Thursday, October 13, 2011

I Have a Hammer and a Veggie Pizza

I had too much sleep last night. When this happens my mind wakes me up with a nightmare. Today's nightmare involved my former mother-in-law who died a year and a half ago.  In the dream her only son, (husband #2) is crying on her bossism.  She tells him not to worry, that she will take him to purgatory to get a new wife. "That's where I got Shannon!" he cries. When they realize I am in the room my deceased, former mother-in-law shouts, "go back to purgatory you vial creature!" then adds, "and while you're there learn how to spell!"

Here in Glenville, Connecticut (also known as the Gateway to New England) autumn is in full bloom. I imagine how lovely it would be if only we had an ordinance against campaign signage. Have you ever voted for a candidate based on a sign you saw on someones front lawn? Well... I am about to. I'm going to vote for Stephen NG for Town Clerk because he doesn't have a vowel in his last name.

(crossing the road to take this picture I slipped on a dead squirrel)

With autumn leafs falling I am reminded...

Can we please make leaf blowing illegal. Nothing annoys me more. Maybe Mr. NG will know someone, who knows someone, who can make that happen. Or, is there someone out there that can invent one that isn't deafening?  And while you're at it, how about inventing a sprinkler system with a built in barometer so you don't water the grass while its raining. 

I spent 3 1/2 hours today uploading, installing and activating the new iOS software for my iphone. Not only did this make my phone slower, but it uploaded archived emails from 4 of my email addresses and marked them as new. The envelope icon says I have 596 unread messages but when I delete a bunch, I get a bunch more. (UPDATE... I now have 24,697 unread messages to clear) And worse, I can't activate my CLOUD. I was never interested in the CLOUD until now - now that I can't activate it.

A new gym opened near my office. It's for women only. The personal trainers are men only.  Its a small space, with two large windows in the front. In the windows are the treadmills. Directly across the street is a three story office building with 429 male employees. The chance of me "working out" here is ZERO.  I'd feel like a puppy in a pet store.

A few doors down from the gym is a new restaurant called DOPPIO.  I'm sorry but thats a stupid name and I'm not going in there either.

I grabbed takeout Chinese food for lunch today.  My soup was cold, my chicken was dry, and my fortune cookie read...

Thanks to JELLY!  

what a great share...

NEVER mind...

Thursdays is pizza night.
I order my usual - a whole wheat salad pizza (guiltless pizza)
"no olives" I remind her
"there are no olives on the veggie pizza" she tells me
I bit my tongue... decided not to remind her that 3 weeks ago I got olives on my pizza.
35 minutes later the pizza arrives at our front door.
It's a veggie pizza
nothing but onions, mushrooms, EGGPLANT (gag), and peppers.

I ordered a salad pizza, she heard veggie pizza.
When she repeated my order back to me, I was so focused on "no olives"
that I didn't hear her say veggie.

10:33 pm UPDATE
'cause I'm drinkin'...
meet the man with no vowels

 "NG cries FOUL!"  (oh the scandal!)


  1. I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle. Of course, I don't think it's funny when stupid things happen to me, so please forgive! I hate leaf blowers, too. There's an ordinance in the Netherlands and in Switzerland that one can't mow the lawn on Sundays. Hmmm, sounds nice.

    Three cheers for Ng.

  2. So glad you chuckled Kittie! I'm laughing at myself as well :) I love your name by the way "Kittie Howard"... Would you mind if I named one of my secret tea party participants after you. I have to change everyone's names and identity.

  3. I'm not chuckling. I'm laughing the ass off my Pajama Jeans. ;)

  4. oh MY BORIS!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!! :))))))))

  5. That's the lamest fortune cookie ever! And lamest gym design I've ever seen. Probably designed by men who thought good-looking skinny women would be the ones working out in the window. 'Cause those women are the ones that need to, right?!

  6. ohhhhhh what a great idea ADoC! I'm going to interview the gym owner and turn it into a post. I can't wait!

  7. sometimes you gotta bitch!

    Aloha from Waikiki;

    Comfort Spiral

    > < } } ( ° >

  8. yes, Cloudia... sometimes you gotta bitch.. unless.... you live in HAWAII!

  9. omg, that dream. I hope you ran at her like a bull. yeah.

    I loved your rants. keep um up.

  10. I can't stop laughing at Mr. NG!! I might have to move just so I can vote for him. I also hope you got the squirrel off your shoes. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  11. Wait. I was here earlier and all you had was a hammer.

    Now you have a pizza?


    I had McDonald's. Because for the first time this month, I couldn't bear to cook an actual meal. I'll regret it later, I know. But it was nice to come home and not have dishes to clean. :)

  12. even when you're mad, you're still funny as hell!! I too am splitting the seams of my pajama jeans!!

  13. thats right, now I have a pizza and it SUCKED! :))))))) I am still mad but I am laughing at myself. and that is my first step in honoring myself. oh FUCK... now, I'm rhyming...

  14. Make leaf blowers illegal? No f-ing way. I have been raking upwards of 30 tarp-fulls of leaves for the past 15 years and finally got one of those bad-ass strap-on-your-back (not strap-on, Ms. Monkee!)models. I am armed and dangerous with windpower of 200 mph. Told the spouse that he'd better not stand on the deck if he's pissed me off- I could toss him like a twig. Sorry about the noise polution, folks, but I will not give up my Red Max EBZ8050. Funny, I have an urge to put a pinch of Skoal between my cheek and gums. Living in the country does strange things to a person...

  15. If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. Love, BB

  16. I'm thinking of a story that involves a hammer and an ex-MIL ...

  17. Oh Joan... now I have an image of you with a double strap on that I can't get out of my head!

  18. Can I just say how much I loved this post and how much we think alike? I will now vote for any one without vowels!

  19. BETTY!!!!!! BETTY!!!!!! you're back!!!! I'm getting choked up (seriously). lOVE ALL THNGS BOSSY BETTY


Thank you for encouraging my JOY of writing. By reading and commenting you are feeding my soul, stroking my heart, and in the end...making me a better writer.

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Thank You For Encouraging My Joy of Writing

Shannon E. Kennedy


Photo by Joan Harrison