should be when I came to him with the serious things and how fucked up I felt inside. I hated it, no I fucking loathed it. Now on the other side of a lot of that shit (and although I have never had catster, I have been close to death all to many times) I have come to realize that the meaning of his words was that of course I felt fucked up, how could I not. I was being traumatized, and after a trauma it is natural to have extreme swings of emotion. I have also found that it is very healthy to experience them when they happen rather than squashing them and acting like they weren't important or valid or happening. As if I was somehow superhuman and I didn't need to be vulnerable, or hurt and scared.
      Shannon I am so glad to have made a friend of you! Keep living out loud! maybe you don't need to forgive, maybe you need a different perspective. Maybe an understanding of the human condition. We all make mistakes...

      Wander

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  13. I'm a little confused about one thing...which is important as it relates to my ever present "thing". I thought in one of your back posts that you said you told your husband to leave. And now I'm confused, but then husband things are confusing. I'm feeling really proud of him for his support if he is still curb side. No judgement to you in any way, just reflecting on my own experience and giving a nod to empathy and mercy in both directions. I'm glad about your 2nd, 3rd opinions. Wish it weren't necessary, but sadly, it is.

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  14. yes, its confusing to me as well. I did tell my husband to leave. He crossed a line that I was not able to erase. I guess I danced over a lot of that. probably because the honesty made me vulnerable (on many levels). Now I say, I'll save the details for the book. but, yes i asked him to leave, and things got worse before they got better. I hate being vulnerable. I hate needing him or anyone but eventually, I swallowed a lot. there is a good chance this could make us stronger but we've tested that before and failed. time will tell.

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  15. I am in awe of the way you took charge of your treatment and didn't just settle for the doctors/hospital that was first on the list or easiest to get to. Your breasts are beautiful, baby. They are a part of you. Sorry to hear about all the garbage you must now go through. I think of you all the time and always send you good thoughts.

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  16. Thank you Betty, I think about you too! we need to exchange cats, or share a bottle of wine, or go for a walk...

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  17. Bitch and blame all you want, no one has more of a right to than you! YOU will never be a vitim! Great to read that last line! That headline is too funny and glad to see you retaining your sense of humor!

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  18. Hello Shannon, looking at the timeline, you are an exceptional person. And I, and I just woke up crying for my unfulfilled desires.

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  19. Here, here for personal growth!!! You are all over that my friend, Shannon.

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  20. sometimes I'm late....but I am following you. Your story changes with everyday ...and you manage to stay on top. Good for you.
    As you know things happen for a reason.
    Just know that we are behind you if you ever fall back.
    May all the odds lay in your favor....
    LOVE 2U around every corner..Jbird

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    1. Ah Jaybird... you have interested my life at key moments! its certainly not a coincidence. And you are loyal. (not a statement I make casually). Much love, respect and gratitude to you and Crystal. xoxoMonkeyME

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  21. I have to ask you was the doctor that filled your misplaced expander Dr. Peter Cordeiro? Because if he did well he did the same thing to me I have to get my expander removed by another doctor because I refuse for Dr. Cordeiro to touch me again.

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Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing
greenmonkeytales@live.com

Shannon E. Kennedy

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Photo by Joan Harrison